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When I look at him in shock that he has any idea about Alexi’s issues, he just grins. “Yeah, I know about that. He thinks he can hide his shit, but I’ve seen him go into the office, and I’ve also seen him grow from someone who would choke a man to death with his bare hands for ruining his schedule, to someone who can walk away from a random girl slicing his hand open. I figured he wasn’t just talking through his issues.”
“Did you know that’s why he took my doors?” I question.
“Not at first, but when he wouldn’t tell us, I figured you must have found something along those lines.”
I nod in understanding and he continues. “Anyway, I got to see his therapist and she really helped me look at the world differently. She helped me figure out how to gain my bearings when it came to the withdrawal. I cried all the time in front of her. She helped me see that it wasn’t a sign of weakness at all, but instead, it was a way to work through the hurt and the pain. She also suggested a lot of things that are part of the BDSM lifestyle to help me cope. Alexi and I both are deep in this world, and it surprisingly helps us through a lot of our issues. You should read up on it. If you decide to stick around us, you’re going to need it.”
“That sounds really helpful. I haven’t had the same experience. I’ve only ever been told to use the anger and pain to fuel my drive for vengeance. I think that’s why the cutting gets so bad sometimes.” I move my hand to my leg where stitches patch up the three lines I carved into my leg to try to forget these men. They are barely scabbed over now, but I think they are going to scar, and I suddenly regret it. I never want to remember that day or those feelings ever again.
The shaking only gets worse no matter what I do, and Damien presses the button for pain medication. I want to be angry, but I know it helps take the edge off, and he’s probably exhausted. I have no idea what time it is in here, but I’m so damn ready to get out of this bed.
“Do you think I can go outside?” I ask. I know I have a few meds pumping through me, but I need to get out of this room before I go crazy.
“If it’s what you want, I dare someone to stop me from taking you.” And this is why I love this man. The light chuckle I give him is the first one that feels good.
“This is why I love you,” the words slip past my lips before I even think to stop them, and his body freezes. It’s the truth, I love him. I wanted to tell him the first time he fucked me, but I was too afraid and confused as to what the feeling was exactly. Now, since I don’t know if I’m going to live to see Christmas, I don’t take the words back. He needs to know I forgive him, and he needs to know how I feel.
His gaze slowly tracks over to mine, and I attempt to prepare my heart for him to be unable to say it back. I don’t want him to say it unless he really feels that way, and I sure as hell don’t want this moment to turn into one of pity so I quickly change the subject and give him an out. “You might need to ask the nurses to help you unhook this stuff from the wall.”
“Don’t,” is all he says, still frozen. My face scrunches up in confusion, but he pinches my chin between his fingers and gets close. “Don’t say that unless you really mean it. Unless you’re really ready to accept all of me. I’m not perfect, I will make mistakes. I will get angry sometimes, and I will never be able to make up for what I did to you.”
He searches my eyes but I just smile, showing him that I understand. I don’t want someone perfect. I don’t want someone who doesn’t know how to mess up and grow from it. I don’t want someone who runs away from danger. This is the man I love. He’s a little bit crazy and a hell of a mess, just like me. So I show him just how much I mean it.
I take the hand that’s holding my chin and thread our fingers together while I look him in the eyes. “I love you, Sunshine. You’re mine, and I want everything that comes with that.”
I don’t have time to process that he’s kissing me until the pain hits. I swear he moved so fast that before I could blink, he was on top of me as our teeth crash together. The tang of blood hits my mouth from my lip being split back open, and I moan over the taste. I don’t want soft and sweet. I want Damien.
I kiss him back as best as I can while I’m being crushed under him until the pain in my side becomes too much. I shift as I let out a soft cry, and he immediately moves off of me.
“I’m sorry, fuck, baby, I’m sorry I just,” I silence him by pulling him to lay down by my side so I can kiss him again. His hand threads through my tangled hair carefully as he cups half my head in his palm, and I throw my leg over him. I let myself get lost in the feeling of his passion and strength.
When we pull away, he’s staring at me with glassy eyes and I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking.
“I… I love you too. And it scares the shit out of me,” he says so softly I almost think I imagined it. His eyes say it all though so I hold them as I stroke his untrimmed beard with my fingers.
“It’s okay to be scared. I’m fucking terrified of what’s going to happen next. You’re the one who told me fear is what protects us, drives us, and you’re a very talented driver.”
He grins at me and the concerned look on his face melts away. He loves me, Lev loves me, and I love them both so much it almost hurts.
I think there’s room for Alexi too, but I’m not willing to admit that to him yet. He may have been right about what needs to happen, but I’m not ready to tell him that.
“Let’s get you outside, Little Shadow, the moon has been calling your name.”
???
We make it outside with all of the portable machines hooked up to two different poles on my wheelchair, but Damien doesn’t seem to mind pushing it around. When I take in the moon, the tears come back again. Not because anything is wrong, but because for the first time in almost four days, I feel like I’m small in the world again.
The room I’ve been stuck in is suffocating, and the only orbit I can seem to find is one of tragedy and pain. But out here, with the moon and the stars shining brightly on the patio, the tears fall in relief. Silent in the sound of the waves and the wind and even though it’s a little cool, it feels like I can finally fill my lungs to the brim with real air.
Damien locks the wheels and pulls up a chair beside me as we look out at the waves rolling in the night. It’s so beautiful, and I promise to myself right then that I’ll never take the beauty in the world for granted again.
The door behind us opens and Lev comes out, finally looking rested and clean. My heart eases at the sight. He pulls up a chair to hold my hand, then slides my blades into my lap. I take them out of the sheath one by one and let the cool steel and weight of them center me. I may not be able to walk, and my hand might hurt like a bitch, but at least I have something to defend myself with if anyone comes knocking. I squeeze Lev’s hand and pull him close for a kiss, tears stinging the backs of my eyes with how much this meant to me, and as we pull away and he wipes a tear that falls with his thumb, I know he knows it too.
It's an amazing feeling because now that I know the truth about the world I feel like for once I can finally see in front of me. It’s not cloudy or covered in pain and regret, but utterly clear with a promise of a new life somewhere, if I can only find the right path.
After a while, when the sun is starting to rise, Alexi comes out. I stiffen because this means we are going to have to talk. I’ve thought a lot about what happened, and I know I reacted poorly. The visions of being trapped again got to me, and I let them take over instead of fighting back and going to the man who finally gave me a piece of himself.
He walks around us and sits on the ground in front of my chair. He doesn’t speak, so I allow myself to soak in the moment before getting to the hard part. I glance at the lazy smile on Damien's face, knowing he feels proud for giving me this moment. Then I look at Lev and see him relaxed and content while holding my hand in his. He’s gentle, unlike the way the moon hits all the sharp points on his face. He’s my ghost and in the moonlight, I swear he looks a bit like one too.
