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“I can’t lose you, Nathan!” Her whole body is shivering, tears are spilling out, and her hands holding the shirt against me are shaking faster than a leaf on a windy New England day.
She’sdrowning.
“Hey, look at me.” She tilts her head up, hardly making eye contact with me. “I’m not going anywhere. Do you understand me?” But as a chill washes over me, I’m not sure I believe my own words.
She purses her lips, barely nodding in acknowledgment. But I can tell she is elsewhere in her head, already envisioning the worst-case scenario as her chest rises up and down at an alarming rate.
“I need you to breathe, baby. Can you do that for me?” I ask, trying to hide the pain in my voice. Fuck, this is becoming unbearable.
She closes her eyes and inhales through her nose before exhaling a long shaky breath through her mouth.
“One more time.” Losing so much blood is causing me to feel lightheaded, but I’m fighting with everything inside me to appear ok.
She does it again without question, and I watch as her chest steadies, slowly rising up and down. My free hand, now beginning to tremble, reaches out for her cheek, which she eagerly leans into.
“I will never let you drown, Natalie.”
And I’ve never meant anything more in my life.
She may have spent the past year struggling to get out of the current’s grasp over her, but she would never again have to fear that someone wasn’t nearby to save her. Because even though she is quite capable of saving herself, I willalwayssave her. Whether from herself or others,I will save her.
Epilogue
NATALIE
December 22nd
PARIS IS ALWAYS A good idea.
“Is it everything you dreamed it would be?” Nathan asks as he comes up behind me, wrapping his solid arms around my waist and holding me securely against his chest.
The two of us are standing on the balcony of our hotel room, which features an unbelievable view of the Eiffel Tower as it gleams and twinkles in the night sky. We spent the first five days in Paris exploring the city and, at night, exploring each other.
During the day, we played the part of the perfect tourists. Taking a bus tour to view the city monuments, spending hours in the Louvre, and riding the elevator to the top of the Eiffel Tower, where we took our first photo together overlooking the city below us. We’ve also had our fair share of French cuisine. Nathan even tried escargot, which I politely declined.
We ventured off to Versailles, where Nathan drove us around the gardens in a golf cart, which I found pretty enjoyable, even bundled up in multiple layers. And last night, we treated ourselves to dinner and a show at the Moulin Rouge, where poor Nathan spent most of the night with my hand covering his eyes.
My fingers intertwine with Nathan’s over my stomach, loving the feeling of being wrapped up in his embrace. “This has truly been a dream come true. And the fact that I got to experience all of this with you and because of you, well, I don’t have the words to thank you.”
I feel him smile as his chin rests on my shoulder. “I think you’ve thanked me plenty without even using words.” My cheeks heat up, and I look over my shoulder at the hotel room behind us, knowing that we have definitely put all my smutty romance novels to shame. His lips press a soft kiss on the side of my neck. “Let’s never leave.”
“Don’t tempt me.” We’re leaving in less than two days, arriving home in time for Christmas Eve dinner at my family’s house with Nathan’s mom and brother joining us. And as much as I’m looking forward to spending the holidays with both of our families, I’m already beginning to feel sad about leaving this beautiful city.
After Nathan was released from the hospital, Paris was the last thing on my mind. In fact, even Brian had left my mind because my only priority was Nathan.
He spent the first week living with his mom and brother back at their house, giving them all time together to heal from the pain and loss. No matter how you look at it, good versus evil, it was still a loss, even if it’s a loss that I know Nathan finds more liberation in than grief.
When Nathan felt strong enough to return to Boston, he stayed with me, where I was glued to his side, only leaving when I needed to attend classes.
Thankfully, all of his teachers were very understanding of his situation and allowed him to finish the rest of his semester virtually, which I know was a relief to him.
And once Nathan was back on his feet, I knew what I had to do next. I needed to breathe again, and I could only do this by taking back my life — the life I had stopped living.
I started slowly, not wanting to overwhelm myself. Vanessa and I made plans to see each other, and when we did, it felt like no time had even passed between us. I discovered an indoor tennis club near school and began playing matches as if I had never put down my racquet. I made time to go home and attend Jason’s football games, cheering the loudest in the stands for my amazingly talented brother. And when I finally felt ready, I did something I should have done a long time ago.
I booked my first therapy session.
And therapy helped me find healing with something I loved to do: write.
