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He sets his mug down onto the marble counter, scoots closer to me, and lifts my chin to face his way again. His gaze roams my face, trying to read me like a map. Curiosity swims in his pupils. “What did you say before that?”
Shit.He heard me. And now the cat’s out of the bag, he might reject me, and I can’t handle another heartbreak.
“Before what?” I play dumb.
“Before you said you love my coffee.” He folds his arms across his chest and straightens his spine.
Heat creeps up the back of my neck. “Nothing. Forget it. Let’s go skiing. I need to push you down the slope.” I try to make light of the situation, but it isn’t helping.
“Don’t try to change the subject. You said you love me.”
Fear swallows me whole. I need to leave the room, breathe in fresh air. I’m not about to be like my mother and fall for a guy just to have my heart broken again. I don’t want to experience that heartache again. I step forward, but he blocks my path before he leans in, tapping his finger on my chin. I don’t want to be rejected, because maybe he’s not in love with me.
“No, I didn’t. Move, Atlas.” I push him out of the way.
“You’re in love with me,” he states.
I tuck my hair behind my ear and clear my throat. “I’m not,” I lie.
“Why are you lying to me? Admit it, Boots. You’re in love with me.”
“There you go, being so arrogant and full of yourself.”
“Why won’t you admit it? Tell me why.”
Anxiety claws at my chest, the room is closing in on me. I need fresh air.I don’t want you to hurt me.If I tell him I love him, it will move our relationship in a direction I don’t want it to go. This wasn’t supposed to happened, and I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I have a career to focus on; this wasn’t part of my plan.
“Please move,” I whisper. “I told you I didn’t say it.”
“What are you afraid of, Lake? The minute we’re close, you keep me at arm’s length. You treat me as if I’m going to hurt you, and it feels like you are punishing me because of what Carter did.”
“That’s absurd.”
“Is it really, Lake? The night of the fashion gala, you pushed me away, and it hurt my feelings. The very first time we had sex, you left without allowing me to explain myself. I’m tired of playing games with you. I’m tired of you not opening up to me. I’ve been waiting so long for you to just let me in. But you always have a wall up.”
“What about our relationship? We’re dating, I agreed to be your girlfriend.”
“Yeah, but you asked me to keep our relationship a secret at first. I had to fight you on that. Now you won’t admit you love me. You won’t admit to me what the real reason you won’t let me love you is.”
Tears burn in my eyes because he’s right. I’ve kept a wall up between us for a while and I’m so scared if I give myself to him fully, he’s going to hurt me. I’m not going to admit that I love him, and I’m not ready to say those words again yet. I wipe the tears from my eyes quickly.
“Move, Atlas.”
He sidesteps, and I leave the kitchen to lock myself in the bathroom and sob.
Atlas
I take a sip of my bourbon and glance out the window as sheets of rain tap on my glass window.
Sadness grips me by the throat as I play this past week over in my head like a madman. I did everything I could to be a loving boyfriend and be there for Lake. And yet, she keeps twisting my arm about how she feels for me. I fell in love with a woman who won’t admit she loves me. I’m making the same mistake as my mother did, waiting on the person I love to love me back. I said I wouldn’t be that way, and here I am, standing in the middle of my bedroom, nursing my drink. I feel stupid, pathetic. I’m done overlooking the wall she built around her heart.
The flight back home from Aspen was tense. I haven’t said two words to Lake because I didn’t know what to say when she wouldn’t admit her feelings for me. So, we won’t step onto each other’s toes. It was a big-ass elephant in the room, and neither of us wanted to address the issue. When we went into the mountains, she spent most of her time with Rachel and I spent it with Jasper because I didn’t know what to say or do. She doesn’t feel the same way I do, and I read into it too much. I don’t know why she keeps pushing me away, and honestly, I don’t care about the reason anymore.
I was going to propose to her on New Year’s, but now I’m not. She’s not ready for marriage, and I’m not going to force someone to love me in the way I deserve. If I prologue the relationship, then I’m going to be the one who’s going to end up in a loveless marriage. I’m going to wake up miserable, trying to love someone who doesn’t love me back.
I push back my shoulder, rolling my arms to relieve the tension in my shoulders, then take another sip of my liquor. I need to step back from this relationship so I can protect myself.
My phone buzzes with a text message.
