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I cried out when he roughly pushed into me, sending me over that edge, my orgasm rocking through me with surprising force. And as he drove into me harder and faster, prolonging the bliss stretching through my body, it was all I could do to hold onto him.
The muscles in his back and shoulders strained beneath my fingertips as he savagely fucked me up against the wall, and I wondered how anything could be better than this. This blatant need. This primal reaction each time we came together, as if we’d finally been unleashed and were taking years’ worth of suppressed longing out on one another. This feeling like it would never be enough because it was him.
A growl built in his chest as he bit down on my shoulder, his thrusts losing all sense of rhythm before he stilled, his entire body trembling as he came.
Real. Here. Utterly perfect.
“Christ, Maci,” he breathed as he pulled out and gently eased me to my feet. But just as I started responding, he said, “Condom.”
I blinked, slow to comprehend what he was saying or the panic in his voice when I was still in a daze from my welcome home.
Just as a questioning hum sounded in my throat, he said, “Condom, Maci. Fucking condom—I wasn’t wearing one.”
“Okay...”
“No.” The word came out harsh and immediate and snapped me out of the afterglow I’d been basking in. “I’ve never not worn one.”
“Okay. Connor, it’s fine.”
His head shook as he backed away from me. “Maci, I’m so damn sorry.”
“It’s all right—”
“It isn’t. I even had them in my jeans,” he said over me. “I don’t—fuck. I don’t do this,” he ground out, gesturing between us as if I needed that stab to my chest. The distance he put between us and every rattled word were doing a good enough job of destroying me and shattering the moment. “I’m sorry.”
Pushing him away, I bent to grab my clothes and only took a few steps away before he grabbed my arm to stop me. “I swear to God, Connor, if you apologize one more goddamn time, I will punch you in the face.”
“Maci, I just don’t—”
“You don’t do this,” I snapped, throwing his words back at him. “I get it. I’ve never done it without a condom either, but I’ve also never had this.” I nodded at him before ripping my arm from his grasp. “I told you it’s fine because I’m on the pill...and looking at your face, that doesn’t mean shit to you.”
With a dejected huff, I turned and stalked to my bathroom to start the shower. My movements jerky and agitated as I yanked my bra off and put my hair in a high bun before stepping under the hot stream of water.
Within seconds, Connor was pushing back the curtain and stepping in behind me.
“You have your own shower next door,” I reminded him bitterly, but he just turned me. Curling one of his hands around the back of my head to bring me in for a kiss that was just as desperate as the ones we’d shared in my hall.
I pushed against his slick chest, but he only moved enough for me to say, “No, you don’t get to pull that shit, then come in here and act like you didn’t just completely fuck everything up.”
“I’m sorry,” he began as he lifted my face to search my eyes. “I’m sorry for reacting like that. It just scared the hell out of me when I realized I wasn’t wearing one, but I also couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that, for the first time, putting a condom on hadn’t been my main thought.”
“What does your inability to understand that you hadn’t been solely focused on wearing a condom have to do with us,” I seethed. “Because, as you reminded me, you don’t do this.”
Confusion briefly flared in his eyes before understanding and regret drowned out everything else. “I meant fucking without condoms, Maci. Not anything that has to do with us.”
“You gestured between us.”
“I—” He looked to the side as if struggling to remember. “I was panicking over what I’d just noticed—clearly. But anything else...Maci, I told you that you aren’t like other girls. It’s different with you.” He pressed a hand to his chest and admitted, “And, yeah, part of me is terrified by that. But not doing this? Maci, I’m already so deep in this.”
A shuddering breath left me at the confession that rooted me in place, but those doubts and insecurities were quick to rise.
It wasn’t that he’d freaked out over not wearing a condom—that was understandable. If it’d been anyone other than him, I would’ve done the same. And that was the problem...it hadn’t been anyone else.
It’d been him. It’d been me. And he’d still looked at me with outright horror when I’d told him I was on the pill. He’d still panicked and repeatedly told me he doesn’t do this, grouping me in with every other woman he’d fucked and contradicting the beautiful declaration he’d just given me.
But I couldn’t hold that against him. I’d known from our first kiss that I had much more to lose in this because it’d been Connor for me for longer than he would ever realize. I just needed to guard my heart and enjoy the moments I had with him.
“Maci, please say something.”
