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I shake my head in anger at the court system. How could they let a man, no, a monster like this, walk away free, knowing what he did? Knowing what he was capable of doing again?
“Last spring, Brian threw a party at our off-campus house in New Hampshire. I was there and was drinking like a sailor, living off the high from a big win my baseball team had that day. But it was about midnight when my brother, Nick, called me, deflating my good mood. He told me that when he got home from school, our father was there shit-faced. He was destroying things and screaming at Nick to tell him where our mom was, who was at work, thankfully. Nick called the police, who came and took him away. I don’t even know how he found us, but he did.”
A wave of anger boils inside me just thinking about it.
“I was so angry that, without thinking, I jumped in my car to drive home, pushing the gas as far as it could go. However, it wasn’t long before I was pulled over.”
I take one of my hands out of Natalie’s to rub my forehead where a slight headache has formed.
“As you probably guessed, I was slapped with a DUI. The judge let me off pretty easy, though, after hearing about the circumstances surrounding the incident, with just a community service sentence and a loss of my license for a little while.”
The next part I am dreading to say out loud. I glance over at Natalie, who is looking at me encouragingly.
“The school I was attending in New Hampshire got wind of what happened. They didn’t need someone like me attending their school or representing their baseball team, so I was expelled. The only people who know about me being expelled, besides my family, is Brian and, well, now you.”
I’m too embarrassed to look at Natalie, so I stare at the grass.
“That’s why I came here. Since I lost my athletic scholarship, I knew I would have to work if I wanted to continue attending school. Long story short, my boss in Greenwich pulled some strings and got me a job at the Yacht club here, and I knew Linrey University was close by, so it made the most sense. And after talking with the baseball coach, there’s a good chance I might be able to play in the spring as long as I keep my grades up and train hard during the off-season.” I wait to see if Natalie will say anything, but she lets me continue. “However,” I take a deep breath, “my father was recently let out.”
I hear her inhale sharply.
“Last weekend, the real reason why I went home is because he left a note on our front door that said, ‘I’m back.’ That’s it. No signature was needed for me to know who it was from. Nick took the note down before our mom found it, and then we spent Saturday looking all over town for him, but we didn’t have any luck. And then yesterday, Nick called me. He had been home alone, sleeping, when he heard loud crashes coming from downstairs. So he went into the hallway to see what the noise was, and that’s when he saw him smashing framed family photos and throwing empty beer bottles at the wall. Thankfully, my mom was out of town on business, so Nick locked himself in his room and called me. He didn’t call the police because he knew I wanted to deal with him myself. I wanted to do the things to him that he had done to my mother over and over again. I wanted to do to him what he had done to me so many years ago.”
“When I finally got to the house, I found him passed out on the couch.” Rage consumed me the minute I saw him, but I don’t want Natalie to know this. “So fists were exchanged, and he managed to get a few swings in, too, as you can see from my black eye.” I try to offer a little smile, but it’s no use.
“Well, soon after, Nick called the police, and the instant my father heard the sirens approach our house, he bolted.”
My hands cover my face as shame washes over me.
“I should have just had Nick call the police as soon as he saw him. But I was stupid and let my pride get the best of me. My mom and brother are now staying at a family member’s house until the police find my dad, but it tears me apart not being home with them. Not being able to keep them safe.”
A sniffle escapes before I can do anything about it, and Natalie’s hand lands gently on me. She starts rubbing my back up and down, the kind of touch I’ve needed all week. She looks at me with pure compassion in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Nathan,” she says. “I had no idea you were dealing with all of this. I just … I’m so sorry.” Tears glide down her cheeks, shattering my heart.
“Don’t cry. It’s ok. Come here.” I easily lift her, so she sits sideways on my lap, and her head rests comfortably against my chest while my arms wrap tightly around her body.
“Nathan, that thing I said to you the other day … I didn’t mean it. Not a single word. And I don’t know why I said it. Well, actually, I do know why I said it, but it was horrible of me, and I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am.” The tears are now pouring down her cheeks, and her eyes are begging me to forgive her.
“Natalie, I know. It’s ok.” I feel her trembling in my arms, so I hold her closer to me and rub the top of her arm to keep her warm. Damn, I wish I had worn a jacket so I could wrap it around her. “When I had said, ‘you deserve better than me,’ I meant it because of this. This shitty situation that I can’t seem to escape. I didn’t want you to know any of this because I was so ashamed. Ashamed of how I’ve handled everything. Ashamed of who my father is. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to tell anyone.”
“So, why did you tell me?” she asks quietly.
“Because I realized if I want you to be part of my life, I have to be honest with you and let you know what’s been going on so that you can make your own choice about what you want.”
“You want me to be a part of your life?”
“Of course, I do, beautiful.” I look down at her. “But what I really want is for you to be with someone who makes you happy. Do I … make you happy?”
Nerves fill every square inch of me as I wait for her response.
Her eyes meet mine. “Yes, you do. You have no idea how happy you make me.”
I pull her tighter against my chest and find the center of her forehead with my lips.
We sit molded together, taking in everything that’s been said. It’s like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and it’s a surreal feeling, to say the least. This secret isn’t just mine anymore. It’s ours, and I know I can trust her with it.
“Thank you for telling me everything.” She nuzzles up against my chest. “I know that wasn’t easy to say. But Nathan, I hope you know I’m not going anywhere. You are who I want. And if we are being honest tonight, you are who I have wanted for a very long time. A very, very long time,” she confesses.
