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“Nathan!”
“Stay where you are! I’m coming!” he yells.
In less than two minutes, he runs around one of the corners, out of breath, and spots me. He scoops me into his arms, holding me securely against his chest. “Natalie, what happened?” he demands. “Are you ok?” There’s worry in his eyes as he looks me over, so I timidly nod my head up and down. “I tried calling your phone, and you didn’t answer. So, I went into the store, and the woman told me she saw you head in this direction. Why?”
I can’t find the courage inside of me to say anything.
“Natalie?”
“I g-got lost. I’m sorry. Can you …” My voice is so soft that I can barely hear it myself. It doesn’t help that I’m also staring at his chest, too afraid to look up into his eyes.
“Can I what, Natalie?” He is mad and frustrated — that is obvious — but at least his voice has returned to its normal comforting tone.
“Can you please take me home?”
He hesitates before saying, “Why won’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
I look up and find him shaking his head in frustration. “Nothing, forget it.” He releases me from his arms, and once my feet land firmly on the ground, he kisses my forehead and gently grabs my hand. “Let’s go.”
The car ride back to my house is completely silent.
Painfully silent.
I know what I need to do, but just thinking about it makes me anxious. There is no way I can be a part of Nathan’s life while Brian is a part of his. I look out the window, trying to muster up any courage I have left inside me because I’m going to need it in order to say goodbye.
Nathan’s car pulls into my driveway, and he is the first one to break the prolonged silence between us.
“So, I can come back here around seven tonight to pick you up and head back to school,” he says, making no direct eye contact with me. Instead, he continues looking straight ahead over the steering wheel.
“Nathan, th-this isn’t going to work.” I place my hands in my lap, trying to keep my composure.
“I can get you at eight then, if that’s better?”
“No, I mean this.” I point at the two of us. “You and me. It can’t happen.”
“What? I don’t understand.” He turns toward me, and I can tell he is thinking over what he is about to say as he takes a deep breath. “I know something is going on, Natalie, and instead of talking to me, you … you keep trying to push me away,” he says dejectedly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I try to keep myself calm, but I can hear my voice shaking, and I know Nathan can too.
“I’m not dumb, Natalie. I’m just having a hard time piecing everything together.” He grips his fingers tightly around the faded leather steering wheel. He’s focused, like he is trying to piece everything together precisely at this very moment. “You may have succeeded in pushing everyone else away, including Vanessa, but you sure as hell will not succeed in pushing me away.”
His words have just cracked open the flood gates.
I feel one tear slide down my cheek and onto my chest before I have a moment to stop it. “Nathan, I …” I look down at my lap in a panic. As much as I want to tell him everything, I can’t. Everyone close to me will be affected by this, and I don’t want that. Not when this is my burden and my burden to bear alone.
“Talk to me, Natalie, please.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. A second tear slides down my other cheek, but just as I reach up to wipe it away, Nathan’s thumb slides softly across my cheek. He frames my head in his hands, but I keep my eyes firmly closed because I can’t find the strength to look at him.
“Please look at me, baby,” he says softly.
I do as he says, and the second our eyes meet, my heart crumbles into tiny pieces.
He stares at me intently as if he is trying to read my mind, and boy, how I wish he could.
And then he asks me something. Something I have been hoping would never come up between us.
