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“The Higher fucking Spirits,” I spat with a sneer. “The Higher Spirits are still fae, which means I don’t trust a fucking word they say.”
Nua blinked, gazing at me with an unreadable expression. “You’re fae too, Ash. I’m fae. Does that mean you don’t trust me?”
“Of course I trust you,” I snapped. “That’s different. Ogma telling Lonan he’ll become unseelie king doesn’t mean anything. Not really. She could have been tricking him. Maybe he’ll kill the Carlin and become king, sure, but Balor is looking for a way to kill her too. He could find it. He could kill Lonan as soon as the Carlin is dead to get rid of both of them and become king himself. Lonan could be unseelie king for a day. An hour. A minute. Then Ogma wasn’t lying, but she wasn’t telling the truth either.”
“I suppose that’s a possibility,” Nua said slowly. “But whatever the Higher Spirits have planned, it still means Lonan must become king. For however long. And this won’t stop until that happens, Ash.”
“If the Higher Spirits want Lonan to be king so badly, why don’t they get rid of the Carlin themselves?” I snarled. “Surely any one of them could kill her easily.”
Nua shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way, Ash. The Higher Spirits don’t take fae life.”
Yes they do, because Gadleg might take mine.
Was I an exception? Was I going to do something so heinous in the next seven years, something the giant serpent probably already knew about, that it would warrant killing me?
How was it that I was a fucking king and yet in some ways, I felt even more powerless than I had while I was trapped in that cottage on unseelie land?
“This isn’t fucking fair,” I burst out. “What’s the point of doing anything if I have no control? What’s the point of holding open courts every week to try and make things better and making all these stupid decisions if the Higher Spirits just decide the outcome of everything anyway?”
Before Nua could answer, I rounded on him again. “Why did they make all of this happen if the end result is me and Lonan being separated anyway? I’m supposed to be the king and I’m still just a pawn. I’ve just been doing what they want me to, haven’t I? Becoming full fae. Getting rid of the Brid. Paving the way for Lonan to become king. Why? I don’t want any of this. I just want to be with Lonan, and now that I have the means to and I’m acting on it, I’m getting punished for it? How is that fucking fair?”
“Ash…” Nua took a breath. “I know sometimes life can feel unfair. Sometimes it can feel cruel and out of your control. Trust me, I know. And I know… I know this is a lot of responsibility for someone so young. But the Higher Spirits wouldn’t have orchestrated these events if they didn’t think you could handle—”
I cut him off with a harsh laugh. “That’s bollocks. Maybe they want me to fail. Maybe this is all just a game to them, like the games every other fucking fae likes to play. And even if it’s not, why the fuck do they get to orchestrate my life? My relationship with Lonan? Why can’t I decide what happens for once?”
“You can. The Higher Spirits don’t interfere in those kinds of ways, Ash.”
“Yes, they do,” I burst out, my eyes getting hot with frustrated tears. Too many emotions churned inside me, clouding my head. “Yes, they fucking do, Nua. Look at what they’re doing just because I’m not doing what they want me to.”
“It’s not that simple.” Nua was audibly trying to keep his voice calm. “They are not targeting you, Ash. But the reality is that you have a great amount of power, which means your actions affect more than if you were just a… an ordinary fae living a quiet life. What you do or don’t do has far-reaching consequences. I thought you wanted to make things better.”
Anger exploded, making me bare my teeth at Nua as they grew fae-sharp. “I am trying to make things better. Look at every-fucking-thing I’m doing to make things better for the seelie.”
“At the expense of everyone else?” Nua gestured around us. “All the solitary Folk? All the unseelie? Every creature that lives in the forest? You’re willing to kill all of them just for a bit more time with Lonan? Don’t you see how unreasonable that is?”
“It’s not fucking—” My throat burned, cutting off the words. “Why is it so unreasonable for me to want something for myself for once? After everything.”
“And what is it you want?”
“I want Lonan,” I shouted.
The forest went eerily silent around us for a second as Nua gazed at me, concern creeping into his eyes.
“You have him, Ash.” His voice was oddly careful, like he was trying to placate a dangerous animal. “You and Lonan are together. You love each other. No one can take that from either of you. Why are you so sure that you will lose him when he becomes king?”
“Because look at—” I choked on a sob, unaware that I had begun crying until Nua’s brows rose in alarm. “Look at what it means. I barely get to see him as it is. If he’s in the same position all the way on the other side of the forest, we’ll never see each other. We won’t get to be together. It will have all—” Sorrow closed my throat up. “It will have all been for nothing.”
Nua was still eyeing me with an odd expression, his brows drawn. “Ash… you must know that’s not true. Of course you will still be able to see each other. Who is going to tell you that you can’t? You will both be kings. You will be able to do what you want.”
Before I could stop it, hysterical laughter was tearing from my throat, to the point that I doubled over. I could feel the weight of Nua’s perplexed gaze on the side of my face.
“Oh, yeah, because it’s that simple, isn’t it?” I managed to get out. “You mean like how I can do anything I want right now?”
“Ash.” Nua slowly eased closer, a long-fingered hand reaching out and resting very gently on my shoulder. “Let’s go back to seelie.”
In an instant, the laughter died. My eyes refilled with hot tears, my chin wobbling as I tried to hold them back. All the strength left my limbs, and I sagged against Nua as he urged me forward.
“I’m trying to do what’s best,” I choked out, letting him lead me through the forest. “But I don’t—I can’t… I feel wrong. Everything feels wrong.”
