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I didn’t really see how it was such a privilege. I was just a person. I wore clothes the same as anyone else. I ate and drank the same as anyone else. I didn’t need special versions of those things. I told Nua as much, and he’d gently said that actually, I did.
Frankly, it was all overwhelming. Terrifying. I chastised myself now when I thought back to those first few weeks after I’d killed the Brid. It hadn’t sunk in fully at the time, but I’d already been cocky. Confident I could handle it all.
I didn’t think I could handle any of it.
When the royal treasurer droned on about tithes and the royal coffers and staff wages and the costs of constant palace repairs, I sat there sweating, not understanding half of it. When the head of the guards politely asked for a meeting to discuss our strategy of defence to protect seelie borders, I panicked about making the wrong decisions that would put everyone here at risk. When the chief spy returned from the forest with a list of updates about the unseelie guards’ movements—where they tended to lurk, who they’d been spotted speaking to—I grew distracted, wondering what the Carlin was planning and fixating on how I could keep Lonan safe.
I was so overwhelmed, so scared that I was making all the wrong decisions, that most nights I barely had the energy to speak to Lonan over dinner. I forced myself to, forced myself to smile and laugh and ask him what he’d been up to, but my brain was always swirling with everything I’d learned that day, second-guessing every decision I’d made, worrying that all I was doing was making mistakes.
I didn’t want Lonan to think I wasn’t capable, so I didn’t say anything to him. And if this was what being a king meant, I was even more reluctant for us to go and take his crown from the Carlin. I already barely got to spend any time with him. If he were in the same position, all the way on the other side of the forest, we’d never see each other. We’d never have the time.
At least while he was here, I got to sleep next to him every night. At least I had those few quiet hours each evening, when we were alone in our room together, to decompress, to try to forget the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. At least while he was here, not a king, I had him all to myself.
I didn’t know exactly what Lonan got up to every day while I was busy, but I thought he mainly stayed in the training ring. I’d promised I would teach him archery, but I hadn’t been able to yet. With each day that passed, I felt more and more guilty that I was neglecting him. He never complained, and he’d always been quiet, but I could sense that something was… off.
To try and combat it, to try and chase away the bleakness in his eyes, I showered him with love and affection and attention in the precious few hours I got with him each day. I clung to him, whether we were in the bath or sitting by the unlit fire or lying in bed. I was too mentally exhausted to hold long conversations most of the time, so I tried to show him how much I loved him in other ways. By wrapping myself around him and clinging on tight as we slept. By kissing my way down his chest and stomach to suck him off slowly. By tugging him on top of me as we got into bed so he could fuck me before I fell asleep.
I knew sex wasn’t a cure-all. I knew it wasn’t enough on its own to keep our relationship strong. I knew it didn’t automatically fix things. But at the same time, a weak part of me hoped that maybe it would. Maybe it would be enough. Because it was all I had the mental energy to offer him at the moment, and I was becoming more and more bitter about that fact every day.
It made my mood grow blacker and blacker the longer I had to sit and listen to petty squabbles and make ridiculous decisions that didn’t even seem important to me, like which business I used to supply the palace’s fruit and vegetables, or which colour thread I’d like on my outfit for the changing of the seasons, which was months away but already being worked on.
I’d always had a short temper. A hot temper. But now, I could barely stop myself from snapping at the Folk who came to me with their problems and questions. I could barely keep myself still as I slumped in my throne, fidgeting restlessly, wishing I was anywhere else.
Nua noticed, and he constantly asked if I was alright. Now, the question was starting to irritate me every time he asked it, and I’d had to stop myself from snapping at him as well. It made me feel even guiltier, because the only good thing about all of this was getting to spend time with him. I just wished that time could have been like before—back at his and Gillie’s sidhe in the forest, where we would cook meals together and sit talking about nothing and playing the silly card games Gillie loved so much. Without this monumental pressure on my back, weighing me down. Sometimes, I thought I could feel the oath I’d made to the seelie Folk at my coronation—the one between my shoulder blades—burning and itching. Like it was reminding me that it was there. Not letting me forget my responsibilities.
I was only twenty-two. Only just twenty-two. This all felt like too much for someone so young, especially as I was surrounded by Folk who were far, far older than me. Even most of the palace staff had been here for decades—Jora was forty-six, for fuck’s sake, despite looking younger than I did.
I just needed a break. A day to spend time with Lonan, to do something fun, but I worried about it making me look weak. I’d been king for weeks. The Brid had been queen for centuries.
But after another few days of it—of getting to see Lonan for only a few hours a day, of a constant line of Folk coming to give me information or complain about issues or ask me to make decisions—the pressure got too much. When Nua and I were eating a quick lunch in the rose garden one afternoon, I decided to bring it up.
“Do you think I could…” I kept my eyes on my flatbread, picking at the cured meat and oil-slick sundried tomatoes on top. “Do you think I could have a day off soon?”
My face immediately heated, the question sounding childish and lazy. But Nua cocked his head, blinking at me in surprise.
“Of course you can, Ash. You can have as many days off as you want.”
I shook my head. “No, I can’t. But I just… I feel like I just need a day to do something else. Something with Lonan. I’m… I’m worried about him.”
Nua didn’t say anything at first, bending his head as he plucked a tomato from his flatbread and popped it into his mouth. After a pause, he cleared his throat. “Lonan does seem… more reserved than normal.”
“He seems unhappy,” I heard myself croak before I could stop the words.
Nua set down his lunch and placed a gentle hand on my arm. “Have you talked to him about it? Asked him?”
Feeling ashamed, I shook my head. I didn’t ask Lonan, because I didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Have you thought about the future, Ash?” Nua asked gently. “About… where Lonan will stay? Because I really don’t think it’s good for him to be here—”
“He’s going to be king,” I blurted, then immediately looked around to make sure no one was near. It felt like dangerous information.
“Wh-what?” Shock coloured Nua’s voice. “Unseelie king?”
“Yes.”
“How… how do you know that?”
“Ogma told him.”
