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Ben swallows, and I can hear it, the clicking of his throat. “I know but… I don’t want this to end. Does that make me selfish?”
I stare at him and feel my chest start to crack right down the middle. He looks so fucking fragile in this moment, so fucking tired. Well, at least we have that in common.
“Come on. I’m not discussing this shit in the driveway.”
I lead him up the steps and open the door for him, gesturing for him to go inside. He does, and I follow him, locking the door behind us.
Ben stops near the back of the couch and fiddles with a loose thread coming up from the fabric. I should buy a new one, but I never really got around to it. This place is just a temporary rental. It’s not reallyhome.
I haven’t had a home in a long-ass time.
The place that feels more like a home to me is Ford’s house. I helped him remodel his place, helped him paint and put up cabinets, helped him lay down flooring and set up the shed outside. His place feels just as much mine as it is his. He asked me to move in with him after my breakup with Claire, but I turned him down. Now, I’m wondering what I was thinking. If I was with him, I wouldn’t be this fucking lonely.
“Want something to drink?” I ask, and Ben shakes his head before nodding.
“Sure, a water would be great.”
I nod, moving past him to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water and a beer for me.
Ben uncaps it and takes a small swig.
“Um,” he begins and then shifts nervously on his feet. “Like I was saying, I’d like to continue this with you… I like you, Cash.”
My heart thunders in my chest. “That so?” I ask as I flick the cap off my beer and take a long drink. What I really want to do is crash my lips to his and suck on his tongue, but who else has he been kissing? Oh god, what if he’s letting that other man kiss him, but not me?
It bothers me more than it should.
“Yeah, that’s so.”
Our eyes clash, and I feel my cock twitch in my pants. But now’s not the time. I’m surprised he even showed up here. When he left work, I was real fucking worried. About him and about me.
“How many guys you seeing?” I ask and then gulp down some more beer, trying to wash away the bile gathering in my throat.
Ben’s eyes turn away, and he won’t look at me when he says, “Just one.”
My eyes narrow, and I clench my beer bottle hard.
“I see.”
Ben’s eyes slash to mine as he fiddles with the label on the water bottle. “If it’s too much—I understand if you can’t keep going.”
“Never said that, did I?” I bite out and then chug the rest of my beer and set it roughly on the counter. I shouldn’t be mad at him, but my mind is all twisty right now. I don’t even know if I’m gay and yet, I’m obsessed with this guy.
My best friend’s kid.
I was there before he was even born, and I held him when he was a baby. And yet, here I am.
I’m all sorts of fucked up, aren’t I? The only thing that makes me feel better is that I never had these feelings for him until that night a few weeks ago.
And now I can’t get him out of my head.
“How set are you on this other guy?” I ask, and Ben’s cheeks flush.
“I’m not giving him up.”
I nod and then run a hand through my hair. “That’s your right. But I need time to think on if this is right for me. I don’t share.”
Ben nods and then he takes a step forward before stopping himself.
