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Jason slid his hand to the side and gently touched Alejandro’s with the side of his pinky finger. Just a quick touch and then he pulled back. “Ok, if that’s really how you feel then we will focus on moving on. I’ll be honest, I miss both of ya’ll. Our friendship was important to me.”
“I know,” I said. “But for all our sakes we probably should keep our distance when we’re not at work.
“Agreed. And once I claim the contract for next season I do not have to pretend to be your friend anymore.” said Alejandro, standing abruptly. “Now, if you will excuse me.”
Jason and I watched him hurry out of the room. I turned back to Jason as he gave an audible sigh. “Yeah, ok,” he knocked his knuckles against the table in resignation and left. I remained seated, my mind awash in sadness and also the knowledge that maybe this really had been more than any of us had been brave enough to admit.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Iarrived in Hungaryon a Wednesday, my mind still turning over the last conversation I had with Alejandro and Jason. It was clear we all still had strong feelings for one another, Alejandro’s reference to heartbreak implying there might be even more. But it was also clear that there was no way we could go back to what was. Both men had careers on the line, obligations, and that most important of driver baggage – egos. What we’d had was fun, but that’s all it could ever be. And I would be moving on after this season. Who knew if I’d ever see them again. I would just need to enjoy the time I had left.
The following days progressed smoothly. After our conversation, it seemed both men had come to the same conclusions as me. Plus talk was swirling that Mr. Hansen was going to be announcing who got a contract extension for next season very soon, which meant everyone needed to be on their best behavior. Our media day went so smoothly you could almost believe nothing had happened. It was only after we left the cameras behind that the change was evident. The laughing, inside jokes, and comfortable conversation was gone.
Qualifying went well, and I woke up on race day hopeful for a good result. Alejandro had gotten through to the second session and was starting in a fairly good position. It was the final race before the summer break, a month off from racing during which each team had to take a mandatory holiday. Most drivers went to visit family, and even the engineers and factory crew took a well deserved vacation as no one was to touch the car for two weeks. Yes there were still people working at the office, but for the most part we all enjoyed a bit of a break. We just had to get through Hungary.
I woke up the morning of the race feeling a sad sort of hope. Now that I had announced my departure, the time I had to spend with our team was counting down. Beyond my recent romantic entanglements this team was like my family. Yes, in the toxic work culture way, but also in the travel the world together and spend all our time together way. Which, now that I thought about it, was pretty much the toxic meaning of the phrase. But regardless, I was going to miss this team, and was determined to enjoy the last few months with them before I moved on.
I finished getting ready and then looked at myself in the mirror, smoothing my collar and adjusting my earrings. It was in these quiet moments that I most missed having the men in the room with me. The quiet intensity as we all got ready to do our jobs. It was an intimacy that went beyond the physical and brought me closer to thoughts of love than I should be. Well, those days were gone anyway. I took a breath and headed out, making it onto the elevator just before the doors closed. “Ground floor, please” I said to the other person on the elevator.
“Kat . . .” My eyes snapped up from my phone at the soft murmur of my name. It was Jason. Before we could say anything else the elevator stopped and more people entered. But in those few moments we locked eyes it was like an entire conversation passed between us. The longing and sadness in his eyes.We can find a way to make this workhe had insisted, but Alejandro and I had told him no. It broke my heart to push him away, but there was no way we could be together without Alejandro and not feed the rumors. And we could never make it work logistically with the three of us. It was just a passing dalliance. That’s all it could be.
By the time we reached the ground floor more team members had joined us and we slipped into the flow of excitement and preparation. Everyone was excited for the chance to prove themselves once again on the grid and show that Smith Racing was still a team to be watched. If only we had known.
The leadup to the race went well. Everyone did their job and our tentative confidence was returning.
And then the worst happened.
