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She mumbles something about loving me under her breath as I leave. I’m grateful for the long drive home—it’ll give me time to process and think things through. I have to face my mistakes and find a way to show Mona what she means to me.
36
“You’re not backing out of the performance.” Blair’s stony stare sends a shiver down my spine. Grace backs her up with a firm nod.
We just finished our final burlesque class, and I was about to tell the instructor that I can’t perform in the showcase. That I could even drag my ass to class at all tonight was a feat. There’s no way I’m getting up on a stage anytime soon.
Grace and Blair hold their ground, physically blocking me from approaching Cherry. I roll my eyes at them. “You’re bullies, you know that? Fine, I’ll just email her if you won’t let me tell her in person.”
“Mona, stop. You can’t drop out of the show. Not after taking all these classes. Not when your routine is so good! I know that you’re upset about—”
“We’re not talking about him,” I interrupt Grace and turn to head out of the dance studio. I don’t want to cry in front of the entire class. I’ll break down in the privacy of my car, thanks.
Almost two weeks have gone by since I’ve spoken to Max. Not for his lack of trying. He’s texted me every day since that horrible night. First to beg me to talk to him, to let him explain, to tell me he loves me. Now, it’s just a simple “thinking of you” or “I miss you” each morning and at night before bed. He’s even called a few times, and the voicemails sit on my phone begging me to listen to them. But I can’t. I can’t handle it. I’m too hurt. Too embarrassed by how angry I acted and too overwhelmed by the fear that everything between us was a lie.
“Let’s grab a drink.” Blair hooks a hand under my arm, leading me down the sidewalk toward Nightlight.
After a few steps, I dig my heels in. “I can’t. What if he’s in there?” Fuck, here come the tears.
Grace digs into her purse and pulls out a tissue, as she’s done every time I’ve broken down around her these past couple of weeks. “You’re not going to live your life worrying about some idiot who hurt you. Trust me, I did that for way too long. No man is worth that.”
“If he’s in there, I’ll scare him away,” Blair adds in her usual deadpan.
“See, Blair will get rid of him!” Grace grabs onto my other arm and I reluctantly let them pull me along into the bar.
My stomach clenches when we enter, and I scan the room for familiar rumpled auburn waves. But he’s not here. A sick part of me feels sad that he’s not. That he won’t be here watching me from across the room. God, I’m a mess.
Grace grabs us a round of drinks as Blair leads me into a booth in the back corner. I slide into it, sinking into shadows where the bar’s mood lighting doesn’t quite reach. That way, everyone in here won’t see me blubbering as I break down for the sixth time today.
When Grace joins us, she and Blair exchange a look. “Alright. We’ve been patient, but it’s time to tell us what happened.”
Shit. When Blair picked me up from the city, we didn’t talk. I’d pulled her away from a session with one of her subs, and I felt so bad about imposing and so shaken that I couldn’t speak. All I’ve told them is that Max and I broke up, but I haven’t been able to explain why. It hurts too much.
“I can’t.” I rest my face in my hands and exhale heavily.
“Whatever happened, we won’t judge you. You’ve been torturing yourself for weeks.” Grace’s voice radiates concern as she slides in next to me and places a hand on my arm.
“He…he lied to me.” I remove my face from my hands and swipe at my tears. “I should have listened to you, Blair. You told me that if he lied to me to begin with, he’d lie again.”
“Huh? What did he lie about?” Grace asks.
“Does it really matter?” I can’t tell her the details because then I’d need to reveal that paranormal creatures walk amongst us. Oh, and the woman sitting across from her is a vampire. “He was using me for sex. He manipulated me and I fell for it. I’m an idiot. Why else would he have wanted me except for an easy lay? He could be in a relationship with anyone. The worst part is I believed him when he told me he wanted more. I believed I was attractive enough, worthy of his affection. How delusional of me.” The tears come too fast now for me to do anything but let them stream down my face.
Blair’s eyes flare as she listens to me, and she grips her wine glass so tight it might shatter. “No.”
“No?” I sniffle and give her a puzzled look.
“You’re not an idiot and you’re not delusional. Max’s choices were his own. They have no bearing on your worth. The only person who can determine your worth is you, Mona. Stop giving him that power.”
Grace clasps my hand in hers. “You are the best person I know. Telling you that won’t help because you’ve never listened to me when I say it. But dammit, I wish you could see yourself as the lovable, wonderful person you are. You can’t let what others think of you keep you from living your life.”
“That’s easy for both of you to say! You haven’t spent your life feeling invisible. Knowing people find your body so distasteful that they refuse to acknowledge your presence. Never being someone’s first choice. Being too much, but never enough.” I know I’m too loud right now, and too angry toward the people trying to help me, but I can’t stop the frustration surging from me.
Grace pulls her hand back like I’ve burned her. “Mona, I…” she trails off, and tears fill her eyes.
Shit, I’m such a bitch.
“You don’t have a monopoly on prejudice and self-worth issues. Stop using them as an excuse to hide from life.” Blair’s sharp tone shocks me, and I turn to see that she’s glaring at me, emotion roiling behind her eyes. “Do you think I’ve never dealt with judgment? I’m black, Mona. Every day I deal with racist bullshit and hate. If I let it shape me like you let others shape you, I’d never get out of bed. You can spend the rest of your life treating yourself like you’re not enough, or you can say ‘fuck you’ to everyone else and put in the work to love yourself.”
