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His forehead rested against mine as I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth. “Carter,” I whispered, fighting back tears. This was the last thing I needed right now. My cracked heart was already exposed more than usual. Outside of not wanting to develop deeper feelings for him, I also had a thing about not dating exes once we were over.
“I want to experience how good it will feel.” His lips hovered over mine. “To love you and be loved by you.”
My hands wrapped around his neck as I lost what little will I had to deny him. Lord knows I was in no emotional state to try and make a relationship work with him or anyone else, but at least with Carter, the foundation had already been laid. A foundation that didn’t match my own. My eyes closed and head shook as I tried to accept our differences, but that was easier said than done.
“Bae,” he called, pleaded.
“Hmm?”
“Let me love you.”
Those four words opened my heart even more. Our lips connected and we devoured each other’s mouths right there at my door. When we were ready for more, he slid down the wall and sat on the floor, bringing me with him. I lifted the sweater dress I had on, and he smiled when he realized I didn’t have on any panties. Our eyes were locked as he retrieved a condom out of his wallet. Once he was sheathed, I slid down on him, riding him with my feet flat against the tile.
We lost ourselves in the ride. The act, and getting to it, was fervent… like always. Things were always deep and intense with Carter, and that’s what reminded me of Mecca.
Mecca.
The thought of him had my body locking against Carter.
Closing my eyes, I tried to stay in this moment. My nectar trickled down, making a crackling nose against Carter as he moaned. He felt so good inside of me as he gripped my waist, but all I could think about was Mecca.
Before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my cheeks as I rested on my knees.
“Hey,” he whispered, stopping my movements. “Talk to me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really not in the headspace for this.”
“Why didn’t you say something, Shalom?”
“I wanted this, wanted you. I’m just… not ready.” I wiped my face as Carter held me close. “This is all Mecca’s fault.”
“Mecca?” he repeated. “The fuck doeshehave to do with this?”
I tried to stand, but Carter tightened his grip around me. I told him about everything and when I was done, the compassion in his eyes as he stared at me forced me to look away.
“You can’t keep living like this, Shalom,” he almost whispered, cupping my chin and forcing me to look at him. “It’s clear you still have…” His head shook as he struggled to find the words. “A lot of feelings for and over this man and what you shared with him. What you lost with him. You need closure, bae. Whether you get it with or without him, you’re going to continue to be triggered and in pain until you deal with what happened years ago.”
Though he didn’t use the exact same words Sister Catherine did, they came with the same message, and I couldn’t help but feel like it was from God. I could admit I held a lot in from the most traumatic time in my life, and maybe I did need to get it out—I just didn’t know how.
“You’re right,” I agreed quietly. “I’m sorry for shoveling my issues on you, especially like this.”
Carter chuckled as he pushed my hair off my shoulders and kissed my neck. “This is what love is about, right?” He wiped the remnants of my tears. “I want to sit here and hold you until you find your strength. Because I want to love you and I want you to know you can trust me to do that.”
His declaration made my eyes water all over again, but I didn’t cry. I buried my face in his neck and allowed him to hold me and give me the care my aching heart so desperately needed.
Violet tapped her pen on my desk. She and Jeremy had come to make sure I wanted to do what I’d planned to do. I didn’t want to do it at all, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. Since seeing Shalom, my head and heart were all over the place. It was crazy how differently things could look and feel in one week’s time.
“Are you sure, Mecca?” Violet repeated for a second time.
“Let him do what he thinks is best, Vi. I told you he wasn’t ready for this anyway.”
“You will not speak about me like I’m not sitting right here.”
Jeremy chuckled as he looked at me. “I don’t give a damn if you’re sitting there or not. You’re not ready for such a large case and you’re nowhere near ready to be a named partner. If you can’t even control your emotions and put your personal bullshit to the side for the sake of your clients and this firm, you’ll never get your name on that wall.”
He stood and stormed out, and I wondered how he and Amelia were even related. As much as I didn’t care for Jeremy, he was right. Violet stood and pressed her palms into my desk.
“Don’t make me have to agree with him, Mecca.”
