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“I don’t feel okay,” she admits. My muscles go rigid as if it’s getting ready for a battle. But I can’t fight the demons in her head.
“What if we could help you with that?” I don’t want to push her, but I also don’t want to see her break like this.
“How?” Her hand tightens around the blanket wrapped around my chest.
“What if we took you to someone who could help?”
“No.” Her voice is colder than the air surrounding us. I can tell she’s retreated into a small part of herself. Which is exactly what I was afraid of.
I move her on my lap so she’s straddling me, but her head is hanging low. I tilt her chin up to look at me.
“You know how much I want you safe. How much weallwant you safe. Dr. K is someone Alexi and I trust. If you feel ready to talk and start working through things, we will get you an appointment with her.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for another person to force drugs on me or look at me like I’m broken. I’m aware of my state and no one else needs to see that. It’s bad enough that the three of you see it!”
Her voice rises to a near shout, but I know her. This reaction is out of fear, not anger.
“Do you trust me?” My voice is calm but commanding.
“Yes.” Some of the fight leaves her, but her shoulders are still tense.
She pushes off of me to walk the snow coated dock barefoot, not even seeming to notice the cold.
“I trust you, but I don’t know how I could trust her. I’m glad the two of you have someone, but I would rather die than take any medication ever again. I can’t feel that way again.”
Her voice trembles and I stand up, pulling her into me as I wrap my arms around her.
“No meds, Little Shadow. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Alexi may take medications, but I don’t need them. We are all different in what we need to make our heads not spin lies and half truths into our system. For me, staying sober and talking through my issues to find ways to cope is enough. Let’s just find out what is enough for you so you don’t have to fear falling asleep next to us, okay?”
A sob escapes her lips, but she’s nodding into my chest. I know she hates this, and I hate it for her. So I can only hope Dr. K can find a way to help her too.
Chapter 23
We get back to the house around six in the morning. Damien put the top back up, and the warm air seeped into my bones until I finally stopped shaking. To be honest, I can no longer tell if the shaking was from the anxiety, the panic, or the cold.
Alexi is waiting at the door to the garage for us when we pull in. A small smile tugs at my lips. My eyes must be red, and my cheeks sting from the cold mixed with the tears, but seeing him takes a piece of the ache away.
I get out of the car and throw my arms around him. Damien gives him a nod and a pat on the shoulder before walking in, seeming to silently communicate something with him.
“Was the therapy your idea?” I ask, realization dawning on me at the look of concern written all over his face.
He reaches to scratch the back of his head, tempting me with his beautiful muscles on display.
“It was sort of all of our idea; I think I was just the one to suggest it out loud.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I don’t know why he felt he had to send Damien to talk to me about it.
“I wanted to, but you saw how I freaked out when you found my medications. I thought maybe I wasn’t the right person to ask you to trust someone like that again. Especially not someone who's tied so closely to me. I only just started opening up to the boys about it, and it felt hypocritical for me to ask something of you I haven’t even fully come to terms with yet.”
I sigh, understanding his reasoning, but wishing he would trust me more than that. There’s still hurt and resentment at the foundation of our relationship, no matter how much I wanted there to be a clean slate for us. Those thoughts and memories will always haunt us.
“You can talk to me about these things,” I tell him seriously. “I trust you. I trust all of you. Even though it may be hard to hear, I promise I’ll try to listen.”
He nods but still looks like he wants to say something to me.
“Spit it out, Batman.”
“Why do you call me that?”
