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“I’m in finance. And I know what you’re thinking. I don’t really look the accounting type, but I’ve somehow always been good with numbers, so I thought I would give it a try. Who knows?” Sarah shrugs. “I also have a backup plan. If the whole college thing doesn’t work out for me, I’ll just marry a rich guy. So, fingers crossed,” she jokes.
We both laugh, and then she turns away from the window and makes her way toward the door.
“Well, it’s Saturday, so I’m sure you have plans. But anytime you need anything or just want to grab a drink, just come right over,” she says with a friendly smile.
Little does she know, my Saturday night plans involve me reading some more of my book and then soaking in a warm bubble bath. “I will. Thanks again for helping me bring my books inside,” I say as I open the door for her.
“Oh, forget about it. What are neighbors for?” She gives a small wave and then leaves, closing the door behind her.
I walk over to the kitchen island where my textbooks are and take them to my desk. Making a stack, I drop each one with a loud thud on top of the others. The last book slides from the top and manages to knock my bag off the desk, causing its entire contents to spill onto the floor.
Damn.
I’m gathering everything up to put back into my bag when I see the crumpled white napkin. It looks like it’s starting to tear, so I gently pick it up.
Why is this bothering me so much?
I open the napkin and read the number one more time.
But you do know whypops into my head.
I slam the napkin down on my desk and walk away, feeling mad at myself for even letting this get to me.
But I know why I’m bothered. For years I crushed hard on this man. For years I would have done anything for him to notice me. To ask me out on a date. To ask for my number. Anything!
And now it’s too late.
It’s too late because everything changed after that night.
Ugh. No. I can’t think about that right now.
Deep breaths. You’re safe.
My stomach starts grumbling, distracting me from my thoughts, and I realize I haven’t eaten much today. So, I grab my wallet and head down to the lobby. There is a sandwich shop by the main entrance I want to try, and after grabbing a pesto grilled cheese sandwich, I sit on a bench by the window and again admire the view as I had done the night before. My frustration dwindles as my hunger subsides, so I go back up to my place.
My place.
I take my phone out of my pocket and see it’s only 8 p.m. Most people my age are probably starting to get ready to go out, especially since it’s the weekend before the fall semester begins.
But not me.
After shutting myself into my apartment, I go straight to the bathtub, turn on the faucet, and wait for the hot water to fill the tub. Steam permeates the room, and I pour some lavender-scented bath salts into the water. I slip out of my clothes and slide into the inviting tub, resting my head against the back of it while closing my eyes. Taking some deep breaths, I try to clear my mind as subtle scents of lavender take over the bathroom, but images of memories with Nathan won’t stop appearing.
Except for this time, I let them.
Like the day many years ago when my parents and the Gordons’ parents had taken all of us kids out for ice cream. Nathan had tagged along with Brian, which had made me secretly happy. He was standing by the car eating his ice cream, and Brian threw a football right at him. Nathan didn’t notice, so the football crashed right into his ice cream cone. He stood still as his whole ice cream dripped from his shirt to his pants. I laughed so hard I had actual tears coming out of my eyes. Nathan saw this and came over to hug me just to get the ice cream smeared all over my pink sundress. I pretended to try as hard as I could to get out of his grasp, but the truth was, I wasn’t really trying.
Or there was the time Vanessa, Nathan, Brian, and I went to our town’s annual summer carnival. Brian convinced Vanessa and me that we would be fine on the fastest ride and told us we were babies if we didn’t go on, which, of course, motivated us to get in line. However, at the end of the ride, I had tears running down my cheeks and nausea invading me. I felt like I was going to vomit any minute. Nathan felt so bad he took me home right away, leaving Vanessa and Brian at the carnival. I kept my eyes closed the whole car ride out of sheer embarrassment as he kept asking me every five minutes if I was ok.
But the memory making my pulse speed up at this very moment was from the previous October. A week before Halloween, to be precise.
Vanessa and I had spent the weekend at her family's second home in Cape Cod. We had every intention of it being a strict girls-only weekend that included painting our nails and watching sappy rom-coms, that is until Brian and Nathan showed up. So, instead, we spent our girls-only weekend with the boys, playing drinking games on the beach and sitting around a small bonfire.
Vanessa eventually started complaining about how hungry she was, so she and Brian went to the store to get some burgers. Which just left Nathan and me sitting by the fire.
Alone.
The only sound came from the ocean as we both sat there in silence. I tried to find the courage to say something, but after a few minutes, a group of guys we didn’t know came over and decided to join us. They were pretty obnoxious and drunk. One of them even sat right next to me and put his arm over my shoulder.
