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She could trap us, trick us, turn us into whatever weapon she wished, but I refused to give her what she most desired. The cruel truth was, if I wanted to survive—if any of us wanted to survive this—we had to be as brutal and merciless as those controlling us.
We had to be heartless.
Which was a line I wasn’t sure I could cross.
“When Solok appeared in that clearing and had you by the throat, all I could think of was how I’d failed you.” I went to jerk away, to tell Zor he hadn’t failed me at all, but he tucked me tightly beneath his chin. “No, let me finish. In that moment, all my training, all my expertise was worthless, because there was nothing I could do when his hand was wrapped around your throat.”
I closed my eyes, failing to stop the tears squeezing out beneath my lids. “I’d never known such fear as I did in that moment. Never realized how it felt to lose something so precious…in the blink of an eye.” I became intensely aware of him, his smell, how steady his heart beat beneath my blood splattered cheek.
“I never told you why I cannot bear to touch females.” His lips pressed into the top of my head, resting there for a long moment, and I realized the only thing between us was his thin shirt and my leathers. Too little…but too much. “But maybe…I want you to know why. I want you to know it was never you, Anaria. If anything…”
Zor brushed a gentle hand down my back. “If anything, you healed me. Showed me there is still light in this world, despite the darkness.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not at all ready for the smear of ugliness I knew was coming.
“When I was young, when my family first came to Blackcastle from the Shadowlands, my father desired to join high society, to become part of the Shadow King’s court. There was a female of good standing, who had lost her mate at a young age. She was older than me, but of course you couldn’t tell because she was High Fae, and she was very beautiful. Fair, like you, with straw-gold hair and eyes the color of the summer sky.”
A chill trickled down my spine as I realized where this story was going, wondering how he could possibly stand holding me like this.
“I was instantly enthralled by her, and in a matter of days we agreed to marry, which made my father happy.” Tucked so snugly into him, I felt, not saw, Zor shake his head. “It happened so fast, I should have known from the start something was wrong. But I was young and foolish and blinded by what I now know was a compulsion spell.
“She wasn’t Caladrian Fae, she wasn’t even Fae, though she glamoured herself to look like one. Those first few months we lived in a grand house in the highest level of the city, overlooking what was once a verdant forest. This dead, arid plain was filled with waving grass and a shallow lake. The days were…heady, filled with lovemaking and sunshine and beautiful things.” When Zor shuddered against me, I wrapped my arms around him.
“But the nights were far different from the days…My dreams were dark nightmares stained with blood and pain and endless torment. At first, they happened only one a month, then once a week…then every night.”
There was such pain in Zorander’s deep voice, such terrible suffering, I could hardly stand to listen to another word. He’d always been an immovable boulder and hearing so much raw vulnerability in his voice destroyed me.
“One night, a year into our…marriage, I woke from my nightmare. I never understood how, or why, but I managed to pull myself out of my deep sleep, only to find my wife feasting on me, her fangs sunk into my side as she ate. She didn’t realize I was awake until I started screaming.” Zor went silent, as if he couldn’t stand to say another word.
“What…What manner of creature does that?”
“She was a Mimic. A twisted version of a Fae. They have skin as fathomlessly black as midnight, empty, soulless eyes, multi-jointed bodies, and rows of sharp teeth, designed for tearing. They can glamour themselves to appear as any being in any realm, even a High Fae. But they are abominations.
“They cast a sleeping spell on their victims, consume them, heal them before they wake, then begin the cycle over again. I was nothing but a source of food to her.” He shuddered, and I shuddered along with him, a tide of horror carrying both of us away.
“Every night she ate me, and every morning…” He swallowed, his throat working. “I fucked that hideous creature, thinking she wasmy wife. Planned a life, a family…a future with her. Just the thought of how naïve I was…Gods, the thought makes me sick, every day.”
“Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault.” I realized I was murmuring, over and over, against his ear as I held him desperately tight. “None of this was your fault,” I said, calmer this time. “I didn’t even know such things existed.” I let out a shaky breath that didn’t do a godsdamn thing to steady me. “What happened to her?”
“No one believed me. My father expected me to remain married, to secure his spot at court. But the fucking Shadow King knew. I could tell by the way he watched us together. I was forced to keep up the act in public for a few more weeks until I figured out how to escape. I spent those nights locked in a closet, where she couldn’t sink her claws into me. She would scrape them down the door, crooning about how good I tasted and how hungry she was.”
“How did you escape?”
He let out a wry laugh. “I joined the army, of course. Worked my way up through the ranks. As it turned out, I was good at killing, which was all that was required of a Caladrian foot soldier. That’s where I met Raziel. And Julian. And as they say, the rest is history.”
“No wonder you can’t stand me.” Everything came crashing back in—the exhaustion, the sense of failure, the reason I was so, so dangerous to these males. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me go.
“That’s the thing.” Zor pressed his lips to the top of my head, and I closed my eyes, hardly believing what was happening. “Icanstand you. Somewhere along the line, I grew to like you, Anaria. And then…when Solok wrapped his hands around your throat and drew blood, when blind rage took me over, the sort I’d never felt before in my entire life, what I felt for you was deeper than affection, deeper than anything I’d ever experienced before.”
He lay his hand along my face, and gods help me, but I leaned into that touch, something weighty settling around my heart. “I’m falling in love with you, Anaria.”
I wanted to believe him. Wanted this so badly it hurt. To feel safe. To be loved and treasured and held as worthy by not just Raziel, but Zorander, too. More than I deserved, truthfully, given what an utter failure I was.
“This isn’t love.” I was surprised at how cold and clear my voice was. “We’re allies, Zor, and you’ve gotten used to me being around, that’s all.”That’s all.That’s all this was; that’s all I deserved.
There were about a hundred reasons why this couldn’t happen.
“That’s really what you think?” Zor asked softly, his lips moving through my hair, one hand smoothing up my back to clasp the back of my neck, his fingers easily encircling my throat. “We’re allies? That’s all we are?”
