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“You’re welcome,” he said. “Okay. Four shots of tequila coming up.” He left and we all started laughing and dancing around the room. It was going to be a good night. I would make sure that it was fun. I could always cry when I got back to my room later.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Beau
“Come on, Maisy. Let’s go.” I kicked the filly in the flanks to get her to gallop faster. The wind was cold on my face as we raced across one of the fields, but I didn’t care. I needed this time alone with nature. “Whoa, girl.” I brought the reins in, slowing her down as we made our way into a darker part. I didn’t want her to hurt herself, and I didn’t want for us to drift too close to one of the small tributaries.
Olivia had looked beautiful in her bedroom when they were getting ready to go out. I’d seen the look of surprise and hurt in her eyes as I said I couldn’t hang out with them later, but I didn’t have anything to say to her. All day, I’d been preoccupied with the news that my mother had given me. All I could think about was my dad and his surgery and what could possibly happen. The fact that I couldn’t share it with anyone made it worse.
I rode and rode until I got to one of the log cabins, where I tied up my horse and went inside. I looked around for a whiskey bottle that we kept up there and grabbed it, unscrewed the cap, and chugged directly from the bottle as I sat down on one of the Adirondack chairs. I should start a fire, I thought to myself. I heard something rustling in the corner—probably a rat. The place needed to be cleaned, but I’d worry about that later.
I took another chug of the whiskey. Thoughts of Olivia crossed my mind. She’d had some good ideas for the cabins, but I hadn’t been able to focus on them. I didn’t care about wallpaper or floor or paint colors, not at a time like this. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t as important as life and death.
I could feel the alcohol going to my head. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and that had been a mistake. I didn’t care. I chugged some more of the whiskey.
What was I going to do if my dad died? My brothers would be absolutely devastated that I hadn’t told them what I knew, but I couldn’t go back on my word to Mom. I knew she had gone against her word to Dad to tell me, and I had to honor her request. If my dad got back and thought that all of us knew, he’d be really upset. He wouldn’t blame my mom, but I knew he wouldn’t like it. He obviously wanted to shield us from the worry, from the pain and the concern, and I understood why, but I really wished he would be more open about what’s going on.
But I suppose that’s where I got it from. I was strong because of my dad. I emulated my dad, and he was one that kept everything to himself. He took the world on his shoulders. Maybe that hadn’t been the right thing for him to do. Maybe he should’ve let others in. I didn’t know. I didn’t care about anything right now. I couldn’t even think. I couldn’t concentrate on anything.
I wanted Olivia. I wanted to hold her close and kiss her, tell her about my dad and have her presence as comfort. I wanted to feel her warm body against me, holding me close. I wanted to cry in her arms. I wanted to tell her that just because a man was tall and strong and masculine, it didn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings and hurts and pains and worries and anxieties. But I couldn’t put all of that on her. I couldn’t put any of that on her. She didn’t deserve to carry the burdens of my life. She didn’t deserve the emotional turmoil that I was going through. I was the strong one, and I was meant to be the protector. Not the one that needed protecting. Not the one with the fragile heart. But my heart felt like it was going to break.
“Damn it, Dad, you have to be okay!” I shouted into the cabin. “You have to be okay!” I took another chug of the whiskey, long and deep. It filled my throat and burned in my stomach.
I jumped up off the chair and ran outside. “You have to be fucking okay, Dad!” I screamed into the night sky. An owl hooted from one of the trees behind me, and I started laughing.
Who was I? What was I? I was this close to falling apart, and yet I was supposed to run the ranch? I was meant to ensure that thousands of people were able to provide for their families, and yet I couldn’t even deal with the fact that my dad was going to the hospital with a heart issue. He hadn’t even died, but the anticipation, the apprehension, that was almost as bad as hearing the news that he had died.
And my mom, she would collapse. She’d break down if my dad was gone. She’d still be happy day to day, and she’d still make sure that everyone else was okay, but I knew her heart would be broken. He was her rock. He was the rock of the family; who was I to think I could take over that role? I was no one.
“God,” I shouted into the night sky, “you have always blessed me and been here for me. I’m asking you for one favor. Please let my dad be okay. Please let him get through this surgery. Please, God, I’m not asking anything else of you. Please.”
I started running then. I ran as fast as I could toward the creek. I wouldn’t stop until I got there.
Though my running was disjointed, and I was tired and slightly drunk, I made it to the water and I dived in, not even bothering to take off my shoes. The water was freezing on my skin, and my clothes clung to me. I got out of the creek and started laughing hysterically again. What a fine state I was in.
“Olivia,” I whispered, “have fun tonight, but not too much fun.” I wanted to rush back to the ranch and tell her that I wanted to dance with her. And I hated dancing, but I figured she was the sort of woman that liked dancing. All women like dancing.
I wanted to spin her around and around and around and then hold her from behind and bump and grind into her. I wanted to feel her hands all over my body as I kissed her.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She was captivating, bewitching, beguiling, beautiful. I thought about the previous night and the way she’d felt when I’d moved inside her. I needed to be inside her again, but it wouldn’t be tonight. I didn’t know when it would be. I had far too much on my mind, far too much to think about.
I’d have to call the architecture firm in the morning and start with the plans for the eco-retreat, then I would call the tractor dealership because we needed some new combine harvesters. And then I’d call the vet because we needed him to come in and check some of the cows. And then I’d call the bank to see if there was any update on the loan. I had a lot to think about. I had a lot to do. Fucking Olivia should be the last thing on my mind. She had to be the last thing on my mind.
I stumbled back toward the cabin. I needed to get home and take these clothes off. I hoped the women were gone already, because I couldn’t stand to see Olivia looking all sexy, going out to a bar where she’d inevitably flirt with men who weren’t me and who might not treat her with the respect and kindness she deserved. Would she flirt back? Would she giggle? Would she kiss them? My heart felt like stone as I thought about her kissing someone else. But she wasn’t mine. If she wanted to kiss them, she could. If I saw, I’d punch the guy she kissed, but it’s a good thing I wouldn’t see.
I hauled myself back onto my horse and rode back to the ranch. All of the lights were out, and I couldn’t hear any giggling. The women must have gone already. I headed to my room and took a quick shower before going to the study. I had to work on the books. I’d do that now, and then I’d go to bed.
I sat up. It was six o’clock in the morning, and I was still in the study at the desk. I must’ve fallen asleep here. I got up and stretched my limbs. Everything felt sore. I groaned and sat back down. I heard a nose in the corridor and walked out. Mom and dad were leaving with two small suitcases. I stared at them from my doorway without saying anything. It felt odd to not rush over to them and whisper goodbye and good luck, but a part of me was too scared it would be some sort of bad omen. I walked back into the office and rubbed my forehead, saying a quick prayer for my parents before looking at my calendar and starting some of my admin duties.
“I guess there’s no time like the present,” I said as I picked up the phone. I’d call the architecture firm now. The people we were using were based on the East Coast, so their office should be open. I was waiting for someone to pick up when Austin poked his head into the room.
“Hey, bro, you coming to breakfast?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. No one answered at the firm, and I hung up the phone. “I’ve got work to do.” I picked up the papers and showed him.
“Anything I can do to help?” He walked into the room and closed the door behind him.
“No,” I snapped.
