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“How will I know if it’s right for me?” I’m not sure how to answer this. When I joined, I just knew this is what I’m good at.
I look over at Prince with a stagnate stare, “I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s what your mother wants for you. So maybe seek a different profession.”
Prince is sweet, but I’ve seen his stubborn side as well. I wonder if it’s my place to tell him things like this. Then again, Ivan did, so he believed his son was ready to hear the hard truths of our way of life. Prince is a smart boy who could be happy and successful working clean, but I can’t help but think of what his mind could do for the Bratva. AsPahkan, that’s my first thought, but as his father, I’ll steer him away if I can, but I can only do so much.
I clear my throat. “You’re still young. Don’t think too hard about it. When you’re older, we will speak again about this. For now, enjoy inconsequential bliss.”
Prince nods, “Okay.”
I pull on one of his curls lovingly, “Your schooling may be over for the day, but you should try expanding your circle of friends.”
Prince is hesitant to answer, but nods. “I’ll try.”
“Since you’re not busy. Why don’t we go to the florist and get your mom some nice flowers.” I suggest.
He perks up immediately and grabs his coat. He is a mama’s boy, for sure. Anything to put a smile on her face.
Prince and I walked over to the garage. “Which car should we take?” I ask.
“The red one is nice.” The red car he is referring to is the Mercedes-Benz CL65. Not a bad choice.
He jumps into the car, and I am right behind him. As we drive, I think increasingly about Ivan every time I glance at Prince. Prince is looking outside the window and smiling brightly. He looks like Reyna in this instant.
When we arrived at the flower shop, I told Prince to pick out flowers for Reyna. I decided to get some roses for Ivan as well. Today I want to visit his grave. I can’t keep evading my friend. I need to speak to him.
“Did you get the ones you wanted?” I call out.
He has roses in his hands as well. “Mom says roses are cliché, but she secretly loves them.”
I buy the flowers and we hop into the car. Prince holds the flowers in his hands and continues to look out the window. When we arrive at the cemetery, the air is frigid. The grass is soft, almost like quicksand.
As I stand in front of Ivan’s grave, I have no words.
“Hey,papa. I told you he would come.” Prince starts off the conversation.
I feel as if I could break down, but I take a breath and pull myself together. Yet, I can’t bring myself to say anything. I just sat on the ground beside Prince.
Prince puts his small hand on top of my own. How is your son stronger than me, Ivan? I can’t compare at this moment. The last time we spoke, I cursed you. I threw you away because I was hurting. I did not give you the love and support you gave me when I needed it that day you came to my mother’s home. The day you put a gun to my father’s head because you were my partner. You were my friend, but more importantly, my brother.
“Ivan, I’m sorry. I wish I could have been more of a man and brother to you. You have always given me more than I ever deserved. You gave me a woman I could share my life with, a son who can show me what it means to nurture. You gave me a home when mine was broken. You gave me a knife when I couldn’t protect myself. Thank you for giving me this life.” My voice cracks. “I wish I could take your place and let you be here to love them.”
Prince leans on my shoulder. “Papaloves us from where he is. He’s happy for you. I know he is. Trust me.”
He’s a child who wants me to feel better about what I have done, but I don’t. There’s nothing I will ever do to get back what I have done. I’m the reason his father is dead. Even if he forgives me, I can’t forgive myself. The only time I can completely forget my guilt is when I’m with Reyna. She makes all the destructive thoughts I have go away.
Reyna
“I feel like a fucking teenager all over again,” I say, with Izzy in the bathroom with me.
“Are you done peeing on the damn stick?” Izzy whines, looking at her phone.
“Yes, I’m waiting for the results now. Kyro and Prince hovered so much that I waited till they left. That way, I can surprise them if it turns out I’m pregnant.”
The timer runs it and I look and see that…I’m not pregnant. I don’t want to have another kid five years down the line. I want my children to not be fifteen years or more apart. Then again, life is not what we plan.
“What does it say?” Izzy asks, looking away from her phone.
I throw the test away, “Negative.”
