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“Because—” I cut myself off, swallowing thickly. Cinching my fingers tighter through Lonan’s, I took a breath. “Because the thought of you getting hurt again, in any way, is…” I pursed my lips, gripping his hand. “I can keep you safe now. Away from all of them. I just… wanted to give you time. I wanted us to have time to just be together.”
“I see.” Lonan kissed my knuckles again, then was quiet for a minute as he gazed down at our joined hands. “I think… I think we’ve had those things now, Ash.”
My mouth trembled. What did that mean? Did that mean he wanted to leave? “But—”
“It’s time for the Carlin to go.” He lifted his gaze to mine. “Yes?”
I opened my mouth to disagree, but couldn’t get the word out.
Instead, I asked, my voice trembling, “Do you want to leave?”
When he tensed up, his fingers stiffening against mine, something broke inside me. His dark eyes were tight as we stared at each other in silence for a long, fraught moment. Outside, the sun shone brightly, birds chirped, insects buzzed, the comforting soundtrack to summer played like it had truly been orchestrated. Deeper in the palace, I could faintly hear staff calling out to each other, doors slamming, feet pounding over stone and wood. So much warmth and life.
But this room suddenly felt cold. Dark. I’d slept in lots of places over the last year or so, but this had finally begun to be the one that felt the safest to me. No Brid, no Carlin, no guards or bloodthirsty princes potentially lurking right outside. And I’d had Lonan here with me every morning and night. I’d woken up each day knowing that he would be right there—safe and warm and, most importantly, there.
I’d spent months with no memories of him, and I’d still woken up each morning reaching for someone in my sleep, my chest aching for something I didn’t have a name for, my body yearning for a person I hadn’t known existed.
I couldn’t decide which was worse. Reaching for a nameless, faceless person who wasn’t there, or knowing exactly who I was missing when I woke up alone.
Lonan licked his lips, looking down at our joined hands. “I don’t want to leave you,” he eventually said.
All that made me do was pick through his words, figuring out all the loopholes in that short statement. It wasn’t a promise not to leave. It wasn’t a declaration that he didn’t want to leave seelie, or even that he wouldn’t try to.
He didn’t want to leave me, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t.
My mouth trembled. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave me.
“But I can’t stay here anymore, Ash,” Lonan finished.
Grief threatened to choke me, made me clench his fingers tighter as if that would stop him from ever leaving. The part of me that felt familiar—comforting, like my old self—agreed with him. It knew this was the sensible thing to do. It knew it was what needed to happen. It saw that Lonan had been retreating further and further into himself, lost, without a purpose, feeling out of sorts in the wrong place, and it wanted to make him feel better. It wanted to do what was best for him. It wanted him to be happy.
But the other half of me, the half that didn’t feel like me at all, simply wanted what it wanted, which was for Lonan to stay with me. To be here because I wanted it. That half of me rebelled furiously against the idea of Lonan leaving to become unseelie king. And that half was the side that had been getting stronger.
It was getting harder and harder to keep my emotions in check. Everything flared too hot, too sharp, taking over, making me feel like I had no control.
I kept wondering how long it would last. How long until the power I’d sapped from the Brid would feel natural, like it was a part of me and not a separate creature lurking under my skin? Would I ever be able to get control of it, or was a part of me still too mortal to fully handle what I was now?
Not just fae, but a fae king. I could feel the power in my body. In my veins. So much of it, still largely untapped. Wanting to take over. Greedy and hungry and eager to exert itself to its fullest ability. To prove what I could now do. How strong I could be.
That side of me was winning, and it scared me.
Chapter Twenty
Ash
He wants to leave. Don’t let him leave. Don’t let him.
An uncontrollable storm of emotions was rising up in me as I stared at Lonan in silence, my throat bobbing.
“Maybe there’s something I can do about the forest,” I blurted. “Maybe I can… push my powers back. Or something.”
I could already hear how hollow the words sounded. I didn’t even know how I was infecting the forest with my power—I certainly wasn’t doing it on purpose. I doubted I’d be able consciously reverse the effect.
“I’ll go into the forest with Nua and see what’s happening,” I told Lonan. “I’m sure I can… We just can’t rush into anything, Lonan. Please.”
Fear spiked when I saw irritation flicker in his dark gaze.
“I don’t think we are rushing,” he said. “We have waited this long already. It’s time.”
