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Astrid smiles and shakes his hand. “Thank you, Doctor.”
I trail along as we move floors and locate the family lounge. Astrid, Erik, and I leave almost immediately to find Bjorn’s room. She cautiously opens the door and steps inside, and I’m right behind her. My first glimpse of Bjorn makes me sway on my feet, but I lock my knees and will myself to keep my shit together. There are tubes everywhere, as well as an IV, but my gaze slips right past all of it to Bjorn’s face. “He looks smaller than usual.” It’s a ridiculous thing to say because he’s clearly not, but it seems that way.
Astrid takes my hand as we approach the bed, machines whirring and beeping. Reaching out with her free hand, she brushes the hair out of Bjorn’s face. “Well, you’ve given us quite a scare.” Her voice is gentle and quiet. Loads calmer than I am. “But you’ll be alright.” She pats my hand. “Gunnar’s here. And Erik. Everyone else is just outside, waiting to see you. We aren’t allowed to come in all at one time. And we can only stay for a few minutes.”
She’s rambling for herself more than Bjorn, so I give her hand a squeeze and put my other one over Bjorn’s. “Hey.” My voice cracks. “Get better. Okay? And soon. I love you.” That’s all I can manage. I squeeze Bjorn’s hand and Astrid’s shoulder, then leave the room, hurrying to the waiting area and into Jocelin’s arms.
I bury my face in his neck and breathe in his scent. “He looks okay, like he’s just pale and sleeping.” Pale, like Mom was. “He has to be okay, Joce. He has to. I can’t do this again.”
Jocelin strokes my hair. “Shhhh. Come on. Let’s sit down.”
I tuck my hands into my elbows, trying to stop the tremors in my arms, and Jocelin cups my face. “Gunnar, look at me.” I try to block the overwhelming scent of blood, but my lungs tighten, and I can’t catch my breath. “Gunnar, look at me!” The command in his voice has my gaze snapping to his. I stare into warm brown eyes—Jocelin’s eyes—and blink, a bit dazed. He relaxes his grip, and his tone and volume drop. “Gunnar, you are here with me right now. Focus on me,mon chéri.”
“Joce.” I blink a few times and sit back, covering my face with my hands. I’m losing it. I need to get control of myself, but I feel like I’m going to blow apart.
“Gunnar, let me take you home. You need sleep. If anything happens, we can be back here in fifteen minutes. Astrid will call us if they need us.”
I glance at Astrid, who looks even more concerned than before, and I feel like shit because she has enough to worry about. “Sorry.” I stand and pace the small room.
She stops me on my next pass and pulls me into a hug. “You look like you need to get out of here. Go. If we need you, I’ll call.”
I nod into her neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Shhh. There’s nothing to apologize for. Go get some rest, sweetie. I love you.”
I squeeze her so tightly she probably can’t breathe. “I love you too, Bean. So much.” She lets me go, and I turn, walking right into Erik’s arms, and it’s all I can do not to break down. He’s so big, like Dad was, and his hug makes me feel small again. I press into him, hiding my face in his neck, and let the tears fall.
“Gunnar. What can I do? What do you need?”
That only makes me cry harder because I don’t know. I need Bjorn to get better. I need my family to stop dying. With effort, I take a few deep breaths, then back up, pulling out of the hug. “I’m okay.” I wipe at my face with the back of my hand and try for a smile. “Hospitals. You know?”
He nods but doesn’t look convinced. “You want us to come with you? Make sure you get home okay?”
“No. I’m going home with Joce. He lives close.” I squeeze his shoulder. “I’ll be fine. I just need some sleep.”
Jocelin slides his arm around me. “Let’s go home. I’ll make a fire, and we can sit on the sofa and watch TV or just go to bed if you want.”
Mumbling some sort of agreement, I put my arm over his shoulder, wave goodbye to Gary and Jules, and let Jocelin guide me to the elevators and out to the car. Numb, I climb in the passenger side and concentrate on buckling my seatbelt while Jocelin starts the car. He rests his hand on my thigh. “We can get up early and be back first thing in the morning.” I nod and squeeze his hand, trying to ease some of his worry. The truth is, I’m worried too. I’m barely holding it together, and I know it.
The drive home is quiet, and I close my eyes, letting my head fall back against the headrest as I try to breathe. When we finally reach the loft, I toss my coat over a chair and stare at nothing, trying to remember what I’m supposed to do next. Jocelin’s phone rings, and as he answers it, I head for the stairs. I’m in no mood to be awake anymore today. I just want to close my eyes and let this horrible day be over. “Gunnar, it’s for you.”
I stop midway up the stairs and turn around. He holds out his phone. “Who’s calling me on your phone?”
“It’s Tom. He didn’t want to call on yours in case the hospital tries to reach you.”
I nod and take the phone. “Tom.”
“Hey, Gunnar. Rough day.” I grunt my agreement. “How’s Bjorn?”
“He’s lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a breath after seeing Jocelin’s horrified look. “Sorry, Tom. That was shitty. He’s alive, which is a good thing. But he’s not out of the woods.”
“Gunnar. Listen to me.” I sit on the step and lean against the wall, suddenly too tired to stand anymore. “Are you listening? I want you to focus. I want you to think about your positive image like we used to practice. Can you see it?”
“No. I can’t.” My voice wavers, and I squeeze my eyes shut and whisper into the phone. “And it’s scaring me.”
Tom’s voice is calm but firm and exactly what I need. “Gunnar. You’re exhausted. Concentrate on breathing, and work on focusing your mind on your positive image. Get some sleep. And if you need me, I’m a phone call away. I can be there in about 20 minutes, if that’s what it takes.” What he’s really saying is, ‘I’ll be your punching bag if you need it… if you can land a punch.’
I desperately want to curl up in a ball and sleep. “Okay. I’ll try.”
