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“I’m going to talk to him.”
“No, it’s fine. I have accepted we’re not together, and I’m okay with it. I would be happy if we never happened.”
He nods. “I understand.”
“Thanks, again.”
I grab my box, exhale, and stroll out of the office.
Once I’m home, I pack up a month’s worth of clothing for my trip to Kauai.
Atlas
I sit at the bar and drink a bourbon and Coke—I needed something to take the edge off.
I should be happy that I’m now a board member, but I’m not because all I want to do is call Lake to tell her the news. I know she isn’t going to answer any of my messages, and I don’t blame her because I’m the one who pushed her away. I’m the one who broke things off with her, so why do I feel like shit? Why do I feel as if I made a bad decision? With every passing day, the hole in my chest becomes bigger and bigger. I can’t stop thinking about her, and I’m the one who thought we couldn’t be together because she doesn’t want to admit her feelings. I chose to live without her, and now I can’t stand it.
I have a Zoom meeting in a week with the board so that they can officially announce me as a member and go over the paperwork. My father has been blowing up my phone ever since he got kicked off the board.
I send him the middle finger emoji, then I block his number.
My phone vibrates with a message, and I scan the screen.
Jasper: You really going to let her go?
Me: I had to.
Jasper: She’s leaving for Kauai, and she looks good too.
Me: You saw her?
Jasper: She came here asking for a reference for her new job for when she comes back.
I leave him on Read and drink my liquor. My phone rings and Jasper’s name pops up across the screen. I answer on the third ring.
“What?”
“She loves you and you’re going to let her slip away?”
I don’t respond.
“You’re so fucking stubborn, and it’s not funny.”
“Why do you care?” I ask.
“You need a wake-up call. You’re going to let your father ruin your relationship. You have a shot at something real. You’re really going to allow her to slip through your fingers?”
“Shut the fuck up.” I hit the End button, slam my phone down, then I sip my liquor.
A message from Jasper pops up on the screen.
Jasper: You’re being heartless for no damn reason. You’re choosing fear over Lake.
I tap the button on the side, and the screen turns black. After taking a cab home, I remove my clothes, shower, and throw on my pajama pants. I lie in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about what Jasper said. He’s right, I am choosing fear over Lake. I’m so afraid she’s not going to love me back, but the truth is, I spent my life avoiding relationship, trying not to be like my mother, only to turn out like my father, using people’s weaknesses against them. I knew if I treated Lake as if she meant nothing it would push her away, and I said she was only a fling out of spite and anger. I spent a few years pining after her and being in love with her. And Jasper is right, I am acting like my father, becoming heartless.
I hurt Lake’s feelings because she hurt me, and that wasn’t right. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve my coldness. I made it seem like I used her until it was time to leave to go to London. I wasn’t going to take the job in London until the day she couldn’t admit she loved me. I never took the time to understand why she wouldn’t say it to me. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings that I didn’t give much thought aboutherfeelings.
I’m turning out like my father without me realizing it, saying hurtful shit just to get my point across. Not giving a fuck about others’ emotions except my own, putting my needs before hers. I’m too arrogant for my own good. I was cruel to her, and I don’t know how I even look myself in the mirror every day without feeling shameful. All my life I tried to avoid being like my father by not dating seriously and when I did, I acted the exact same way he did when I didn’t get my way. Fuck. I hurt the only woman I ever loved, and I need to make it right between me and her. Jasper is right, I need to get my girl back.
