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My head bobbed and my jaw worked for a while. “We were going after Zachary—Michael’s older brother. He and a few other guys had kidnapped and almost killed Einstein—tortured her. All because one of their wives had run away and sought out Kieran, Conor, Jess, and Einstein—” Unease burst from me as I was once again slammed with the reminder Jess was fucking gone.
“Uh, they have a private investigative business. But they also help relocate people...like witness protection. Probably better though because they have Einstein.” I would know. “Zachary used his wife as bait to trap the rest of us, but it backfired, considering we ended up helping her and her daughter escape him. Sutton and Alexis,” I explained meaningfully.
Willow’s expression shifted into disbelief as all the mixed-up pieces of the puzzle continued falling into place for her. “But they...oh my God. Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “But we were going after Zachary and the rest of his generation of the Tennessee Gentlemen—their gang. You would’ve never known Michael was part of it. None of their women were allowed to know anything,” I added gently, my stare falling to the bed again as I struggled to continue.
Because, other than losing Willow, that night was my greatest failure.
It was why I’d been so damn afraid to let Willow in.
“I go in first,” I reminded her. “I let my family know when there’s hidden danger. I’m the one who detects things. But the night we made our move against Zachary...I was distracted.” I swallowed thickly, trying to clear the shame and embarrassment from my voice, but it was still evident when I continued. “I’d always been so against settling down, but we’d just met Sutton and Lex that morning, and for whatever reason, that little badass burrowed into my heart and shook me.”
A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth but was quick to fall. “After a day of taking care of Lex and having her as my little shadow, I remember thinking, ‘I could do this. I could let myself fall in love with someone and have kids,’ and I wanted it for the first time in my life. I craved it.”
That night flashed before me as if it were happening right then and not a few years before. “That’s what I was thinking about when we went in...a family. My surprise at wanting one and my regret at the time I’d missed out on potentially having one. And because I was so distracted by that, I didn’t notice the ambush waiting for us.”
“Diggs,” Willow whispered when I didn’t go on. “That wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t have been because of that day.”
“It was,” I assured her as my stare shifted back to her beautiful, heartbroken expression. “There were a handful of them, and they’d been smoking. I should’ve easily noticed them, and I didn’t. Maverick was shot in the arm. I took three in my right side and got a back full of shrapnel. Conor had to rig a transfusion in a hotel room just to save me.”
“Oh God,” she said on a strained wheeze. “Evan...”
“And then I met you,” I mumbled meaningfully, the corner of my mouth lifting in a sad smile. “The biggest distraction of my life. And it fucking terrified me.”
Willow nodded, a heavy exhale leaving her at finally understanding.
“I didn’t want to want you the way I did, and I hated that I couldn’t stay away from you,” I admitted. “I was terrified because I’d fallen so damn hard for you, and the hours you weren’t by my side were agonizing, but I didn’t want you anywhere near my world. Then bodies started turning up with clear messages for us...”
I studied her for a moment as I sifted through my frenzied, rattled thoughts and decisions during that time. “And between my need for you and worries of what could happen—my fear that I’d get distracted again and get someone killed—I ended up getting in my own way and sabotaging my job and us anyway. Then Lachlan set his sights on you, and I fucking panicked because he wouldn’t have if it weren’t for me. And instead of pulling you closer, I did everything to get you as far from me as possible.”
“You think that’ll just stop?” she asked doubtfully, sadness pulling at each word. “A few days is enough for your worries to disappear?”
“Having you taken from me is enough,” I countered unquestionably. “Tree, I don’t know how to live without you.”
“You tried,” she reminded me, voice wavering with emotion. “You said—”
“I know what I said,” I ground out on a plea as I stood from the chair, my stare narrowing on the dog when she popped up in warning. With a deep exhale, I focused on Willow again and said, “I know what I did. I would’ve done anything to protect you from this.” I gestured to the room we were in. Not that this room or mansion had meant anything since the rockstars moved in, but it had at one point.
And the people inside it then...they still represented a danger and life I’d never intended on introducing anyone to.
“But I—fuck, I’m drowning when you’re not there. I look for pieces of you in every part of my life. You’re so deep in my veins, I couldn’t remove you even if I wanted to,” I confessed as I stepped closer to the bed and was met with a deep growl.
Lifting my hands placatingly, I pointed at Chaos and started for the bedroom door. “The dog has to go. At least for now.”
A hushed laugh left Willow, but she just gave a gentle push against the giant beast.
“Out,” I said once I was at the door and holding it open, but the dog didn’t move until Willow repeated the same thing, as if she hadn’t been taking orders from me before Willow woke.
“She’ll go find Lex or someone,” I informed Willow as I slowly started back to where she was now fully sitting up, legs crossed and hands resting in her lap.
“Now you know...my scars are a reminder of my failure. They’re a reminder that loving someone, loving you, is dangerous for so many people.” I rested my palms on the bed, studying her glassy eyes. “But if you choose to stay in this life, if you handle me, I will battle that fear until my scars are nothing more than scars. I will prove I’m worth all that trust you’ve always freely given. I will make sure you know the only place I want you is by my side. I will love you with every fucked-up part of me, and I will gladly give my life to protect yours.”
A tear slipped down Willow’s cheek, and then another, but she casually brushed them away as she studied me. “And if I told you I wanted you but not this life?”
Fuck.
I leaned back but kept my grip on the bed, my stare unfocusing for the brief moments it took me to realize my answer.
