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“Hell yeah, I do. I’m a romantic, you know.” He winks, and I roll my eyes. He settles into his seat and sighs. The weight of the last decade has taken its toll on him. “I’d like to see you settle down. Be in love. It’s a good thing, you know. Not worth running from.”
“I know love. This is how I show it. If I’m positive, I can’t be with Jillian. She’s the mother of my child but it ends there. She deserves a good man who will take care of her. Love her for eternity. She deserves someone to be with her when she’s old and gray. I don’t want her wasting her good years taking care of me. And I couldn’t stomach having her devote her world to me and I choose to end it early. Leaving her like that would destroy her.”
“Leaving her now isn’t?”
“She has years to move on. Some lucky bastard will sweep her off her feet. I’ll hate it, but on my dying day, I will know that those three days in Aruba and these last few weeks being with her have been the happiest of my life. I’ll be assured she’s in good hands and living her fullest life.”
“Now, who’s the romantic?”
“She made that possible.”
“A good woman will do that to a man.”
Now, it’s my turn to sigh. “For me, it’s always been her.”
I lean back in my rocker, and the two of us, side by side, rock in our chairs and yearn for love and life just as we always wished it could be.
We enjoy the rest of the day with my dad. He takes Ainsley for a ride in his pickup truck while I stay with Peyton once the aide leaves. There’s no manual for this situation. No course in school or college lecture. Our youth is spent planning for the future which is wild because no one knows what the future holds. Somedays I long to be the ignorant boy who only cared about soccer and girls. To be the man in the backseat of his mother’s car with the window open and driving to our next adventure.
The days of being a boy are long gone. Men are the heroes. We act it in different ways. For me, it’s doing what I see best for the woman I love. It’s being present for my father and sisters. It’s putting out fires. It’s keeping my head down and living in the present.
When it’s time to leave, Ainsley and I head into my truck and drive back to Greenwood Village. She watches a movie on her iPad for most of the drive and falls asleep during the last hour.
When I reach Jillian’s house, I see her car is in the driveway. I park on the curb and lift my daughter from the cab. Jillian opens the front door, already in her pajamas. I walk Ainsley up to her bed. Jillian takes Ainsley’s locket off and hangs it on a jewelry holder by the side of the bed. As she dresses our girl in her pajamas, I watch from the doorway.
Jillian looks beautiful tonight. Makeup-free and wearing green polka-dot pajamas. The moonlight casting in through the window makes her glow as she kisses Ainsley on the cheek and pulls the covers up to her chin.
As she steps out of the room, I move closer to the doorframe to make room. She brushes past me without a glance. I inhale the faint scent of her vanilla lotion as I follow her down the stairs and to the front door.
I’m not wanted. I understand that. I asked for that. And yet I’m devastated by it.
We stop at the front stoop. Her eyes are looking down. Placing my knuckle under her chin, I turn her face up to me. She flutters her lashes up as I rub her chin with my thumb.
“I love you,” I tell her.
She falls into me. Her hands wrap around my back, and I pull her in tight, resting my hand on her waist and in her hair, kissing the top her head and lavishing my love onto her.
“I love you so much, Jillian.”
“I love you too,” she says against my chest.
We stand here, under the moon and the stars, gripping each other for dear life. When she tilts her head, her lips are close to mine. Lifting up onto her toes, she kisses me. When her sweet mouth presses against mine, I part my lips and kiss her back. Her lips are soft, almost silken and pillowy against my own. Warmth fills my body as I groan when her honey-like tongue glides into my mouth, and I savor every bit of love, passion, and dedication she’s giving me. I could die kissing this woman. I’d be happy to.
“Do you want to come inside?” she asks.
“You know I can’t stay,” I say and watch as her chest shivers with a deep exhale.
I hate this wall I’ve put up between us. I hate that I’m forcing her to be vulnerable in a way she’s not comfortable with. Still, I love her more than I hate any of those things.
“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to hold you. Until you fall asleep.”
She shakes her head as she takes a step back. “I don’t want you to do what you don’t want—”
“Jillian”—I take her hand and pull her against me, walking us into her house—“there is nothing I’d rather do than hold you right now.”
A small smile of relief appears on her face.
I guide her into the living room and take a seat on the couch. She curls up on my side. There’s a white faux fur blanket beside me. I place it over her and watch as she snuggles into my side, warm and bone-tired.
