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As soon as his hand touched my arm, I had images of them wrapped around my body. One over my chest and the other wrapped on my hips. Holding me in place while he thrusted into me on the lounge chair in the back of my sorority house.
I’m spiraling. I’m losing my head and losing myself.
I don’t have anyone to talk to. Willa’s loyalty is with Luca. I don’t blame her, they have a longer history. She’s nice to me, but I’m not even sure we’re that close. Then there’s Penny and Callie, and they think everything should be fun. They’d want to take me out or get high. I don’t want to do either of those.
I want to curl up in a ball and just talk it out or cry. I don’t cry. I haven’t cried since I was twelve, when I got in trouble at my first foster home.
The past couple of years I’d gone to Hannah, but she’s not here anymore. She left me, just like everyone else.
Nope! Not going down that hole, too dark.I need to keep those dark thoughts back.
I give in and call Hannah. There’s a possibility she won’t be too busy for me, but my call is met with a muffled answer and a crying baby on the other end. Yeah, she’s busy.
“I’m sorry. Did I wake her?” I ask, not knowing anything about a baby’s schedule.
It’s only nine-thirty here, which means it’s eight-thirty where she is. Do babies even sleep?
“No, it’s feeding time, and I shifted when I saw your call. I got so excited I forgot there was a baby attached to my tit.”
I laugh. It’s so Hannah. She’s so smart, but such a ditz at the same time.
“How are you? How’s Harlyn? How’s the south?”
“I’m good. Harlyn’s hungry, as you know. I sit around the house all day like a zombie. So, I’m not sure how it is here. Holt promised to take me out to dinner before he goes on the road with the team. My mom is coming to help with Harlyn while he’s away or I may go to her for a change. Having a newborn kind of sucks. I thought I’d have more time, not going to school or working, but I wake up and then the day is over.” She laughs and I’m smiling at her rambling. She might complain, but she loves it. “I wouldn’t change a thing.” She says something in baby talk and I know she’s not talking to me.
“How’s Drexton? I miss it. I can’t believe I’ll be missing my senior year there. Are you guys partying it up? Not going to lie, I don't miss that.” Hannah can talk and talk over the phone, but face to face she clams up. “Kandi, are you ok?” I sniffle.Shit. Am I crying?I don’t cry. “Kandace? What’s going on?”
“I’m sorry.”
She shushes, either trying to soothe me or the baby. I don’t know which, but the sound is soothing and helps me relax. I’m being a big baby anyway.
“I miss you. You know? It’s not the same.” I tell her bits and pieces, leaving out some feelings and the last time I hooked up with Luca. She doesn’t need to know about that one. It feels wrong to not tell her, but I’m ashamed to talk about it. “This year feels so different and it feels like I’m cursed with bad luck or karma has finally caught up.”
“Or maybe it’s a good thing. I understand you hate him. Believe me, I get why.” For the past year, Luca Kingivson has been my mortal enemy. Hannah knows that better than anyone. She saw most of it first hand. “But… he’s not a bad guy.”
“Hannah, are you still suffering from pregnancy brain? Did Harlyn take all your reasonable brain cells?” I ask, annoyed she’d even think about sticking up for him. “Do you remember how he treated me last year?”
“I remember,” she slowly says, getting ready to defend her statement. “We all know what an ass–, oops, I didn’t mean to curse in front of the baby,” she whispers as if the three-month-old baby understands what she’s saying. “He was a jerk, and you are completely justified in not liking him. I witnessed that first hand, and I hated him for you. But he was close with Holt and I saw two sides to him. We can all agree he wasn’t in a good place last year, and that his feelings are genuine.”
“That doesn’t mean I just forget everything.” I let out a deep sigh. “It’s all just an infatuation after that catastrophe of a blind date.”
“It didn’t sound so bad,” Hannah laughs. “And I’m not saying you should forget it at all, but I think him liking you started before the date. What if he really loves you?”
“You’re still a hopeless romantic. Not everyone falls in love before having a genuine relationship with a person.” I wish she could see how much my eyes are rolling. Hannah fell in love before Holt and she were even official. That stuff doesn’t happen in real life. “Love takes time.”
In real life, people take their time to get to know someone and find out who that person really is before running away. There’s no such thing as love at first sight. Hannah and Holt had a deep connection, but even that shit wasn’t from their first encounter.
“Luca can pretend all he wants, but he knows nothing about me.” I scoff at the idea of his feelings being justified.
“Ok, I can’t really argue with that.”
Hannah's advice is horrible and isn’t making me change my mind, but it still feels good to talk it out. Letting all my stress out to the universe.
She makes an empty promise to come visit before she has to go to put the baby down and shower for the first time in three days.
I can’t imagine having that life. We’re going completely separate ways, and I never imagined we wouldn’t stay best friends from the first moment we met.
No matter what, Hannah is my family, but I have no idea how to relate to her newly married and mom life. I can’t lose her, but life throws one big slap shot, in her case a baby, and everything changes.
