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“I sent a message to Clarissa,” I said then, into the silence. “To try and make peace. I suggested a friendly meeting to discuss co-parenting issues and what we can do to support Kayla.”
“That’s your business, Alex.”
“I thought you’d be pleased,” I said, feeling hurt.
She sighed and turned and looked at me. Her glance was so piercing in the soft kitchen lamplight that I paused in what I was doing, the cheese grater held in mid-air. “What do you want, a medal?” she said, with a weary smile. “Alex, you broke up with me the moment things got difficult. And you decided what was best for Kayla without even talking to her about it, or consulting a child therapist or anyone who could help you navigate this. I thought we were in love, like, true, real, love – but you just threw it away at the first sign of trouble.”
“But I-“
“I appreciate you supporting me with Caleb,” she cut in. “I really do. I’m not some ball-breaker who has to do everything on my own, to prove a point. And if that made you think about trying harder with Clarissa, then that’s great. But I can’t get involved in your stuff, Alex. I can’t just suddenly be friends with you.” She stood and her voice broke with emotion. “This hurt me. I’m hurting, okay?”
Tears started to run down her face in the silver moonlight from the window. She looked so, so beautiful, and so, so sad. I just wanted to hold her.
I took a few steps towards her, automatically, but she stepped back and held her hands up. “No, no, please don’t. I don’t need your pity.”
“It’s not pity, it’s…” I stopped myself. Would it hurt her even more to say love?
She took a deep breath and when she spoke again, she was more together. “I’m looking for an apartment, and as soon as I find something suitable for me and Maddy, that I can afford, we’ll be gone.”
I felt a pang of agony shoot through my heart at that. Of course, losing Mary-Beth meant losing Maddy too. I realized then that I’d come to love Maddy just as much. I held off from offering Mary-Beth an apartment here. I could see now that that would be the last thing she wanted.
“What about Kayla?” I croaked.
Pain crossed her face. I could tell from her eyes that she’d come to love my wonderful daughter just as much as I loved Maddy. “I’ll see her, of course I will. We can meet at the play park and for pizza and things, with Maddy. I wouldn’t take that away from her, just because of you and me. I’d love to still have her in my life.”
Suddenly we rushed towards one another and hugged tight. It just happened, out of nowhere.
“How did it end up like this?” I heard myself say. “Is there anything I can do to put it right?”
“I don’t think so,” she said, into my t-shirt. “I think I did the right thing, deciding to wait for a relationship until Mads is in school. We only just got together and already it’s gone so wrong and caused us both – and Kayla – a lot of pain. I know you had good intentions, Alex. Really, I do. But I felt so rejected and hurt by how quickly you ditched me.”
There was an edge to her voice – I could feel the hurt and pain.
‘Ditched is a bit strong,-“ I began, but then I shut up. Who was I to argue with how she felt?
“I get that you’re a good man, Alex,” she said then. “But… I took it so hard, and something in me just shut down. I can’t get back to where I was. I don’t know… Maybe I need counseling or something.” She pulled away from me and looked deep into my eyes. “I have a real rejection thing – because of Caleb and my dad being such assholes. All I do know is that I can’t get into these big feelings at this time in my life. I don’t have the time or the energy, after everything I’ve been through in the past couple of years. I have to focus on Maddy. Painful as this is, I think it’s for the best. It’s just bad timing, for both of us.”
I felt sick to my stomach. “Please, don’t say that…”
“It’s true.”
I knew she was right. We were a good thing, ruined by bad timing. Mary-Beth held me tight again then, her head pressed against my chest. I wanted to kiss her so badly. She was so close – and yet so far out of reach. I wondered if I’d ever kiss her again. What a horrible, terrible waste. I found myself crying too then – silent, salty tears that I hoped she wouldn’t notice.
And then she lifted her chin, gave me a kiss on the cheek and hurried from the room.
* * *
I didn’t sleep much that night, and I woke up tired and grumpy. But before Kayla headed off to Clarissa’s late the next afternoon, we had a really good talk about what had been going on at school. I had to pull myself together to be there for her, and that did me good. Then, together, we made a plan. Mary-Beth and Maddy were out and it was good to have the place to ourselves, and really be able to talk one on one.
Kayla also agreed to me talking to her mom about it, so that we could be on the same page when I talked to the principal, when school started again.
I hadn’t had a reply to my memo yet, but I was determined to improve our co-parenting relationship, even if that meant a mediator or counselor to help us. I knew I’d have to start including Andrew in all that too, as they were getting engaged. That brought up all the warrior dad stuff in me about another man getting to parent my daughter. But I’d have to suck that up too. For Kayla.
We had a big hug at the end of the conversation. She headed off to pack her stuff, but then reappeared and hovered in the doorway.
“Yes, my child?” I said, with a smile.
“Dad… can I ask you something?”
