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I wrap a blanket around my torso since I’m still shirtless, but leave the front open so I can feel the air everywhere for a while. I wink at her before revving the engine and taking off at max speed, drifting through the gate the second it’s fully open. Evie squeals over the roar of the engine and it’s already like a weight is lifting from my shoulders. She throws her head back as we reach the track. Her arms are up in the air as if she were riding a roller coaster.
I know these roads like the front of my hand. I would say the back, but I’m much more intimately acquainted with the front.Who sits around and stares at the back of their hand all day anyway?
I take the turns with an ease I didn’t even realize I’d been missing. My father might have made me into a racer, but this is where I learned to drive. This track was everything to me, and my heart aches for my friend Dimitri. We would ride for hours out here when I didn’t have the words to say. He never pushed me to talk, never asked about the bruises, but hewouldfake a report to my father about what I learned driving that day so that I was allowed to have a few moments of peace.
As my eyes slide back to my beautiful, silver-haired girl, I find that I not only get to steal a bit of peace tonight, but also happiness. A huge grin splits my face as I watch her cheeks redden from the wind and a smile cement itself on her lips. Very kissable, fuckable lips.
I feel my dick jerk in my sweats as thoughts of her mouth consume me. When she notices me staring, concern washes over her.
“Watch the road,” she says, but I smirk in return, taking the next curve with ease without moving my eyes from my girl. I grab her chin and kiss her as I pick up speed. We’re on a straight away, and I have three more seconds of her lips on mine before I’m going to need to hit the brakes and drift into the next turn.
Those three seconds are pure bliss, my soul suspended in time with hers. For just a moment, things don’t hurt. For just one moment, the world doesn’t cave in on us. But the second I pull my lips from hers, I watch as we drift into the turn. I can feel her slam back into reality the moment her eyes open. Her brow furrows while the weight of the world seems to settle into her shoulders, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I take us to the edge of the property, toeing the line with Alexi but knowing Evie needs to see this view. The lake at night is beautiful. The old docks have benches on them we had replaced when we were just boys who loved to disappear here, knowing it was the furthest we could get from our fathers.
As I pull up to them, snow starts to fall. I wrap my blanket around me and grab a spare from the back before lifting Evie into my arms. Laying the spare blanket on the bench, I pull her into my chest as I sit down, taking in the view.
The moon shines full and bright in the dark, wintry sky. Little white snowflakes cascade down around us. It feels almost like a dream, it’s so perfect. That is, until I look down and see the tears in Evie’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her gently, tilting her face to mine.
“It’s not fair,” she breathes shakily. “Each snowflake has its purpose, its destiny to fall to the ground. To be part of this beautiful scene we’re looking at. We don’t think twice about stepping on one and ruining its destiny. We don’t cry for the ones who fall to the water and never get to see their dreams fulfilled. Yet, they still fall, and the world still turns, as if everything will just keep on moving even when tragedy strikes or their journey ends.”
“So you want to cry for the snowflakes?” I question, needing to understand her tears.
She shakes her head like I’m missing the whole point. If I were Lev, I’m sure I could come up with some profound answer to the nonsense she just spoke and it would light up her face. If I were Alexi, I would tell her not to focus on the things she can’t change.
But I’m neither of them, and right now I can’t help but think she needs me and that this moment was written for us in the stars since time began. So, I give her what I can.
“If you need to cry for the snowflakes, then cry for them. If you need to cry for yourself, then do that too. The world can’t stop each time we hurt or it would never be able to give us the moment we need to move on. If everything stopped every time something went wrong, we would never make it to tonight, where we could count the stars.”
She tilts her head up to the sky, the stars shining so brightly all around us. It’s as magical as if we were in the land of fairies.
“It’s pointless to count stars,” she whispers.
I shrug. “It’s also pointless to count freckles, but I happen to know you have three on your stomach and two on your leg. One on your ankle and one right beside the dimple on your left shoulder.”
Her lips part slightly as her gaze locks with mine, and I can’t help but to keep talking.
“When things in this life get too intense, I find myself counting your freckles and remembering the first time I saw each one. Each of them takes me back to a fond memory that tugs me from the edge. It anchors me to this world. Some people feel the same about the stars. They use them as their anchor.”
I lean in close, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her into my lap.
“But we have to live through the day to see them. We have to fight our demons in the night to keep them. It may seem pointless now, but I promise the next time you look at that star,” I point to one directly above us, “you’ll think of this moment.”
Crushing her lips to mine, I lick the tears that fall from her lips. Her cold nose brushes against my cheek, and I pull her closer to give her all my warmth. Reminding her that the bad days are not what define us. We pull back from the kiss breathless. She settles into my chest, looking up at the stars with me.
“I just wish the ache would stop. I hate that this controls me. I hate that even though I’m able to sleep now, I still worry about waking up like this and then forcing you guys to feel sucked into helping me.”
“We want to help you,” I insist, but I know what she means.
“It doesn’t mean I want to be helped. Sometimes, I need to prove to myself I can fight my own battles. As much as I want you all to always be there, I don’t want to need you there. I need to be able to sit with myself in the dark and know that I’ll be okay.”
“You will be.”
“How do you know?” She pushes up then to look at me, so desperate for any answer to this crazy idea she’s concocted in her head.
“Because you’ve been doing it since before you even knew us. Because you’re strong and fierce. Because you are a fire that burns brighter than any darkness could summon the power to smother. You may hurt, ache, mourn, and grieve. But you will always be okay. With or without us.”
