AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I can’t go there. I already blocked that conversation two months ago when I stopped texting her. Chances she did get the message, this is strictly business.
I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to hurt myself.
I often asked myself, how can someone overcome an ugly past? A past that shaped and molded him to become a runaway who can’t stay in one place for too long because it feels like a fortress. Too suffocating. Too quiet. Too lonely. And it doesn’t matter how big that place is, it’s still too much.
How can you not see images of people lying around in their own puke, stained with blood and shards of glass that someone forgot to clean, and are on the verge of another trip in the abyss?
The kitchenette has nothing in it, except spoiled milk from last month that I hoped would last for a while before the fridge broke down.
My nostrils flare as I rub the back of my neck and avert my gaze to her.
Lines of cocaine lying around the rectangle table in the living room. The large quantities she’d dosed over the years made her erratic, delusional, and paranoid. And other times, nonexistent. Just tossed in some corner like yesterday’s trash.
“Tessa!” I don’t call her mom anymore. She lost that privilege a long time ago.
Rubbing the powdered substance in her nose, she replies, “What do you want?”
“Try not to die, I would be crushed,” I pretend to give a shit, “Besides, burial is expensive and… oh, we’re broke because you used all our money on drugs.”
Scowling, a grimace distorts her upper lip, “You’re the shitiest son on the planet.” She says with a sneer.
“File a complaint to CPS, I’m sure they would love to help you.” I storm out the front door and slam it behind me.
I know she dealt with her own demons and her own failures, but she never tried. For me. She brought me to the world and what? Was I just supposed to join her ride and take it? Accept her sentence. Be damned along with her.
The clog in my throat intensifies. The remnants of the milkshake are bittersweet on my tongue.
Even when you move on, those images… they are just there. They don’t go anywhere no matter the quantity of therapists you’d see. The past can’t be entirely erased. You just continue to live your own life.
Looking to my side, a kid is trying to build a sand castle next to us, “Are you having trouble with your tower?” I ask him and he nods in return. “Want my help?”
He nods again.
I quickly make a pile of sand and sculpt it with his help. The kid smiles from ear to ear while Lenny makes another matching tower on the other side.
“No one will mess with your kingdom now,” she jokes, giving him a high-five.
The kid moves to give me a high five, “Great job.” And I finish the cycle by fist-bumping Lenny.
In mere seconds she sprints toward the ocean, I stare at the kid dumbstruck, and he looks at me with the same expression but continues to play with his castle.
I ruffle his short hair and wait for a few minutes to pass by until he stands and scampers back to his parents who sit feet away from me.
My strides are measured until I dip my toes in the water next to Lenny.
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I take a deep inhale and glimpse at her as I stretch my neck.
“Are you okay?” my voice low and soft.
She immediately responds, “Yeah.”
“The ocean calms you, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” she answers, still staring at her toes wiggling in the water.
I pull my cap backward, “I feel that way too.”
“It holds a special place in my heart.” She adds.
