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“Gods,” Nua breathed, sitting back and staring at a bush of fat peach roses opposite us. A bumblebee hovered nearby, weaving lazily between the blooms. Its drone reminded me of my past life—of sitting in the garden in the summer with Dad and Mags, drinking Mags’ freshly made iced tea, listening to a distant neighbour’s lawnmower, talking about nothing in particular.
Suddenly, I was hit with a wave of grief so intense I almost doubled over.
I want my dad. My chin trembled, so I looked down before Nua could see it. I want him to tell me everything will be okay. I want him to help me. I can’t do this on my own.
“So… Lonan will leave one day,” Nua said. “When the Carlin dies.”
I flinched, staring vacantly down at the dusty stone ground beneath my boots. Yes, Lonan was going to leave one day.
“He’s going to kill her,” I said, my voice surprisingly calm. “We’re going to kill her. To keep him safe.”
Nua let out a shuddering breath. “Ash—”
“But not yet. We’re not ready. We’ve agreed to wait.”
“Wait for how long? How would you even do it? Have you found a way?”
“He has her name. But that doesn’t mean he’s ready,” I rushed out. “He’s still adjusting to his leg. He’s… he’s been through so much. He just needs some time first.”
Nua nodded. “Did he tell you that?”
I flushed. “I mean… not really. But he did agree to wait. It’s not like he’s desperate to become king or anything.”
“Alright.” Nua sounded unsure. “I think it’s probably best if no one knows this, Ash. If word got out that the future unseelie king is living on seelie land…”
I stiffened, jerking my head up sharply to stare at him. “Have you heard anyone conspiring against Lonan? Talking about hurting him?”
“No, no.” Nua shook his head. “But he is still the Carlin’s former assassin. I’m sorry, Ash, but he is… not well-liked among any of the Folk. It wasn’t just unseelie who he killed for her. It was solitary fae too. Seelie Folk who were in the forest. The Carlin kept Lonan very, very busy.”
“She controlled him,” I seethed. “How can anyone blame him for what she forced him to do?”
“Those were only rumours,” Nua reminded me. “Never confirmed. People don’t know for certain that her sons don’t have their full names, and to admit it would be seen as a weakness. Like she is incapable of controlling them otherwise.”
“I know, but… it’s not fair.” I gestured absently at the rose garden wall, beyond which, far in the distance, sat the forest edge. “I’ve killed so many people too. Mostly unseelie guards, but some seelie. And that broon. And… and the Brid.”
“The Brid’s death was not seen as a crime among the seelie,” Nua said grimly. “It was seen as a mercy. You are their saviour.”
I squirmed with discomfort. “It was still… it was still murder.”
I didn’t let myself think the word often, because it broke me out in a cold sweat. But it was the truth. I’d murdered people. I was a murderer.
Sometimes I didn’t recognise myself anymore.
“The Folk don’t think the same way as mortals, Ash.” Nua gave me a sad smile. “You killed the ruler who had tormented and killed them for years. To them, it was justice. An eye for an eye. Trust me, none of the seelie think badly of you for it.”
“What about you?” I croaked, my throat dry. “What do you think of me for doing it? For killing her? Our… our mother.”
“Ash…” Nua reached over and squeezed my hand. “I don’t think badly of you. How could I? You did it to keep me safe. And Gillie and Lonan. You did it for the right reasons, not to seize power.”
Exhaling heavily, I sat forward and scrubbed my face. “The mortal in me wants to argue that there are never right reasons for murder. That it makes me no better than her.”
“You are better than her.” Nua gripped my shoulder. “Ash, you are better than her, but you have to… you have to make sure you stay that way. Power can corrupt.”
My head snapped up, a brief flash of anger flaring. “You think I’m corrupt?”
“No, no, I don’t.” Nua shook his head, eyeing me warily. “I’m just saying that people in your position… When you are surrounded by Folk fawning over you, agreeing with everything you say, deferring to your every whim, it is easy to succumb.”
Suddenly, all I could see were Gadleg’s monstrous snake eyes peering down at me, her hissing voice offering the bargain in exchange for her venom. I had to go back in seven years for her to judge me, to judge my actions. Fear made my stomach cramp.
