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I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. This is a lot to process. I’m not saying you are pregnant, but by the sounds of it there is a good chance. Is there someone you can call? A good friend maybe, who can pick you up and assist you with a pregnancy test? I know you may not be ready to call Evan, but a close friend would be a good idea.”
“Oh dear,” I mumble, and I can’t stop crying. “I’ll call my friend, Ellie. Quinn, that’s my cousin, she lives in Chicago, Skylar is in town, but she is with Liam and I can’t ask her to keep this secret. If Liam knows he could get in trouble and . . . I’m dizzy.”
Joan stands and walks over to a sink. She fills a cup of water and walks it over to me. “Just drink slowly and try to focus on your breathing. Right now, you are breathing fast and that’s what’s causing the dizzy feeling.”
I sip the water slowly. “Thanks, that does feel better.”
“Okay, just remember you have options. You are in control of your body,” she reminds.
“Is it okay if we end our session here?” I ask. “I need to know if I am. I just need to know,” I repeat.
“Of course,” Joan agrees with a small smile.
I leave her office and head outside to the cool afternoon air where I call Ellie.
“Patty? Is everything okay?” she asks.
“I-I. . .” I don’t know what to say. Skylar would’ve been my first choice to call but I can’t have her involved in this. “Ellie, I’m a bit of a mess. Do you think you can come to me? I can’t drive my car. I can send you an Uber.”
“OMG, Patty, where are you? Of course I can come. Just send me your address,” she confirms.
I send her the address of where my car is parked by Joan’s office. Twenty minutes later she is pulling up along the curb in an Uber.
“Patty, what is going on?” she asks looking frazzled.
“I-I’m. . .” I can’t even bring myself to say the words.
I begin to breathe fast. “Are you having a panic attack? It’s okay,” she says. “Just take slow deep breaths. You’ve helped me through these panic spells so many times. It feels terrible and like the world is spinning out of your control but whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
Her words give me some peace and I try to breathe slowly. “I have so much to say to you, but I don’t know where to start,” I admit, leaning forward still gasping for air.
“We have time, don’t worry. Just relax,” she comforts, and she rubs slow circles on my back.
I begin to calm down but as I close my eyes and picture myself with a baby in my arms, the weirdest thing happens. I feel joy, peace, but maybe I’m not even pregnant. Shit. I’m a mess.
“Can we go back to your place?” I ask, turning my head to look at her.
“O-of course,” she replies even though she looks hesitant. None of us ever go over to Ellie’s place. She’s always been very evasive about where she lives.
“I need you to drive my car. My head is just a mess. I don’t want to crash,” I explain. She takes my keys and we walk over to my car. I get in on the passenger side.
“What’s going on?” she asks as she pulls out of the parking lot.
“Can we stop for a pregnancy test first?” I blurt and she slams the brakes.
“Shit,” she hisses and she checks her rearview mirror before staring at me wide-eyed. “We’re okay. You just threw me off,” she breathes heavily. She presses the gas pedal. “Pregnancy test it is.”
We stop at Walgreens on the way to her place and buy a pregnancy test.
“I need you to keep this a secret, Ellie. Like you can’t share it with any of the girls, you can’t let on that you know anything. I have a lot riding on the line,” I emphasize to her.
“Of course. I promise,” she replies, gripping the steering so hard her knuckles are white. “I’m here for you.”
“Thanks,” I reply. I’m so antsy. I just need to know.
“Are you sure you want to come to my place though. . .it’s,” Ellie mumbles.
