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“I suppose, but…” My eyes grew a little hot. “Will you be able to adapt, do you think? As… as the wolf, I mean. And the cat…”
“I’m sure I will.” His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“How come…” I licked my lips, for some reason feeling nervous. “What made you decide to try shifting for the first time in the night? Or this morning. Whenever you…”
When he didn’t answer at first, I swallowed and gently squeezed his hand, adding, “I would’ve stayed with you, if you’d… I hate the thought of you being out there alone.”
“Ash.” Lonan’s dark eyes finally met mine. “Why didn’t you tell me about the forest?”
I blinked in shock, mouth opening and closing wordlessly. “What… what do you—”
“Your power creeping into Orna.” His gaze grew sorrowful. “Reaching for unseelie.”
I flinched back, branch fingers closing tightly around the hem of my shirt. “I’m sorry,” I croaked. “I only found out the night before last. I was going to tell you—of course I was. I just…”
He sighed, gazing down into his cup. “I saw Balor again.”
My fingers clenched around my shirt so tightly I heard the fabric rip. Rage, hot and throbbing and so sudden, made my voice shake. “Where? Did he hurt you?”
“No. He couldn’t touch me.”
Some of the fury bled away, allowing me to exhale. “Okay.”
“He still wants me to help him kill Mother. Of course I’m not going to help him, but…” Lonan looked at me again, uncertain. “I don’t think we can wait any longer to do it ourselves, Ash.”
Panic sent my pulse hammering in my throat. “But we’re not ready. We haven’t even talked about—”
“So let’s talk about it now.” Lonan sounded calm, steady, like he’d already made up his mind. Like he was ready to go and kill the Carlin and take his crown.
But I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for him to go.
Please don’t go, the tiny, scared voice in my head begged.
“I just need to think of the exact right order to give her after saying her true name,” Lonan was saying, but I could barely hear him, my blood pounding in my ears, “so that she can’t do anything in retaliation—”
“Lonan.” I licked my dry lips and reached for his hand, my heart thudding too hard. “We have to plan this so carefully. We have to be so, so careful. There are so many things that could go wrong—”
“What did you do to prepare for killing the Brid?”
I froze, my face flaming with heat. “Well, I—Nothing, but…”
But I’d been prepared to die that night. And I was not, in any shape or form, prepared to risk the same of Lonan.
“Ash.” Lonan kissed my knuckles, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “It needs to be soon. What’s happening to the forest…”
“I’m not doing it on purpose,” I blurted, my voice rough. “I swear, Lonan.”
“I know.” He kissed my hand again. “But… perhaps it’s a sign. From the Higher Spirits. Maybe… maybe you weakened the Carlin when you shot her with that arrow coated in Gadleg’s venom.”
I clenched my jaw, trying to push down the sudden swell of frustration at the mention of the meddling Higher Spirits.
“Maybe,” I said tightly. “But it doesn’t mean we should rush into anything.”
I wanted to look away when Lonan gazed at me in silence.
“Why are we waiting though, Ash?” he asked softly.
Because I don’t want you to deal with what I’m dealing with. I’m scared of never getting to see you. I’m scared of losing you.
