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It wasn’t going to happen.
It really sucked. I’d been trying to do the right thing. So how did everything go so wrong?
I’d been hurt by Mary-Beth saying it was definitely, totally over, not just a pause or a step back. But I hadn’t asked her to reconsider, though. I knew I had to do the right thing by Kayla. I was still smarting from her total rejection of me – and her closing all the doors to a future together, just like that. But, I knew now, in the dark and the quiet of the night, that I wanted her.
I didn’t know how it could ever work, but I wanted her. It was love – true love – between us, and nothing should get in the way of true love. Even Bryce had said that, and he’d been dead set against anything happening between me and Mary-Beth at first. He could see how I felt about her, and that changed everything.
I’d also been thinking about what I’d said to Caleb, the little shit about having some respect for the mother of his child. I’d meant it, and, as I lay there, sleep far out of reach, I had been forced to look at myself. Clarissa had been a nightmare the past couple years, it was true. But I had something to answer for. At some point I’d stopped treating her with any respect. I’d gotten really focused on my own hurt and pain – and fear, of course, that she’d somehow drive a wedge between me and Kayla, or even take her away from me.
Your sympathetic nervous system gets really activated when there are big issues like that in the balance, and you don’t trust the person you’re dealing with. I know that from the therapy I’ve been having with the team’s psychologist. We all see Nick for sports performance – for mindset, processing losses and to help optimize our game, that kind of stuff. But when the divorce process turned nasty, I started extra sessions with him focussed on my personal life too. He explained that when we’re in flight or fight mode (fight, in my case) we get really self-consumed and stop seeing the other person with any empathy or compassion. I got that, although I didn’t admit that to him in the room at the time. I’d started treating Clarissa like an enemy to be crushed, somewhere along the line. Like a force I had to protect myself from. But she’d never gone after sole custody. She’d been mean and petty, yeah, but never fundamentally unfair. And… could I even bring myself to admit it? There were times when I’d been mean and petty too, striking out in hurt and fear.
None of that had done Kayla any good at all.
On impulse, I reached for my phone and recorded a voice memo. “Hey Clarissa, it’s me. Alex. I just wanted to say, whatever’s gone on between us in the past… it would be good to talk more. About Kayla, I mean. And try to work together more as parents.” I felt an edge come into my voice then and I took a breath. “I’m not criticizing,” I managed to say then. “Anyway, how about a coffee soon? There are some things it would be good to talk about, regarding her school friends, and confidence.” I remembered how she’d always accused me of taking control of things. “And anything you’d like to discuss, of course,” I added.
I sent the memo, by e-mail so it didn’t alarm her in the middle of the night, and put my phone on the bedside table again.
Good, that was a first step towards changing my behavior. Is that the kind of thing I should be focusing on, to better support Kayla? Nick had suggested something similar months ago, but I hadn’t listened.
Rather than throwing away a potentially beautiful thing with Mary-Beth? Could this all just be a bump, or was it really too late?
I couldn’t stand being in bed any longer with all of that going around and around in my head, so I got up to go get myself some herbal tea in the kitchen. And I was hungry again – I thought maybe I’d fix myself a sandwich or something. I threw on some boxers and a t-shirt and padded up to the kitchen door. I listened hard for a while before I opened it, wanting to be sure it was empty. How had it come to this? Sneaking around my own apartment. Feeling so awkward and uncomfortable in my own home?
I walked in and got a shock. Someone was at the table. Mary-Beth. She was so still and quiet – no wonder I hadn’t heard her. She didn’t jump or anything – she just looked up at me. “Can’t sleep either?” she asked.
“Nope.”
I desperately wanted to wrap my arms around her, and tell her I loved her, I missed her, I wanted us to be together again. But I didn’t. Instead, I crossed the room to the kitchen counter and filled the kettle. My heart was pounding in my chest and my palms were going all sweaty. God, I felt fifteen again…
“What’re you drinking?” I managed to ask.
“Camomile.”
“I’ll join you.”
The kettle boiled and I chose a mug and filled it, leaving the teabag in.
“Sandwich?”
“I’d take a grilled cheese,” she said. “If you’re making one anyway.”
“I wish,” I said. “Grilled cheese is off limits for me. But I’ll make you one while I do myself an Alex Special.”
“Let me guess – turkey on rye with lettuce, no mayo.”
That took me back to our lunch in that little café she’d shown me by all the antique stores. I remembered how easily conversation had flowed between us, and how lovely it was that I could be quiet with her too.
And, of course, my mind jumped to when we’d kissed afterwards, on the sidewalk.
“The silk ottoman looks great in 2B,” Mary-Beth said then. So, she was thinking of that day too…
Courage welled up in me. “Mary-Beth, I- I’ve been thinking about us… I know you’ve made it clear it’s over but-“
“You chose this,” she snapped suddenly. “You made the decision. I just clarified the fact that your choice would stick. The last thing Kayla needs is some on-again/off-again relationship going on right under her own roof.”
Huh. She was acting like she was the only one with feelings! ‘I was only trying to do the right thing,” I grumbled. Even I had to admit it though - I sounded like a spoiled kid.
But I’m not even sure if Mary-Beth heard me. When I stole a glance at her, I saw that she was staring out of the window, seemingly lost in thought.
