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My gaze settled on the drawer of his bedside table. He’d kept his acorn necklace in there when he stopped wearing it. If he hadn’t taken it with him…
My chin wobbled as I reached for the drawer, dreading what I might see, but I had to look. I had to know.
A hoarse sound escaped me when I saw that it was empty.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lonan
I had never been very good at controlling my impulses.
It seemed that way to others. It seemed like I was always in perfect control of myself. Of my actions. My emotions. Keeping all my movements careful and methodical. Speaking only when I had something of importance to say, otherwise choosing to remain silent.
But it was all a lie. I had always been too impulsive. It was something my mother had tried to beat out of me from a young age, hence how carefully I moved and how little I spoke and how closed off I kept myself now. It wasn’t because I had perfect control over myself. It was the opposite.
Very few wise decisions had led me to this point in my life. I’d been the curious boy who’d followed other Folk to that little house in the mortal world. I’d been the impulsive child who’d returned again and again and again because I’d been so utterly captivated by the boy I’d found there.
I’d been the lovesick fool who’d followed Ash around like a puppy as he went about his mortal life none the wiser, having no idea of my existence. And then I’d been the pathetic wretch who had wormed his way into Ash’s life when I’d had no right to, simply because I hadn’t had the willpower to stay away from him, and despite the myriad reasons why I should have.
But even after all the pain I had caused Ash, caused myself, caused most others around me, I didn’t see much point in regretting any of the impulsive decisions I had made in my life.
Except the last one.
I sat alone in the dark in the too-warm forest, my head drooping with exhaustion as I forced myself to stay awake in case anyone approached. A pair of tiny orange eyes had been trained on me from opposite the tree I was leaning against, but their owner hadn’t moved in the last few hours, simply watching me, so I tried to ignore them.
Perhaps if Sanya hadn’t found me in the training ring after that terrible fight with Ash, I wouldn’t have fled. Perhaps I would have taken my frustrations out on a wooden target before forcing all of my emotions down as I was conditioned to do, returning to our bedroom and pretending that none of those painful words had been said by either of us.
But the moment I’d seen Sanya, I’d known I wouldn’t. The moment she’d quietly asked me, “What would you like to do, Lonan?” I’d known I was going to leave then and there. I’d known there was no other option.
Part of me had been terrified that if I’d tried to speak to Ash again, he’d trap me there with the favour around his neck. So I’d left without giving him the chance.
Now, my stomach wouldn’t stop churning with a sickly feeling of dread, and the lump in my throat wouldn’t go away.
Gods, the things I’d said to him. I’d been horrible, so cruel, using my words to cut at him where I knew it would hurt the most.
“I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t fucking stand it.”
“It feels like to you, I am nothing but a pet.”
“You’re trying to control me just like she did.”
I cringed, scrubbing a weary hand over my face. I was deep in the forest, as far away from any form of civilisation as possible. It was so pitch black that I couldn’t see even a hint of my pale skin just inches from my nose.
Some part of me must have believed those awful things to a degree, at least when I’d said them. But I didn’t now. I didn’t think those things at all. I knew Ash wasn’t trying to make me his pet. I knew he would never try to control me like my mother did. I even knew, deep down, that he wouldn’t ever really use my favour to trap me there. He’d been mindless with anger, just like I had. We’d both said things we shouldn’t have. We’d both tried to hurt each other.
And then I’d fled like a coward.
A rustle sounded from the tree opposite me, and every muscle in my body went rigid as I sat perfectly still. The tiny orange eyes flickered, shifted slightly lower, then resumed their unwavering, unblinking surveillance.
I stared back, ignoring the tickle of a droplet of sweat meandering over my temple. At least the forest was marginally cooler than seelie had been, especially at night, but I was too tense and uncomfortable to enjoy the reprieve from that relentless seelie heat. I’d travelled as deep into the forest as I could before night fell, unsure whether Ash would come after me himself or send his guards out to search for me once he realised I was gone.
He hadn’t done either of those things, as far as I could tell. And he had to be aware that I was gone by now.
Perhaps he was glad. He’d been so determined for me to stay with him, but now that I was gone, perhaps he’d realised that I was nothing more than a blight on his new life.
I clamped my lips together when they started to tremble. I may not have hurt him physically like my mother had, but I’d hurt him in other ways. More calculated ways. I’d been exhausted from staying awake all night as the wolf, hyperalert and on edge as I hid in the rose garden, but I shouldn’t have started that argument with him. I should have approached it more softly—not that that had ever worked before.
But when Ash began, once again, trying to brush off the conversation, to delay it, to ignore it completely, something inside me had snapped. Then I’d said those awful things, and now here I was.
