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“Ash…” Nua said eventually, voice sorrowful. “This doesn’t mean that you will turn into her.”
“Doesn’t it?” I sniffed and wiped my nose. “I can feel it, Nua. It’s already happening.”
“Yes, but now we know why.” Gillie held up the journal, face grim as he looked at me. “The Brid was already terrible, Ash. Becoming queen didn’t make her that way, and it’s painfully obvious that she didn’t let the former queen’s kind nature make her any less terrible. She got worse. Not better.”
“I know,” I said tearfully. “That’s what I’m saying.”
“No, Ash.” Gillie shook his head. He stepped forward and held out the journal, pointing to a line. “She wrote, ‘I can feel it trying to change me. I won’t let it.’ And she clearly didn’t.”
“Gillie is right,” Nua said quickly. “She didn’t let it change her. She was already terrible, and she remained terrible. Which means it will only make you like her if you let it, Ash.”
“But I’ve been trying to be better,” I choked out. “I’ve been trying and it’s not working.”
Neither of them seemed to have an answer for that, which made me start crying. I’d never felt so helpless, which was a horrifying realisation to have considering everything else that had happened to me. Part of me couldn’t really believe that after everything, this was the thing that broke me.
“It—It feels like I’m cursed or something. Like no matter what I do, everything I touch just… rots.” I shuddered, remembering some of Lonan’s last words to me. “It’s like I’m rotting.”
I’d made him feel that way. And I was making everything in the forest rot too. It was like those first few months after becoming full fae, when I’d been obsessed with getting revenge on the Carlin, had shaped me into this new version of myself. An angry and destructive version.
That was what scared me the most. That was what was making me want to give up. I wouldn’t be able to stop the Brid’s influence from changing me, because there wasn’t really much to change.
I was a bad person. I’d done so many bad things. I’d made that horrible vow to Lonan that had caused him so much pain. I’d killed all those unseelie guards just to win points against the Carlin. I’d killed that poor broon just because the Brid had told me to. I’d ignored Lonan’s suffering until he was forced to flee from me.
I was a terrible, terrible person. Just like her.
I took a deep, unsteady breath and scrubbed my face again, wiping my wet eyes. My skin felt hot and clammy. My hair was unwashed and greasy. I couldn’t really remember the last time I’d had a bath. I stank of sweat and wine, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
“I want to spend the day with you both,” I told Nua and Gillie, my voice wobbling. “Then I think you should go back to your sidhe in the forest. Thank you for everything. For all your help.”
“Ash.” Gillie’s voice was hard. Almost angry. “We’re not just going to leave you. Especially not now.”
In a rush, the terrible thing inside me responded to it. Fed off it. My hands clenched into fists. Taking a slow breath, I turned to continue walking through the forest, trying to cool the sharp spike in my temper.
“Ash,” he snapped again. “Stop it. You’re talking like this is all inevitable.”
“Well it is, isn’t it?” I exploded, whirling round. “That’s all you keep fucking telling me. That everything’s already decided. That the Higher Spirits planned this all out.”
“Not in this way,” Nua said desperately. “If the Brid didn’t let becoming queen change her, you don’t have to either. Ash, you have to… you have to keep fighting whatever it’s trying to do to you.”
“It’s not fucking working,” I shouted. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be better. I’ve tried to ignore it. Nothing’s worked, Nua. I’m done. I’m just done. I’m so tired. I can’t do it anymore.”
Lonan was what I’d been fighting for. A life with Lonan. And he was gone. So what was left?
Nua and Gillie had each other. They didn’t need me in their lives.
Lonan was gone. My dad was gone. Mags was gone. My entire old life was gone. I’d spent so much time trying to cling to what I had left, trying to make it work, and it all kept slipping through my fingers anyway. At least this way, if I made Nua and Gillie leave myself, it wouldn’t hurt so much when they were inevitably gone too.
“Please,” I said tightly. “I’m asking you to leave. I’m trying to do the right thing. I don’t w-want you to be here and see me… turn into a monster.”
“But don’t you see, Ash?” Nua said desperately. “You’re still trying to do what you think is right—what you think is best for us. You’re not like her.”
I shook my head and turned to keep walking, too tired to argue anymore. What I saw just up ahead, between the trees, made me stop dead. My anger spiked and I couldn’t stop it.
“Don’t fucking touch me again,” I snarled.
Mol’s big brown eyes blinked at me. Scowling, I turned and strode in another direction, gritting my teeth when I heard the clop of hooves.
“Oh dear,” I heard Nua murmur as he and Gillie followed me.
