AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Above all, I consider what the best outcome is for Maggie. Would she be happy in this situation? Would she feel confused to see me live with a woman who isn’t her mom? My fears are vivid and demanding in the damage they’re doing to my heart, but silent in the words they won’t allow me to bring forth.
I vacillate between thinking it’s an insane idea and would never work, and daydreaming about how amazing of an opportunity Noah’s offering. But I can’t accept it. I’ve just scratched the surface of knowing Noah. I want to know more, as herfriend, but there are too many unknowns. She’s working through her own challenges with her brother, and it feels wrong to burden her with anything else.
Not having to ask to move back into Claire and Rufus’ spare bedroom would be an answer to prayer, but shacking up with a lady friend I’ve known for a few months doesn’t feel totally responsible. I’m overly cautious to decide at all, after gunning to move into this apartment and falling on my face. A pros and cons list takes shape in my mind. At first the cons list is obnoxiously long, but the pros list catches up. My head’s spinning and the room’s threatening to tilt when I dial Paul’s number.
“Logan. Long time, no talk.”
“You’re damn right. Where have you been?”
“God, I wish I had some story about how I’ve been up to unbelievable stuff at the station—saving babies or kittens or little old ladies—but I’d be lyin’. I’m holding down the fort and survivin’ until our trainee is ready to go. I’m exhausted.”
“You found someone?”
“Yeah, interviewed ’em last week and offered ’em a job on the spot. He had the qualifications and training background, and I’m tired of living at the station. Even a single guys need a night in with their dog every once in a while.”
I cackle at the thought of Paul and his basset hound, Frankie, bro-ing around his place together.
“I haven’t heard from you lately, either. Everything okay?”
Where do I even begin? “Things have been . . . interesting.”
“How so?”
“How much time do you have?”
“There’s no one at the station but me, so as much as you need. Why don’t you come over? I’ve got gross police station coffee I can share.”
“My bowels will pass on the coffee, but I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
Paul was right. He’s the only soul in the station. The on-duty officers must be at lunch or on patrol.
“What’s got you down?” Paul asks when I walk in the door, not even allowing me to take a seat.
“Damn, can’t a guy get settled in first?”
“Well, get your ass cozy, ’cause I’m ready to listen.”
I lay it all out, not holding back a single detail. I’ve not wanted to talk to him at length about the year I’ve had, but lying face-first in a sand trap, I can’t come up with anything I’ll gain by continuing to hide.
I expect Paul’s reaction to be a ‘go get ’em, tiger’ or a hard pump of the brakes—it’s neither. He nods and listens carefully as I speak, never interrupting, which isn’t the friend I’ve gotten to know during my time in Alexandria. With my story fully out, he rubs his scruffy jawline back and forth, but utters not a word.
“What are you thinking?” I prod, desperate for him to tell me what to do. I need someone to decide for me because I no longer feel capable of doing it myself.
“I’m trying to consider this objectively.”
“It’s hard to do. I’ve been trying to do the same thing. Moving in with Noah feels like cheating on Hannah and the future we should be having.” Words, finally crystalizing how I feel, roll off my tongue.
“I can see how difficult that might feel.” He stops speaking, and his eyes wander the room, tracing along the windows and walls. “I’ve never been in your shoes. I pray to God I never am—no offense meant, of course. It seems to me that you can’t make all of your and your daughter’s future decisions based on someone they’ll no longer affect.”
His words are a dagger to my heart. I squeeze my eyes shut to block out the truth of the wisdom he’s spoken.
He finishes his thought. “It’s not safe to live your life in the ‘shoulds’ and ‘coulds.’ Those aren’t reality. You can miss out on a lot of life at the expense of what could have been, but never will be. It seems to me it’s more beneficial to greet challenges as they arrive, instead of planning solutions to problems you might not have.”
“When’d you get smart?”
“Your boy may seem dumb as a rock—maybe I am—but I’ve lived, too.” For a moment, his eyes grow distant and his jaw lax. “Remove the emotions, if you can. Sounds like you have two options. You can move back in with Claire and Rufus, who’ll be thrilled to have you. They live outside town and don’t have a lot of space for you guys, though. Also, you won’t be able to side hustle as much without the cost of gas eating into your earnings.Or, you could be Noah’sroommate, in a home with way more space than she needs and all of your basic expenses covered. You’d be paid to help with her kid—who could use a positive male influence—and you’ll have time to figure out your next career move with less financial crunch.”
I chew on the options as he presents them. Looking at all sides through the eyes of an unattached party, the better move is clear. But I’m not a robot, and I can’t just forget that the love of my life, and my daughter’s mother, hasn’t even been gone a year.
