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“Does she…has she found my mother? I never knew why she killed herself and I’ve always thought it was because of me.”
The pain in her voice hit me right between the eyes. Along with the chronic migraines I had developed thanks to a condition called energy reflux syndrome—ERS—my empathic skills had increased and it made it problematic to be around people who were highly upset. Their pain could trigger a migraine.
Energy reflux syndrome only afflicted certain members of the witchblood, and I was unlucky enough to be one of them. Given I had mostly been prevented from using or learning about my magic when I was younger, the energy had backed up andbingo, overloaded my magical circuits—so to speak—and they went haywire. That led to me developing ERS. There was no cure, though I could manage it. But it had changed my life in too many ways.
I turned to the ghost. “Have you talked to her mother? Mandy really needs to know why her mother left her.”
“Abandoned,” Mandy said, but I chose to ignore it.
After a moment, Nan’s voice came through loud and clear.Yes, I’ve talked to Beverly. She was a very troubled woman, and there are circumstances surrounding Mandy’s birth that Mandy doesn’t know about. I’d rather shenotknow about it.
“All right, I agree. Tell me.”
Her mother was viciously attacked one night by a group of men, and one of them ended up impregnating her. The cops never did find out the names of those who assaulted her, but there were at least five men and they took turns. When she didn’t come home on time, I was worried so I went out looking for her. I couldn’t raise her on her cell phone. She had been at a friend’s house and when she headed home, that’s when the men caught her.
I flinched, bracing myself. The story had gone very dark, very quickly.
I found her bike, and I called the police. They raised a search party and a pair of search-and-rescue volunteers discovered her in a nearby park, left beneath some bushes. She was severely injured. At the hospital they gave her the morning-after pill, but it didn’t work. Beverly didn’t know she was pregnant until she was too far along for an abortion. She thought she was gaining weight because she was eating a lot, and she didn’t have many other symptoms.
I was trying to figure out a way to ask her questions without Mandy overhearing. “Weren’t thereothersigns?”
You mean, what about her period? Beverly had never had a regular cycle, and she thought that the trauma had stopped it. She was eighteen. By the time she figured out something was going on and I took her in, it was too late. So she had to have the child and she refused to give her up for adoption. She thought she could manage motherhood, but it wasn’t long before Mandy proved to be too much. Every time Beverly looked at her, the child was a reminder of the assault. It was too much. She spiraled into drug and alcohol abuse. I took care of Mandy from the time she was a little girl and I always knew I’d end up raising her.
I sighed. The tragedy of the story overwhelmed me and I rubbed my temples. “What would you like me to tell your granddaughter?” I asked, hoping for something that I could relay that wouldn’t leave Mandy shouldering a buttload of guilt.
Nan thought for a moment, then said,Tell her that her mother loved her as best she could. That she was haunted by too many demons and it wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t Mandy’s fault. Tell her that Beverly thought she was doing the best thing for Mandy by removing herself from the picture. She was a very sick young woman and we tried everything we could to help her. There are some tragedies that you don’t come back from.
That would be enough, I thought. It would at least give Mandy the knowledge that she hadn’t driven her mother to suicide. Although, in an inadvertent way, she had. Her very presence had. But it sounded like Beverly had been broken so deeply by those men that there was nothing that would have prevented her suicide.
I turned to Mandy and explained the best as I could. “Your mother was very ill, mentally. She had PTSD, and she couldn’t face her future—and she didn’t want to ruin your future. So she took her own life. But your mother loved you, and she knew how much your grandmother loved you. She trusted your grandmother to watch over you. And your grandma did the best she could under the circumstances. That’s all I can tell you.” I never used to lie to clients, but now the energy was too much for me. So I fibbed. “Your grandmother’s vanished for now, but she’ll be around, watching over you.”
After a moment, Mandy smiled. She looked as though a weight had lifted off her shoulders. “Thank you. I needed to hear all of that. As long as I didn’t cause my mother’s suicide, as long as I know that she loved me it’s okay. Sometimes people do what they have to do and nothing in the world can help. I’m glad my grandma is around, though, and maybe I can learn to sense her presence. I tend to feel her. When I smell lavender perfume, I think she’s near.”
I could smell it too. “I think the lavender perfume is a sign she’s around. Now, I should take my wedding dress and go. Thank you so much for the wonderful job.”
“Wear it in good health, and with joy.” She saw me to the door.
As I stepped outside and headed to my car, Lanora appeared by my side.
Thank you for not destroying her hopes.
“Listen, at some point she’s going to go digging for information and she’ll encounter the whole truth. If it’s in the police records, she’ll be able to access it. Think carefully about what you try to keep from her. You might want to tell her before she discovers it on her own.” With a wave, I slid into my car, put the dress in the backseat, and eased out of the parking spot.
CHAPTERTWO
By the time I got home, it was nearly four. I was now working three days a week in an attempt to keep my stress levels down. I went in Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and took Friday through Monday off.
Because my doctor had insisted that I flex my magical muscles every day that I wasn’t laid out with a migraine, I had taken up reading tarot and various other things on the side. The Broom & Besom—the local magical shop—had generously offered me space to read there. So on the Fridays that I felt up to it, I spent a few hours at the shop, reading for customers.
November had been brutal—full-on migraines a good share of the month, but I had implemented my doctor’s suggestions. I tried to practice my magic daily. And on the days when I couldn’t manage it, I meditated and did yoga. The daily practice, along with doing whatever else I could to lower my stress levels, had brought December to a manageable level so far. I prayed that I would be good to go on our wedding day. Come hell or high water, I was getting married on the Solstice.
I carried my dress into the bedroom and hung it in the closet. It still seemed strange to walk through the door to Killian’s house instead of my own, but I had to admit, the extra space in the house was great. And not having to tackle the stairs to get to the bedroom was a bonus, especially if I was battling a headache. I still had pangs over letting go of my childhood home, but it couldn’t be in better hands.
After hanging up my dress and spending a few minutes playing with the cats, I headed to the kitchen. Killian’s house layout was different than mine. The utility room and pantry were off to the side of the kitchen, which faced the backyard like my house. The extra space meant that I had a sizable office and a ritual room on the main level, and that my ritual room wasn’t tucked into a secret space beneath the house.
I opened the fridge and poked around, looking for something a snack. My stomach was protesting. I turned on the espresso machine and, while it heated, made myself a turkey sandwich. After pulling three shots for a latte, I carried the sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and my latte to the table and sat where I could look out at the backyard.
Killian had removed the fence between our properties, so now we had the equivalent to three lots in an L-shape. Ari was renting my house and renovating it into her new salon, so Killian had built a fence across the back to prevent her clients from wandering around in my gardens.
