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* * *
We ran for an hour, and it helped clear my mind tremendously. I finally felt grounded again and like myself, but I wasn’t sure how long that would last after we talked. We ended up going to the café in the gym for smoothies, and Amelia barely let us get seated before she asked, “What the hell happened back at the office, Mecca?”
I scratched my head and shrugged. One minute I was turning to see who the researcher was and the next I was being slapped by the ghost of my past. Then, my hand was around her neck, and for a split second, I couldn’t control myself. That was a scary feeling. I didn’t think I would actually hurt her, but knowing I wasn’t entirely sure I could stop was the worst feeling of all. I was frozen as I stared into her wide eyes. I wasn’t trying to kill her; I just couldn’t believe she was actually there.
“Shalom,” was all that would come out.
“What?” she almost whispered, leaning forward into the table. “That was her? Dammit! I wish I would have seen her.”
I chuckled and scratched my ear, thinking about how beautiful she was. My head shook as I released those thoughts. Regardless of how beautiful she was, she was not to be trusted.
“I saw her in the parking lot before I came up,” Parker said. “She was hysterical. I went to her and comforted her, but I didn’t know who she was at the time. She was pretty messed up, man.”
Knowing that she was hurt didn’t make me feel better or worse. “It’s her fault we’re in this position, so I don’t care if she’s hurt or not,” I said, feeling like that was the stance I needed to have in this situation.
His head shook as he crossed his arms on top of the table. “I don’t know, Mecca. The way she was crying, Shalom is hurt. I think there’s more to it than what you think.”
“Do you plan on talking to her?” Amelia asked.
A bitter chuckle escaped me as my eyes watered, forcing me to stare at the table. “Nothing good would come from us talking and we can’t be in the same room. Besides, there’s nothing that needs to be said. She broke up with me and killed my baby, then changed her number so I couldn’t talk to her about it. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing for us to talk about ever again.”
Neither of them said anything, and I was grateful for that. I was tired of people trying to make me get over this or talk to her to work things out. Shalom and I were doing just fine until today. The quicker we forgot about this encounter and returned to our normal lives, the better.
“As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing for us to talk about ever again,” I said to Carina.
Parker had been checking on me through her, which I appreciated, and they both wanted me to talk to Mecca. We didn’t have anything to talk about. He’d made how he felt perfectly clear in that letter. It was his choice to break up with me after leading me on. It was his choice to leave Memphis when I needed him most. It was his choice to tell me to get an abortion or prepare for his lies and hate about us, about me. So no, I had no more words for him. He wasn’t even worth my hate.
“Look, I appreciate you guys checking on me and being concerned, but trust me, it’s for the best if Mecca and I never see each other or speak again.”
“Shalom.” The sadness in her tone made my eyes water and nostrils flare. “Even if you don’t work with him, what about if Parker and I have the future I think we’re going to have? What about our wedding and holidays? How are we going to work if our best friends despise each other?”
With a smile, I put the tops on the last of the meal prep containers. “No matter what happens between Mecca and I, it will never affect you and Parker. If I have to ignore him and act as if he doesn’t exist to keep the peace, I’m sure I’ll be able to do that now that the initial shock has worn off.” Grabbing my phone, I lifted it so she could see my face. “You both have to understand that we hadn’t seen each other in over a decade. It’s safe to say we both had a lot of unexpressed feelings. I don’t behave that way on a regular basis, and I’m sure I’ll be fine now.”
Her head shook, but she didn’t give me a hard time about it anymore. We talked for a few seconds longer before ending the call, then I packed up the meals I’d created to do my deliveries. Three days had passed since I’d seen Mecca, and I was grateful to feel like I was getting slightly back to normal. Today was my off day from work and the day I did my deliveries of food to my dad and a few other elders.
Family and community were very important to me. I loved talking to older women to get their life lessons and experiences on love and womanhood. After the way things had been going lately, I needed a talk filled with wisdom today more than ever. Once I had all the bags of food packed in my car, I changed into a two-piece linen set and headed out. It would be hours before I headed home, and I was actually looking forward to getting out of my home and out of my head for a while.
* * *
Sister Thomas made me feel worse. It wasn’t intentional. When I dropped off her food for the rest of the week, she could immediately sense that something was wrong with me. I told her a shortened version, that I saw a man who hurt me deeply and reacted badly. She told me my physical reaction was proof of unresolved issues and lingering love and urged me to close that door of my life because it clearly had been open for years. I wasn’t ready to accept that just yet.
Carter called to check on me, which led to us meeting at a bar downtown for drinks. I enjoyed the familiarity and safety of being with him after feeling so exposed by Mecca. He followed me back home, and though I knew it was because we’d fucked around and had sex the last time we saw each other, I let him come in anyway. I wanted to spend the night swimming a few laps, but drinking with him had canceled that… at least for the next several hours. My mom wouldn’t mind me coming over late so there was still a chance I’d be able to.
“Did you want to watch a movie or something?” I asked as I stepped out of my shoes at the front door.
“Yeah, that’s cool. I really just didn’t want my time with you to be over yet.”
“What are we doing, Carter?” I asked, turning to face him. “We know this is dangerous.”
“What makes it dangerous?” His arms wrapped around me, and he pulled me close.
“We don’t want the same things. Risking developing deeper feelings for each other knowing this won’t lead to marriage…”
“Why can’t we just have fun?”
I didn’t answer right away, trying to carefully figure out how to respond. “There’s nothing fun about falling in love with someone that you will eventually have to say goodbye to.”
“But shouldn’t love be an experience, regardless of the length of time it lasts?” I couldn’t argue with that as he cupped my cheek and caressed it with his thumb. “I want to love you, Shalom, even if I can’t have you forever.”
