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“What’s wrong?” Lonan asked sharply when I sniffed, blinking rapidly to try and keep the tears at bay. For some strange, baffling reason, I suddenly wanted to weep. “Ash?”
“I’m f-f—” I let go of his hand to scrub my eyes, embarrassed. “Just… I’m—” I couldn’t even say I was fine to attempt to move past it, my throat burning as I tried. “Sorry.”
“Tell me.” Lonan was suddenly right in front of me, cool fingers cupping my cheeks, his black eyes pinched with worry as he stared into mine.
“No, r-really, I’m—” I swiped under my nose and blinked hard, then let out a watery laugh. “I’m not completely sure why that happened. Sorry.”
“What do you mean, you’re not sure?” Lonan’s dark brows drew together as he stared at me. “You started crying and you don’t know why?”
“I mean…” I was even more embarrassed now, my face hot as I shifted under his intense gaze. “What you said was sweet, but… it was probably just that,” I said quickly. “And I’m tired. I’m sure that’s all it is.”
After a fraught pause, Lonan’s hands slid off my face as he sat back on his heels. “Did you not sleep well? I didn’t notice you waking up.”
Did that mean he hadn’t slept well? “I guess I slept okay,” I said carefully, because I didn’t want to reveal anything else.
I’d been plagued by constant nightmares, one after another, never relenting. My feet frozen to the ground as the Carlin encased the entire seelie town in thick frost and impaled all the Folk with deadly shards of ice. The Brid’s rotting body pushing out of the earth and chasing my brother through the palace to put his head on a spike.
Lonan being dragged into the forest by blurry, vague creatures with bright blue eyes and wide white smiles that gleamed between the trees. Every time I’d tried to follow, I’d been violently flung back, just like when the Carlin had tied me to her land.
Everything in the Woods of Orna dying as I stood there watching, alone in still silence, even once there was nothing left but a sea of rotting wood and Fir Bolg’s crumbling skull in the dead centre, the First God’s rusted sword still pinning it to the earth.
Chapter Seventeen
Lonan
The moment we got back to the seelie palace in the late afternoon, Brahm reappeared and anxiously asked if Ash had a moment to go over a few issues that had arisen in his absence.
I watched the tension creep back onto Ash’s face in an instant, only then realising how much softer he’d looked all day. More like his old self. Now, a furrow appeared between his brows. Lines of tension bracketed his mouth, his lips pressed tight together. He aged more than a decade in mere seconds.
“Surely it can wait,” I said tersely, stepping closer to thread my fingers through Ash’s. “King Ash is allowed time to himself.”
Brahm looked even more nervous, shifting from foot to foot, his eyes darting between us. Ash shook his head and squeezed my hand.
“It’s okay. Hopefully it won’t take long.” He leaned over to kiss me. “See you at dinner?”
I said nothing, because I already knew that I wouldn’t. But that wasn’t Ash’s fault, so I wasn’t going to try and make him feel bad for it. This was his life now. This was the life that was waiting for me too.
After watching him stride across the front hall to his throne room, I turned to make my way to our quarters alone. I was disappointed, yes, but I’d learned a very, very long time ago that letting myself wallow in my disappointment was useless. Weary acceptance was more fitting. More productive. This was the way of things, and I couldn’t change it.
“How about some sword practice?”
The familiar hushed voice in my ear made my mouth twitch. I’d grown far more relaxed when I’d noticed that Sanya was one of the guards accompanying us on our day out of the palace. We had trained together several more times over the last few weeks, and I found that I was starting to enjoy her company. I found myself actually wanting to talk to her, but I usually refrained aside from comments about her form and skill with a sword.
I didn’t consider us friends. I wasn’t sure I knew how to act around a friend, because I’d never had one before. But her presence made me feel less alone. It chased away some of the helpless monotony of each day.
I glanced back to see her following me, keeping a pace behind out of respect. “Maybe once the sun’s down fully.”
“It was particularly warm today, even for us seelie.” She paused. “Did you have a nice day?”
What a strange question. Why did she care?
“Yes,” I said cautiously.
“Good. You looked happier.” She lifted the wicker basket in her hand. “Better take this to the kitchen. Come and find me later if you want to train.”
I watched her walk off, wondering why she was so adamant about training with me. Maybe she was just using me to become a better swordfighter. I was better than any of the guards here. I was the best teacher she’d ever get to have.
She’d said before that she’d like to be my friend, but I didn’t believe that. Humiliatingly though, I found I didn’t overly care. If she was only using me… well. At least those hours we spent together in the training ring made me feel less alone.
