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“I love you. I’m not sorry about that.” He starts searching my face for some kind of clue to what I’m thinking. “I’m sorry I had to leave you. I’m sorry I ever left you. No matter how hard you push me away, I’m not going anywhere, but you need to start letting me in.”
He pulls me into his warm, hard chest and kisses my forehead.
“I never believed you, and I don’t care what you say. I’m not letting go. I’m not giving up on us.”
I need to feel something else. Anything other than this panic of weakness.
“I need to get water.” Luca pulls back. “And then we’re snuggling in bed.”
I nod and let him go.
I hate this feeling. I’m being vulnerable and showing a weakness and fear that I never let myself feel anymore. I start to panic and pace again when he leaves. My heart is racing and I’m shaking with the absence of him. When did this happen?
When did I become so dependent on him to feel strength?
I almost lost him to the storm. I almost lost him to my own stubbornness. He’s the one person who will do anything to stay in my life. And I pushed him away.
I’ve been protecting myself from getting hurt. Pushing away anyone, I care about to avoid the pain of them leaving, but then I pushed the one person who would do anything to stay. I can’t lose him again.
I study psychology and I know there are terms for how I’m acting. It’s a product of how I grew up. The constant disappointment, and then the abuse. I want to be able to trust again. I want to let Luca in, but I don’t know how.
The one thing I do know is sex. Intimacy is a good way to show someone what you’re feeling. That’s why as soon as he comes back in with two waters and some food tucked under his arm, I attack him.
I throw myself at him and push him against the closed door. Kissing every bit of him and clawing at his clothes.
He drops the items in his hands and I’m expecting my own ravishing, but Luca holds me back.
“Kandace,” he holds me at arm’s length, keeping me in place. “What’s happening?”
“I missed you,” I say, admitting my partial truth. “I need you inside me. I need to feel you.”
His arms go slack from keeping me back, but he shakes his head.
“No.”What?“Not now.”
“What…why?” I step back in disbelief.
“We need to rest and I need to know what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours.” He brushes my hair back away from my face.
I don’t move as he grabs my sweatshirt and carefully pulls it over my head.
“I’m not going anywhere, but you're not in the right headspace for sex.” He picks up the bottles of water and pop tarts that fell in my haste to get at him.
They’re Penny’s pop tarts, but I don’t say anything. She brought enough boxes to last her a week.
Luca moves my bag and plops himself on my bed.
“Snuggle,” he orders with a pat on the empty spot next to him.
Doing as he says, I slowly sit next to him with my back to the headboard. I’m not ready to face what’s happening outside this room. He offers a pop tart and I start eating.
I’d take any kind of food right now. I haven’t eaten since we left yesterday when we stopped at the burger place for a quick dinner.
“How’s Willa?” I ask, dreading the answer. It hasn’t been long since we came in here.
“Better,” Luca sighs. “Carter said she’s hypothermic, but her coloring was returning and she’s warming up from his body heat. She’s sleeping.”
I nod, taking it in.
