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My heart started to pound in sheer panic. “We have to make an actual plan first.”
“Then let’s make a plan.”
“I—But we—Please.” I wasn’t making any sense, my breathing too fast and shallow as I frantically tried to think of a reason to delay this conversation. To delay all of this.
I just wanted to pretend none of it was happening. That there wasn’t a room full of advisers waiting for me downstairs because I was already late for my scheduled meetings for the day. That the forest wasn’t dying, and there wasn’t a crowd of angry solitary Folk gathering at the edge of seelie land, baying for my blood because I was somehow destroying their home. That there wasn’t an entire town of lives depending on me to keep them safe and fed and in good health. That there weren’t a thousand decisions for me to make, some of which felt contrived and stupid and pointless, but were still there. They weren’t going away. None of it was going away.
If I didn’t even have Lonan here with me, I didn’t know how I was going to cope with any of it.
“We—” I swallowed. “I thought we’d agreed to wait—”
“I’m done waiting, Ash,” Lonan barked. He tore his hand from mine and climbed off the bed, shoving his hair back irritably.
My pulse leapt at the outburst, and my legs shook as I slowly stood. “Lonan—”
“I can’t stay here anymore.” He rounded on me, his black eyes hard and cold with frustration, with anger. “I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t fucking stand it, Ash. It’s too much.” He shuddered, mouth twisting. “It’s like I’m rotting. Stagnating.”
I jerked back in shock, which almost sent me toppling onto the bed until I shuffled away from it, eyeing him in horror. Rotting?
My eyes darted down to his bare throat. Was this why he hadn’t worn the acorn necklace in weeks? Had he spent this entire time wishing he was anywhere but with me?
“Wh-why… why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the forest?” he shot back, the sharp edge in his voice making me flinch.
And then, in the face of his sudden cold anger, in the face of what he’d just said to me—that being here with me felt like he was rotting—it was like a part of me shut off so it wouldn’t have to feel the pain of those words. In its place, a storm of defiance and despair and rage rose inside me, so suddenly and sharply that for a second, I thought it was going to burst out from under my skin and become its own being. A thing made of nothing but fury.
My hands clenched into fists, my skin prickling with heat that made my face grow warm. “That’s not fair,” I gritted out. “I told you I only found out about that the other day.”
“You still kept it from me for that long.” There were two bright splotches of colour on Lonan’s cheeks, his face otherwise deathly pale.
I was suddenly reminded of my first few interactions with him, back when he was nothing more than the intimidating, aloof unseelie prince to me. Those sharp bites of cold anger he’d displayed towards me, the ones I met with my own hot temper.
“You hid it from me and instead tried to make me think everything was fine,” Lonan bit out. “Was that why you spent the day with me yesterday? To try and placate me? To keep me soft and obedient?”
“What the fuck?” I snarled, taking a step forward. “Keep you obedient? What the fuck are you talking about, Lonan? When have I ever wanted you to be obedient?”
“You want me to stay here as your consort and nothing more, don’t you?” he snarled. “Every time I tried to speak to you about the Carlin, you shut me down. To her, I was nothing but a tool. It feels like to you, I am nothing but a pet.”
If I hadn’t been so angry, that would have devastated me. Did he truly believe that? Did he honestly think I wanted him as a pet?
“That’s not fucking true,” I shouted, my face hot. “We’ve already had this discussion, Lonan. I’m not trying to make you my pet. I’m not trying to use you. I’m trying to keep you fucking safe.”
My blood was boiling. In that moment, it felt like I’d never been so angry in my entire life. It was clouding my vision. It was making me want to destroy things.
“You’re not leaving.” My voice cracked across the room, hard and biting. “You’re not leaving. It’s for your own good.”
I was too worked up to think clearly anymore. I was too furious, the anger already flooding through every inch of me but somehow still rising, still getting bigger and stronger, drowning out everything else.
“Listen to yourself,” Lonan shouted, but the flash of his anger only served to stoke my rage further, as if the hot, furious part of me was feeding off of it. “So I’m not your pet, I’m not a thing at your mercy, and yet you think you can tell me what to do?”
“I’m trying to protect you,” I roared.
“You’re trying to control me just like she did,” he yelled back, his black eyes almost unfocused with rage, like he was just as lost to it as I was. “But you can’t. I won’t let you. I’m not just a trained dog.”
“I’m not the one who called you that, Lonan,” I shouted in frustration.
“I have her name, not you.” Lonan didn’t even seem to be listening to me anymore. “I can kill her, not you. Just because you’re a king already doesn’t mean you can beat her.”
