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Me: Thanks! See you then
38
Gunnar
It’searly.Soearly,my alarm hasn’t even gone off yet, but I’m already awake. I’ve been lying in bed, watching Jocelin sleep for the past half hour, trying to think of how to tell him everything I’m feeling without going over the top, or even worse, throwing it out there like it’s no big deal. How do you tell someone they mean everything to you and not screw it up?
He stirs, opening his soft brown eyes, and his smile is so sweet, it makes my heart ache. “Good morning, beautiful.” I brush a knuckle across his warm cheek, and he snuggles into the blankets, sliding a little closer.
“Good morning. You’re up early.” He reaches out and cards his fingers gently through my beard. “Everything okay?”
I kiss his forehead and rest my cheek against his hair. “Everything is amazing, as long as I have you.”
His arms snake around my waist as he settles against me. “Good thing I’m not going anywhere.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue. I could tell him right now. But is this how he’d want to hear, ‘I love you’ for the first time? We have morning breath, and I’m sure my hair is sticking up every which way. He deserves better than a half-awake declaration that involves zero planning. “Maybe we could go away this weekend. Get out of town for a bit. Find a bed and breakfast somewhere. What do you think?”
His smile says it all, and I know it’s the right decision. “That sounds wonderful. I would love that.” He sighs contentedly, and with him snuggled against me, all warm and cuddly, I consider closing my eyes and going back to sleep. Then my alarm blares to life. With a groan, I kiss the top of his head and roll away to shut it off, catching his grin as I do. “See, that’s how I know you truly care. You got up when your alarm went off the first time.”
I roll back over and kiss him. “Yep, I care that much.” I tap the end of his nose and slide out of bed, shuffling into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get a shower. I’m mid-shampoo when Jocelin makes his appearance, looking adorably rumpled and still sleepy, with his hair sticking up in several places. “Have I mentioned how cute you look in the morning?”
His soft smile makes my stomach swoop, and I think about telling him now. But he’s not even awake yet. He brushes his teeth, grinning at me around the toothbrush. “Someone woke up in a good mood.”
“How could I not, when I get to wake up next to you?” I finish my shower and leave the water running for him, kissing his cheek as we pass each other. “I even left you some hot water.”
He snorts. “You are too good to me.”
I’m toweling my hair dry when my phone rings. Jocelin and I both frown because it’s far too early for any phone call to be good. Astrid’s name flashes on the screen, and I swipe to answer. “Morning, Astrid. What’s up?” There’s a long pause, and then she bursts into tears. I try to follow what she’s saying, but she’s crying too hard, and I can’t make out the words. Fear twists my insides. Something is horribly wrong. “Astrid. Bean, take a breath and tell me again. I can’t understand you.”
Jocelin comes out of the bathroom, his bathrobe tied haphazardly and his brows drawn down in concern. I shrug, unable to tell him what’s going on because I don’t know. Gary’s voice cuts in. “Gunnar, I don’t want you to panic.” That, of course, is when real fear takes hold.
I definitely panic. All kinds of horrible scenarios flash through my mind. “You know that’s not actually helpful. Right?” I try for funny but fall far short.
“Right. Is Jocelin there? Maybe it’s better if I speak with him.”
“Gary!” EvenIcan hear the panic in my voice. Jocelin wraps his arm around my shoulder, and I lean into him and put the phone on speaker.
“Okay. There’s no easy way to say this. Bjorn’s been stabbed.” Ice cold dread freezes me in place. “They’re taking him to Harborview Medical Center. You need to get there ASAP, Gunnar.”
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I nod a few times, trying to remember how to breathe. “Okay. We’re leaving now.”
“Let Jocelin drive.”
I hang up and stare at the phone, my hands shaking.
“Gunnar? Baby, look at me.” I stare at my hands but see a sidewalk covered in blood. “Gunnar.” I can’t do this again. Please don’t let this happen again. “Gunnar, you’re scaring me!”
My head snaps up, and I look at Jocelin, his words finally seeping into my brain. “We need to go.” My voice breaks. “Joce.” The trembling moves up my arms, and my whole body starts to shake.
He takes my phone and pulls me against his chest. “Shhhh. Alright. Here’s what’s going to happen. We are going to get dressed. Then I’m going to drive us to the hospital. I’ll call Tadhg and Alistair once we get there to tell them what’s happened and that we won’t be in today.”
“I’m okay to drive.” I have no idea where the words come from because I don’t have any air in my lungs. Why is there no air in my lungs? I can’t breathe.
“Gunnar. Look at me.” Fingers slide under my chin, tilting my head up, and my eyes follow. “Gunnar, please take a breath for me,mon cœur.” Jocelin cups my cheeks and looks me in the eyes. “Inhale through your nose.” I can’t remember how. “Gunnar. Focus on me.” I look at him. He’s so beautiful. So worried for me but still smiling. “Breathe,mon chéri.” And my lungs expand. “That’s it. Now exhale through your mouth. Can you take another breath for me?” I inhale again, and he nods. “Good. Okay. Let’s get dressed.” He gently turns me around and nudges me toward the drawers that hold my clothes.
Bjorn can’t die. He can’t. Not like this. Not so soon. Not when we’ve just figured things out. Somehow, I go through the motions of getting dressed, though I don’t really remember it, and make it downstairs and into my coat. Then I’m sitting in the passenger seat of my car, which feels all kinds of wrong. I haven’t ridden in this seat since the car belonged to Bjorn. I clench my fists, wanting desperately to hit something as the shock fades, replaced with a growing anger.
The ride to the hospital is quick since we’re already downtown. Jocelin barely stops the car before I fling myself out of it and sprint across the parking lot to the emergency room entrance. Bursting through the doors, I scan the waiting room and spot Astrid and Gary tucked into a corner. Astrid jumps to her feet and I fly across the room, grabbing her and holding on as if she’s my lifeline. Because she is. “What happened? Where’s Erik?”
