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“Just past four-thirty. The sun went down a few minutes ago. You were sound asleep,” she tells me as I rub up and down her sides, holding her between my legs.
This doesn’t feel real. Having her back, touching her like I never thought I’d be able to again. Her, not pushing me away. Not at all. In fact, her hands move over my shoulders and up my neck to my hair. Smoothing the long strands from the top away from my face.
“Willa’s doing a lot better,” Kandace tells me as her fingers brush through my hair and the shaved sides of my head. Soothing and calming me. “She’s been in and out of sleep, and Carter hasn’t moved from her side. The storm isn’t as bad, but he wants to wait until tomorrow morning when it’ll be light out and better to drive down.”
“I love you,” I say, not able to stop the emotion from spilling out.
I’m crying, and I don’t care. I’ve never been one to hide my emotions. I’m man enough to let them out for everyone to see.
And right now, I’m feeling way too much. Thinking I was going to lose my best friend, my sister, after the year I went through with losing my brother. Thinking I’d have to let Kandace go. I still have no idea where I stand with her, but I’m going to hold on as tight as I can for as long as she lets me.
Her entire body goes stiff under my touch. “I can’t—”
“I don’t need to hear it back.” I stop her from saying anything. “I know you may not love me. But I need to say what’s in my heart. I just need you to give me a chance.” My voice cracks with my emotions.
I’m putting too much on her. She broke down this morning, and I was the one taking care of her. All the strength I had was gone.
Kandace leans down and kisses me with my face between her soft, cold hands.
I lay back down, feeling exhausted, while she climbed in next to me, lying her head on my chest.
“I never knew my real father.” Kandace starts talking as she faces away from me. “He passed away before I was born.” I squeeze her closer, but don’t speak to let her keep going. “My mom was amazing, and she met Peter when I was three. He loved us. I remember being so happy. I remember feeling loved. She was my best friend. Everything to me. And Peter never made me feel anything less than his. Until she was gone.” She sniffs back and clears her throat. “Brain aneurysm. No one saw it coming. One day she was there, and the next she wasn’t. Peter took it so hard. We both did, but he wasn’t my dad anymore. Not the one he was with her. He closed himself off, and I acted out.” She lets out a nervous laugh. “I got into a lot of trouble as a ten-year-old. Rachel came and seemed to lift him out of his depression, but I acted out against her. Eventually, he sent me away. He gave up on me.”
“What a fucking prick.” I growl, thinking of what kind of man gives up on a child.
“He’s not,” she sighs and turns to face me to tap my chest. “He tried, but couldn’t handle me. They were starting their own family, and I made her nervous. He thought he was doing what was best for me and his new wife.”
I stay quiet, trying to let her finish her story.
“After that, it was home after home. Peter tried to make sure they were good homes, but I wasn’t the best kid. And when I matured, the men started to notice me.” I clutch onto her, feeling my heart pounding against my chest at the thought of someone hurting her. “They never got too far. I knew the system well. I complained and reported each and every one of them for any lewd comments or inappropriate contact. There were a few things I couldn’t stop in the beginning. Some touched or groped me over my clothes before I knew better, but Peter would always step in and make sure I was safe as soon as I reached out to him. After a while, I was becoming the girl who cried wolf. He believed me less and less with each one, and there may have been times where I overreacted.” She sighs out a deep breath. “I was scared, and I wasn’t an angel. I flirted with the older boys and the men. I drank and smoked when I was barely a teenager. I wasn’t innocent. The last home I was in, I got caught having sex with the parents’ son in the barn.” Kandace laughs. “Peter set me up in a boarding school and my own apartment during the summers. He did it for my mom, Meredith, his late wife. She wouldn’t have wanted him to turn his back on me. I was an obligation to him. She was the only one that ever truly loved me.” She clears her throat again. “Peter put me through school. Even here. The boarding school was the best thing to happen to me. I actually did well there, and there weren't any boys to distract me.” She pokes at my side.
“Wait,” I gasp at her. “I’m not the best thing that ever happened to you?” She pokes my side again, harder this time. I laugh and settle her back into me. “I don’t care about your past. I knew from the first moment I saw you, I’m your future.”
“How could you possibly know that?” She scoffs at me. “I’m telling you this so you know why it’s hard for me to trust. And to love. Even with my best friends, I’m still always on guard. And you hurt me, Luca. That shit you said last year hit hard.”
“I’m sor—”
“It’s not what you said.” She doesn’t let me finish apologizing. “It’s how I felt after you said it. No one has ever been able to hit me like that. You make me feel things I’ve always fought against. You see right through me, and use that to get a reaction.”
My grip loosens from around her.
“I feel too vulnerable, and that scares me.” She presses her palm on my cheek. “But you told me you loved me, and then you left, and that frightened me even more.”
I don’t want to scare her away, but I need her to know I love her. I want to erase every bad thing I’ve ever said to her. I want to go back in time to the first time I saw her, get on my knees, and beg her to be mine.
Tears well up in her eyes as her voice cracks. “The thought of losing you…” She can’t even make the words out. “Don’t ever tell me you love me and then leave like that. Anyone that has ever loved me has left.”
“Kandace,” I hold her face, and press my lips against hers. “I will never leave you. I am going to fight every day to be with you. No matter how much you push me away.”
Even if she can’t say it, she loves me. She doesn’t want to feel vulnerable, but that’s what love is. It’s all about putting yourself out there and trusting someone else with your heart. I want her to know she can trust me. It’ll take some time, but we’ll get there.
I could’ve stayed in that room snuggling with Kandace all night long, but we had to eat something, and there’s Willa to check on.
When I come out, she’s awake and sitting on the couch with a cup of tea. Carter is just getting his clothes back on after getting her set up and folding the rest of the blankets.
“Willa-bean. How are you?” I plop down next to her.
She flinches and grabs the blanket tighter around her shoulders.
