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I swallowed once, twice, then parted my lips to voice the thing that had been terrifying me—the thing I’d been too scared to say out loud because it would give it shape, weight. Power.
“I think something’s wrong,” I whispered unsteadily, clutching my brother’s shirt as he led me through the forest. “I think there’s something wrong with me, Nua.”
“Yes.” His voice was tight. “I think so too, Ash.”
When we got back to the palace, Nua led me straight to my bedroom. I didn’t argue. I didn’t say anything. Now that I’d said it out loud, I was too overcome with terror. I needed Nua to tell me what to do. I needed Nua to fix it, because I didn’t know how, and it felt like there was a creature living under my skin and trying to take over me and I couldn’t get it out—
“Just try and rest, alright?” Nua helped me sit on the edge of the bed, which was rumpled from earlier.
Despite our terrible fight, all I wanted was for Lonan to be here. My heart was pounding frantically. My flesh-and-bone hand trembled as it scrunched up the hem of my shirt, dampening the fabric with sweat. The last time I’d felt this vulnerable had been when I’d woken strung up in the Carlin’s throne room, shivering from the frost.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me.” My vision grew blurry again, hot tears dripping down my cheeks. “I’ve been trying to just wait and see if it would settle, but it feels like there’s something else… living inside me, Nua.” I shuddered with horror.
“Oh, Ash.” Nua knelt in front of me, clasping my branch hand between both of his. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise sooner.”
“I don’t want it anymore,” I blubbered, feeling like a little child. “I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.”
Nua patted my hand as he straightened, gently trying to encourage me to lie down. “I’ll go and get Lonan for you, then Gillie and I will start looking into this…” He sounded distracted already, concern marring his brow. “A host rejecting the power maybe? Or perhaps…” He trailed off, rubbing anxiously at his cheek. “I’ll get Lonan,” he reiterated before turning to leave.
Fear made me curl up into a miserable ball on the bed. What if Lonan refused to come because he was angry at me? What if he didn’t care?
I stared at nothing, still feeling dazed, tears dripping down over my temple and soaking the pillow. I didn’t know how much time passed before Nua was bursting back into the room. He was still alone, and he looked troubled. Almost afraid.
He visibly tried to smooth out his expression before approaching the bed. His voice was cautious when he asked, “Are you feeling better? Calmer?”
“Why?” I asked, propping myself up with an arm and scrubbing my eyes. Then I tensed as the implication of Nua’s question truly registered. “Did… did Lonan not want to come?”
Nua swallowed. He looked back at the door, then faced me again, tension clear on his features. He appeared to brace himself. I realised why when he spoke.
“We can’t find him.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ash
“Ash, please.”
My vision was a blur as I strode through the palace, fully prepared to trample anyone or anything that got in my way.
“Ash, please.”
Nua’s voice was frantic as he hurried after me, but I ignored him.
“You must try and control your emotions,” he pleaded. “It won’t achieve anything to punish—”
I cut him off by slamming open a door and storming into the front hall, stopping dead when I saw the cluster of fidgeting guards by the main doors. Rage momentarily whited out my vision, my hands clenching into shaking fists.
“Who was watching him?” I shouted. Everyone fell silent as my voice cracked through the hall.
No one spoke. None of them would look at me. Some of the palace staff were frozen at the side of the room, faces drawn with fear.
“Who was watching him?” I shouted again, striding forward. The guards all stepped back as one. “You had one fucking job. I told you all to stop him. All you had to do was stop him from leaving.”
My whole body was hot, face on fire, my head pounding with rage. I was breathing too hard, my branch fingers twitching with the urge to grab my bow. I wanted to kill all of them. Every single one of them.
“Ash…”
Nua’s soft voice made me tense up, and when he placed a hand on my shoulder, I shook it off.
