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I stumbled down the last of the steps feeling faintly nauseated, as thinking about James often made me. I sat down on the bottom step and peered out into the horizon as I let the setting sun warm my face. My eyes caught sight of the broad shoulder silhouette who was now staring at me. Backlit by the sun, it was difficult to make out his features, but I knew he was smiling at me. His arms moved to the center of his chest, and then lifted to his face. He was holding something, but it took me a second to realize it was a camera.
I heard one shutter, then two. Then, I flipped him off.
I could hear the thunder erupting from his mouth as he stumbled back a step and held his chest, as if I’d wounded him. I looked away to hide my smile, and no sooner did he begin to yell my name. Incessantly. I reluctantly got up and made my way towards him, if for no other reason than to shut him up. And maybe because I missed him too.
“I thought you were going surfing?”
“Waves are mush.” He shrugged. I nodded, pretending to know what that meant. He smiled because he knew that I didn’t. “Decided I’d try to get some pictures of the sunset.”
“Well, don’t stop on account of me. Get back to work.” I shooed him toward the landscape behind him. The gold was fading into orange as it dipped below the horizon. He gave methatgrin and stepped back a couple of paces before turning around. I watched him for a couple of minutes. He would tilt his head as if he was seeing something nobody else could see. Take a few steps in one direction or another, squat down, angle his camera, and move again. He seemed fluid, natural. In his element.
I watched the world change color across his face. His expression was determined, calculated. He studied the space around him, and I wanted to know so badly what he was seeing. He jogged backward a few paces and cut across the sand in front of me. He shuffled sideways, snapping pictures as he went, until he was knee deep in the tide. He seemed to be moving with urgency, as the sun was seemingly setting faster behind the earth. He moved deeper until the water reached his waist. He began splashing water in the area right before he took the photos. When a large enough wave came through, he’d bend at the crest of it, seeming to attempt catching the sun within it.
It was mesmerizing; the way he created art with nothing but the world around him.
Once the orb of the sun had finally peaked, he waded out of the water and placed the lens cap on his camera, letting it hang around his neck. He ran a wet hand through his hair, damping his curls. Without saying a word, he grabbed my hand and walked with me back to the steps that would lead up to the rental house.
“How was the conference? Did you blow them away?” he asked before adding, “You don’t need to answer that, actually. You blow everyone away.”
I hid my blush. “It went really well. I forgot how much I missed it.”
“Missed what?”
“The academic environment. Being a student.”
He glanced at me with a smile. “How do you feel about Pepperdine now?”
I thought for a moment before answering. We made it back to the stairs and he began to climb. I hesitated. The world wasn’t quite dark yet, the cotton candy clouds still accenting the fading sky. He must’ve understood me because he instead sat down on the bottom step, and I sat next to him. “I think UCLA is still my first choice, but Pepperdine doesn’t feel so much like a back-up school anymore. I think I’d be happy there.”
He squeezed my hand and we watched the world move from day into night in silence.
We heard cheers from a handful of people in the distance. Only their silhouettes were visible, but a way down the beach, someone was on one knee, while another stood in front of them squealing with joy.
We both sighed, and then pretended we didn’t hear each other.
“Did you ever think you’d marry him?”
“No.” I cackled as if it was the most ridiculous sentiment I’d ever heard. “I don’t really ever think about that at all, actually.” Marriage rarely ever crossed my mind. I mostly thought about it in moments it was right in front of me, like the proposal we just watched. I never thought about it with James. He didn’t want me to believe in marriage. He guided me away from any belief that something like that could work for someone like me.
His face twisted into something unreadable. “What? You don’t have a dream wedding? Something you’ve imagined since you were a kid?”
I chuckled. “Oh, of course I do.” I used to love looking through my parent’s wedding album when I was little. I used to imagine what kind of dress I’d wear or what color theme I’d go with. As I got older, I realized that my parents were the exception, not the rule. I wasn’t sure if I had what it took to be another exception, so I just stopped thinking about it entirely. Now, the thought of being paraded down an aisle and having to profess my love in front of people– it freaked me out. If it were to ever happen for me, I think I’d find myself as more of a civil ceremony type of person. “A wedding and a marriage are two very different things.”
“Why does marriage scare you?”
I snorted. “I didn’t say it scares me. I said I don’t think about it.”
He tilted his head as if he didn’t entirely believe me. “Okay, then. Why don’t you think about it?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I want to be a doctor. I want to travel. I want to study the Wonders of the World and find ancient civilizations that we don’t even know about yet. That’s my priority, and I don’t know if I have the focus for much else. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to put another person before my career goals… and, well, who would want to deal with that?”
He glanced down at his clasped hands thoughtfully. “So, you’re saying there are no archaeologists out there that are married? That have families? No way to do both?”
That stung. He couldn’t have known that it would and wouldn’t understand why. I did, in fact, know a married archaeologist that has a family.Hada family. Until he ruined it. UntilIruined it. “I’m not saying that. But I’ve seen the way this kind of career can destroy a relationship.”
“Sounds like it’s just about finding the right person. Someone who accepts everything you are. Everything you want to be. Who wants to see you succeed just as much as you want to yourself. Yoursoulmate, or whatever.” He grinned.
“Exactly. Shouldn't that be the prerequisite for marriage?”
