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“In whateverIdecide? But we need to make this decision together. What do you think we should do?” Despite the warmth of the open fire, it felt as though icy tentacles were squeezing my body, making it hard to breathe and hard to think.
“If you want to have the baby, I’ll be there for you and raise the baby as mine—we’ll say the baby was born early and no one has to ever know otherwise. If you prefer to end the pregnancy, I’ll be there for you as well and go with you to the doctor.”
“What do you think we should do, though?”
“I can’t tell you what to do, Jess. It’s your body. I have no right to impose my preferences on this situation.” His expression was blank, and this was the coldest I’d ever known him to be.
I knew what the options were—I had read the pamphlets the doctor had given us about pregnancy choices. I didn’t need him to sound like one of these information guides. I wanted him to hold me, and I needed him to tell me that everything was going to be alright.
He said it was my body and my baby, but our lives were intertwined irrevocably now that we were married. At least that is what I had thought. Maybe he didn’t see things the same way as me—maybe he saw this as being my problem and so it was for me to deal with.
We resolved nothing that night, and, having talked in circles and being nowhere nearer a decision, I admitted defeat for the night and dragged my exhausted body upstairs to bed.
There I lay, desperate for sleep and its sweet oblivion, only to have it evade my grasp until the early hours of the morning.
***
Over the next few days, Rafael kept his distance from me.
He didn’t even have sex with me at night and I had to pluck up enough courage to ask him to make love to me, but to my utter humiliation he declined, saying that I needed to rest for the sake of the baby.
At night, instead, we kept to our separate sides of the bed, distant from each other physically as well as emotionally.
I began to wonder if he was punishing me. I knew it was my fault for not thinking to take the morning-after pill. How could I have been so stupid? And how could I have been so unlucky to fall pregnant the first time I’d had sex?
I kept trying to talk to him, yet I couldn’t get through to him that I genuinely needed his help in making this decision. He watched me closely every time he came into the same room, as if he was trying to get inside my mind to see what I was thinking—and if what I was thinking was the same as what I was telling him to his face.
He kept repeating that he was fine with whatever I chose to do. But I couldn’t make a decision without him, since it was something that would affect us both for the rest of our lives.
We had stopped our daily runs each morning, Rafael saying that he didn’t think it was a good idea with the pregnancy, despite the doctor clearing me for exercise.
I knew he couldn’t bear looking at me now that someone else’s baby was inside me.
RAFAEL
When I woke in the morning, I decided to tell Jessica to get dressed in her workout clothes. “Put on your workout clothes and I’ll meet you downstairs in five minutes.”
I didn’t say anything more as I strode out of our bedroom and down the stairs.
I was still so angry with my father. Fury burned a trail through my body during every waking moment, although I was trying hard to stop Jess from sensing my anger. I thought that killing him would make me feel better, but even from the grave he was still able to hurt Jess.
When Jessica arrived downstairs, I opened the door and we headed outside. She started to do the warm-ups we normally did before we went running.
I shook my head. “No,” I said.
Her brows knitted together as I took her small hand in mine and paced quickly toward our gym building instead.
We found Gabriel in there, dripping in sweat as he worked out.
“Maybe we should come back later,” she suggested tentatively as Gabriel wiped his face with a towel and stared at us.
He prowled toward Jess, stopping right in front of her. “What did you just say?” he demanded in a harsh voice.
I clenched my fists at my sides and took a step nearer to him.
But he held his hand up to me, commanding me to stop.
Jessica cleared her throat. “I meant to say to Rafael…that we should stay and train—because this is my home now too,” she squeaked.
