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“N-no,” I shakily insist. “I need to finish this now.”
“Ok,” Nathan says, concern etched in his brows.
Come on, Natalie.
After clearing my throat, I continue.
“Well, as you probably guessed, it was Brian. I thought he was just joking around, so I attempted to push his arm away, but his grip around me only tightened. He told me he had to show me something upstairs then grabbed me by my arm, pulling me forcefully up the stairs. I faintly remember telling him I wanted to stay downstairs, but he continued to drag me with him, and I had no strength to get out of his grip. After we made it to the top, he took me into his bedroom. I never once thought I was in any trouble. I mean, I had grown up with him, and I trusted him. Vanessa and I had been friends for over ten years, and in all that time, I looked at him as a sort of brother figure.”
God, how stupid I feel now for thinking that.
“The next thing I knew, I heard the click from Brian’s door locking, and that’s when I realized what was happening.” I see Nathan’s eyes go wide and immediately look away from him down to our intertwined hands. “I tried to move past him, but he pushed me onto the bed like I weighed nothing. So, I started to scream, but no one could hear me over the music blaring in the house. I remember he found such amusement in all of it, laughing cruelly at me.
Nathan’s body tenses under my own, and when I look up, I find him staring ahead with intensity and a matching clenched jaw.
“He … he was trying to pull my dress off of me, and I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. So, I started to fight back with whatever strength I had. Kicking. Hitting. Clawing. It only made him mad. Really mad. So, he hit me. He struck me across my face, causing me to whack my head on the corner of the nightstand next to his bed.” I push my damp hair back so Nathan can see the indent on my forehead. “You asked me recently how I got this, and well, that’s how.”
His thumb slowly brushes over my skin before he leans down to kiss the scar, causing tears to well up in my eyes.
“I remember starting to lose consciousness after that, so I gave up. I laid there, closing my eyes, waiting for it to be over. Brian tore the dress off me like he was ripping a piece of paper in half and spewed vulgar profanities at me while he did it.”
Nathan shakes his head in disgust while raking his fingers through his hair. I swear I can see veins ready to burst from his neck, and when he brings his hand back to his side, I witness it transform into a trembling fist.
“Well, he got on top of me, and that’s when I thought,this is it. His hands were digging into my thighs, leaving bruises of his handprints on me for days after. But before he was able to … do anything to me, someone pounded on his door, which was the distraction I needed. When he turned his head toward the door, I kneed him hard between his legs, causing him to roll off the bed in pain. I jumped off the bed and grabbed my dress, but it was just pieces of torn fabric, so I grabbed the first thing I saw on the floor, which just happened to be his football jersey. Then, I opened the door and bolted past some guy standing there.”
“I ran down the stairs and around the passed-out people on the floor, who I knew would be too drunk to help me. And I continued running outside for a few blocks until I finally couldn’t breathe anymore. I don’t remember much after that, though, because I collapsed against a tree, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed. I told everyone I left in a hurry because I had missed curfew and slipped on ice. It was the only thing I could think to say. And after getting out of the hospital, I dropped the football jersey off in the Gordons’ mailbox, just wanting to be rid of anything that reminded me of that night.”
Something wet falls on my chest, and when Nathan’s thumb wipes away the tears spilling out of my eyes, I realize the floodgates have opened.
“I should have told you sooner. I was just so ashamed. For so long, I blamed myself. I told myself that if I hadn’t worn a dress like that or hadn’t been drinking so much, none of it would have happened.” Each word comes out muffled through the sobs, but I know he understands me. “And I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want this to affect anyone else. My parents are best friends with Mr. and Mrs. Gordon. I’m, or I mean, Iwasbest friends with Vanessa, and well, you’re best friends with Brian.” Turning away from him, I whisper, “I’m so sorry.”
“No. Don’t say sorry. There’s only one person to blame, and it’s not you. It doesn’t matter what you wore or how much you had to drink. He fucking sexually assaulted you, Natalie. And that asshole will regret the day he laid a hand on you. I swear if I—” But he stops himself, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “I will never let anyone hurt you again, Natalie. Never.” He smooths out my hair and brings the blanket over my shoulder when he feels my body shaking.
Wrapped up in his strong arms, I feel the safest I have ever felt. “I was lucky that Brian never … well, he never got a chance to do what he wanted to do to me, but it still left me feeling scarred, as if he had. For the longest time, I would have these horrible nightmares, always about Brian. They were so bad that Jason would hear me screaming in my sleep, and he'd run into my bedroom and wake me up to make them stop. When I left for school, I thought they would somehow disappear or stay here in Greenwich, but they came with me to Boston. They didn’t stop until I was with you. Every night you stayed with me, they were gone,” I say softly.
His head leans down, and he brushes his lips lightly against mine. I close my eyes, feeling at peace. Then, pulling away from Nathan’s lips, I take my biggest breath in a year. And damn, it feels incredible.
Nathan watches me carefully. “I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me any of this, but I hope you now know that you can always come to me about anything.” I nod, knowing he’s right. I should have told him so long ago. “And also, I’m so sorry for what I said at Tim’s house in front of everyone. Fuck, I really can’t believe I said that.” He shakes his head and looks away, shame plastered all over his face.
“Nathan,” I press my palm to his cheek, “you thought Brian and I hooked up and lied to you about it. You were angry and jealous. Yeah, it wasn’t so great to have a house full of people hear about my virginity.” I shrug my shoulders. “But none of what happened tonight would have even occurred if I had just talked to you in the first place.”
“Still, it wasn’t ok, and I’m sorry.” His eyes lock with mine, pleading for forgiveness.
“I think you saving me from Brian tonight made up for it.”
He wraps his arms tighter around me before asking, “How does it feel not to have to hold onto this secret alone anymore?”
“It feels … overwhelming but in a good way. It’s like this past year I was alive, but I wasn’t living. Not really. So often it felt impossible to breathe, like I was being pushed underwater anddrowning, unable to come up for air, with no one nearby to save me. But I feel ready to breathe again. I feel ready to live again.”
And damn, do I feel ready.
Telling Nathan everything has felt like a boulder has been lifted off my chest. But there is still one more person I need to talk to. “I’d like to talk to Jason about all of this. He should know what caused me to have all those nightmares he had to save me from. I’m just nervous to tell him.”
Nathan’s fingers brush delicately against my arm before finding my exposed thigh, where he traces tiny circles with his thumb. “I’m sure it won’t be an easy conversation, but I see how he looks at you, and I can promise you he’s going to feel exactly the same way I do right now. He’ll appreciate you telling him, and then he’ll probably want to kill Brian with his bare hands for what he tried to do to you because he loves you.”
“You’re right. He’s my brother. I shouldn’t be scared to—” But then, something occurs to me. Something that I completely overlooked and should have asked Nathan about the moment we got home. “Nathan, how did you know I was wearing Brian’s football jersey?”
Thirty-Two
