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We both have. Her more than either of us.
Chapter 15
Luca
We spent all night in the library studying and even more in the kitchen of the hockey house after they kicked us out.
Kandace really laid into us and it was a big wake up call, mostly for Alex. It’s going to take more time for him not to cry himself to sleep at night. I pretend not to hear, but he’ll get there.
“I’ve been thinking,” Alex turns to me as we get our pads on for the game. “I think you need to show her you’re really not the dickhead you were last year. “
“Gee, thanks.”
“I’m serious. We all know you were going through some shit. Whether or not you want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just know that’s not who you are. I don’t think she knows that.” Alex is crazy smart. He’s a smart, sensitive mushball that I want to squeeze. And I do, before he wrestles out of me and punches me in the gut.
I let out a deep breath to take it all in. The locker room is full of guys that have been through so much with me. These guys are my team, my family. They should know if I’m going through shit.
“My brother was sick. He died last May.”
“Oh, fuck.” Alex gasps, having had no idea. No one did.
“I didn’t tell anyone. Willa and Holt knew, but that’s it. I didn’t want to deal with it, and he made me stay in school and play. He called it his dying wish.” I sniff back any tears threatening to come up. “Time to move on. Be better for him. That’s what he would’ve wanted.”
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say? It’s what everyone has been saying to me, and I guess it’s mostly true. My brother, James, didn’t want me to screw up my life because of him. But he’s not here to confirm it. He’s not here to see how my life is going or to care.
“Sorry, man. I didn’t even know you had a brother.” Alex rubs a hand over my shoulder. “Were you guys close?”
These are the questions I hate. This is what I avoid. But I get them because I talk about my sisters all the time and never mention my brother. It hurts too much to even say his name.
“He was fifteen years older than me. My mom’s first out of the four of us. We were close, but not, I guess. I don’t know. We knew it was coming for a while. My mom took it especially hard. I'm worried about her.”
My mom had James at a young age, before she and our dad got married. By the time I was three, he was out of the house living in Seattle for school. I barely saw him until we moved to Seattle to be closer to his new family when I was a teenager, and then I left to come to Drexton Hall.
I was sad and regretted not knowing him better when I learned how badly the disease had spread. The news ate at me, filling me with grief before he was even gone. I still regret not being there for him like I should have.
Over the winter break, he sat me down, and we talked about my drinking and depression. He was the only one that saw it, because everyone else had been focused on him. I promised him I’d stop and live for him. To keep following my dreams, because it’s what he wished for me.
And that’s what I did. I slowly became myself again. Grieving him and watching his family break was the hardest thing I had to go through.
His little girls are too young to fully understand, but I should’ve been there for them, and everyone else. I’m the baby and the only other son in my family. My mom was devastated, and he had made me promise to call her or talk to her every day. So, that’s what I do. It’s the only thing I can do.
“If you need anything or you know, want to talk, I’m just over that ugly curtain.” Alex lets out a small laugh.
I laugh, thinking about our horrible room divider. Laughing feels good. It gives me hope.
“We should get something better. A new curtain with hockey sticks or something. It’s just a sheet.” My mind drifts off to what we could get to replace that ugly thing.
Nick and Greg had left their gray sheet they used as a curtain for us. It’s stained and has holes in it. Thinking of all the possibilities is a great distraction while we all get ready for our game.
After four terrible losses while we were on the road, we had managed to scrape a win now that we were back home. Not our best playing, but at least we won.
Finn, Alex, and I run to the library to get there before eight and show Kandace we’re serious. She was right, we were completely wasting her time yesterday.
The three of us sit upright. No snacks, and no sleeping. Eager and ready to learn.
My heart stops when she walks in. Time always stands still when she enters the room. She’s got on a pair of her tight stretchy jeans, and a Drexton Hall sweatshirt. No frills, but she’s as beautiful as she is in anything she wears. I prefer this relaxed look over her miniskirts and low-cut dresses. Although, those skirts are fantastic on her.
Who am I kidding? I love those skirts. I changed my mind; her in a tight miniskirt and a skimpy top would be so much better. Her in nothing would be even greater.
