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Or is it?
I can’t.
Yes, you can.
It will do more harm than good.
You don’t know that for sure.
ENOUGH!
Anyway, to try and keep my mind off Nathan, which turned out to be impossible, I stayed busy with my studies and managed to get ahead in most of my classes. The days were passing by, and I had hoped to hear from Nathan by now, putting that whole conversation behind us, but every time I checked my phone and saw no missed texts or calls, I felt a little worse inside. Like someone was slowly twisting my heart around and around just to see how much pain I could endure before eventually breaking it.
And I honestly wasn’t sure how much more pain I would be able to handle.
Besides, I highly doubted Nathan was as heartbroken as I was feeling, if he was even heartbroken at all. Because let’s face it, he’s a twenty-year-old, very attractive and very experienced college guy, which unfortunately means he has probably already moved on to the next best thing.
That thought brings tears to my already sobbing eyes.
Nathan and I had just started to get to know each other, and I blew it. I said such hurtful words to him, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to talk to me anymore. I was so mad at myself for not being honest with him, letting this secret hold me back from living my life. It was continually eating away at me, and Nathan had been right; I had been trying to push him away because of it.
Not to mention, I had a full-blown panic attack in the middle of a corn maze in front of him, so if my hurtful words didn’t push him away, I’m sure the sight of me at my lowest probably did the trick.
If he ever finds out about my anxiety and how bad it can get, he’ll probably realize I’m not worth it.
I can feel my chest tighten at this thought.
Deep breaths, Natalie.
But maybe I could find some way to make things right between us. I just didn’t know how.
Would he ever forgive me for what I said to him?
Well, I guess I will find out eventually because it’s finally Friday, which means I’ll have class with Nathan in just a few hours. My stomach coils into a hundred tiny knots just thinking about this.
I grab the first sweatshirt I find in my closet to pair with some skinny jeans, throwing them on in a hurry, but even just a glimpse of myself in the mirror catches me off guard. I barely recognize the girl staring back at me. She looks exhausted.Lifeless. There is nothing special about this girl. Nothing that would grab Nathan’s attention and make him want her.
I put concealer on to try and hide the bags under my eyes and add a sheer coat of lip gloss.
“This is as good as it is going to get,” I say out loud, looking uncomfortably in the mirror.
I get to class early and am the first one there. My nerves are eating away at me as I drum my fingers on my desk and bounce my knee up and down. I look out the window next to me to try and calm down, but it’s no use. Students begin entering the classroom, which only causes my heartbeat to accelerate.
I begin some deep breathing exercises I had practiced so many times recently while envisioning myself alone in the one place I have always wanted to visit, Paris. It’s nighttime, and I’m standing directly in front of the Eiffel Tower. It sparkles beautifully, becoming a magnificent and overwhelming piece of artwork in the middle of the city. I take the elevator to the top and am alone when I step outside. I admire the view and run my hand over the solid metal that has been standing strong for over a century. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to slow down, and my knee stops shaking, but then I hear his voice.
“Hey, Natalie,” Nathan says quietly.
I’m quickly brought back to reality, back to film class, and turn to him.Thatface.Thoseeyes. My stomach clenches.
There are a hundred things I want to say to him.
I want to beg him to forgive me for saying those horrible words I never meant. I want to cry in his arms and tell him anything and everything he wants to know. But instead, all I can manage is, “Hey.”
I try to put on a smile, but I know it looks out of place on my disheveled face. I can tell from his expression that heseesme. And I mean really sees me. He’s looking at me so attentively, like he has just noticed me for the first time. My throat tightens as I feel my eyes mist over. Immediately, I look down at my textbook, hoping he didn’t see the tears ready to escape.
Thankfully, the professor starts his usual classroom announcement, and I am relieved when the lights go out and the movie begins to play. Ironically, the film choice for today isThe Notebook.
How appropriate, I think as I roll my eyes.
