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That made me laugh a little louder. “There’s nothing to compete with, but why do you say that?”
“As much hate as you’ve carried for that man in your heart, you’ve carried just as much love. Even if you don’t want to admit that, you still love him.”
Ididn’twant to admit that, but it was the truth.
“Whether I love him or not, Mecca and I will never be in a relationship again. And I don’t think you and I will be either.” He sighed but I continued. “I heard what you said the last time we were together, and I wish I could agree, but I just can’t risk breaking my own heart, Carter. I know I’m going to love you deeply, and after what I’ve endured because of Mecca, I can’t go through heartbreak like that again. Idowant to be loved, but I want to be loved by a man I feel safe having a future with.”
“I didn’t think about it like that,” he admitted. “I know you got your rules and reasons, and I know our visions for marriage are not the same.”
“I think it’s best if we go back to no contact. It’s extremely hard to resist you, Carter Leigh. You’re truly a good man.”
“And you are an exceptional woman. Should you decide one day to embrace being taken care of in marriage and only having to focus on your man and kids, come to me, Shalom.”
With a smile, I stood and headed back to my vanity. “I will, Carter. Take care.”
After disconnecting the call, I continued to get ready. For a brief moment, I considered if I was making the right decision. Then, my mother came to mind, and I knew I was. I refused to let my life mirror hers, even if it meant not being with Carter. He was a great man, but he wasn’t a great man for me. I trusted that there was someone out there who could love me better without me having to sacrifice my job, freedom, and identity to receive it.
* * *
Carina set me up, but I didn’t mind. What was supposed to be a girls’ night out turned into Parker and Mecca joining us, and Mecca didn’t know what they were up to either. It took a little time for us to loosen up, but eventually we did. When we did, we started to enjoy ourselves. The evening started with us renting a top golf suite, then we went bowling, which was my all-time favorite thing to do.
It was fun seeing how good Mecca had gotten at bowling over the years. My last memory of bowling with him was of him falling down the lane and me falling when I went to help him. We almost died laughing as we lay there without a care in the world. Somehow, bowling led to us going to a hotel rooftop for small bites and drinks where we reminisced about the old days. We got on the subject of hobbies and how he never taught me how to skate. I’d never learned either.
We both still loved sports, but the rest of my hobbies were me-centered while his involved other people. I hadn’t planned for us to spend hours on that roof talking, but we did. As Mecca drove me to my car, I thought back to my conversation with Carter. Was I capable of being a real friend to this man, knowing our past and the love I had for him? I wasn’t sure if that was possible or if I even wanted to. There would come a day when he’d get married and start a family. Would I be able to witness that and not feel some type of way?
Why in the hell was I worried about something like that now?
I chuckled as I looked out of the window into the night sky.
I was thinking about it because I needed to be in control in order to feel safe and happy.
I was thinking about it because if I couldn’t plan it for my future, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
I was thinking about it because I’d been disappointed by this man once before and I couldn’t let that happen again—even if itwasunintentionally.
How would I explain that one day?Hey, Mecca, even though we’ve come a long way and become friends, that can’t be the case anymore because I don’t want to see you love a woman and have the family with her we were supposed to have.
“Ugh,” I groaned vocally.
“You good over there?” he checked, turning the radio down.
“Yeah.” There was no point in bringing him down with my overthinking.
“You know we suffer more in our minds than reality, right?” I looked over at him, and our eyes met briefly. “You’ll feel better if you talk about it.”
“Do you plan on getting married and starting a family?”
He massaged his chin. “Most definitely. You?”
“Yes.”
“Why does the thought of that have you upset?”
“I’m not upset, and it’s not the thought ofmegetting married and having kids that’s making me feel… weird. It’s you.”
His stare lingered on me a little longer this time. “Why’s that?”
I rubbed the pads of my fingers together as I considered how honest I wanted to be. “I don’t want to see that, Mecca. All I’d think about is how that was supposed to be me. Us. So I don’t know how this friendship thing will work.”
