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That piqued my curiosity, and I quirked an eyebrow. “What is it?”
“I have a few.” He pursed his lips as he seemed to decide what to start with, then he grinned. “I’m a bit of an exhibitionist.”
“Exhibitionist?” I repeated. “You want people to watch?”
“Not quite that far,” he said. “But it’s been more than once in public that I’ve wanted to heft you over my shoulder and find a little hiding spot to fuck you ragged.”
The muscles in my thighs clenched slightly, and Cole’s eyes lit up with interest. “That was a little spike of arousal from you, wasn’t it?” he asked.
I blushed. “Well, I...I think it’s more that you want me enough to feel the urge to do that.”
“Which would feed into that primal kink, right?”
I was seized by so much embarrassment that all I could do was hide my face in my hands.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said as he gently pulled one of my hands away from my face. “Baby, it’s all right. I’m serious. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. Marley, for God’s sake, you’re dating a wolf shifter. It’s not that far of a leap that you’d be into some primal sex.”
I snorted. “Isn’t it kind of wrong of me? Isn’t that kind of like fetishizing you?”
“No,” he said emphatically. “Olivia fetishized me. She loved everything about fucking me, but scorned and mocked everything about what I was. She rejected Noah, hated that he was a shifter. You wanting to feel the excitement of being chased down or wrestled into submission or thrown over my shoulder like a prize is not a problem for me.”
I was still having trouble meeting his gaze, my ears burning with embarrassment. “But, how do…I mean, logistically, how does that work? Where do we even start with working out how we’ll explore those things?”
Cole gave me an adoringly patient smile, then dropped my hand to brush some hair away from my face and tuck it behind my ear. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”
I pursed my lips slightly. “Negotiation?”
He cradled my face, coaxing me to look at him again. “Negotiation. We just have to talk about your expectations, about the ways you want to experience this, about the things that excite you about it so I can deliver. I’m here to make you feel good. Making you feel good is what makes me feel good, remember?”
I nodded and inhaled deeply. “Right.”
“Why don’t you tell me some aspects of this whole thing that you find interesting and exciting?” he suggested. You mentioned being pursued. Is that something you would like?”
I chewed nervously on my thumbnail. “It feels like it’s complicated. Like, some of it feels…” I trailed off, realizing exactly what it was that felt like such a blockage in my mind. I had been pursued before. I’d been pursued in a very real way more than once—by Wyatt. Once when he bit me, and again only a few weeks earlier when he came after me and tried to take me back to Leighton Valley with him…or wherever the hell he’d planned on going.
Suddenly, I was overcome with so much shame that my throat ached. My mind flashed with memories of Wyatt telling me he knew I liked everything I claimed to hate. And all the times I’d feared for my life and survival because of his aggression and anger and possessiveness.
Had he been right this whole time?
“Walk me through it, baby,” Cole said softly, rubbing my thigh to comfort me. “I can read your feelings but not your thoughts, so explain the shame and disgust you’re feeling.”
Disgust? Was that what I was feeling toward myself?
I shook my head and swallowed painfully. “It is something that excites me, but I just realized that I actually have been chased and pursued. For real. I’ve almost died twice from being pursued.”
“What does that have to do with things you want to experience sexually?”
“If I don’t fear it in a…in a sexual context, does that mean this whole time I’ve been trying to heal myself from the abuse I suffered? That I was faking being a victim?” My voice had started to shake, and my eyes burned.
“Marley, no. Absolutely not,” Cole said firmly, but not with any hint of unkindness. “Marley, baby, I think I’ve told you this before, but you know that kinks can be used to reclaim negative experiences you’ve had, right?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You desiring to have an experience similar to the trauma you suffered does not in any way indicate that you’ve been faking anything. It’s likely just that your brain wants to rewrite those experiences and memories in a light that puts you in power.”
“I don’t want to have the power,” I said, the words rushing out of me. “I think that’s what scares me. I don’t want to be the powerful one. I want to feel desired and pursued. I want to be hunted down and...and...”
Cole waited patiently while I tried to organize my thoughts. I closed my eyes and thought about that deep, primal desire—the wish to be chased while fleeing. There had been times in the beginning with Wyatt when we first moved in together that he’d chased me through the house until catching up with me. He’d picked me up in his arms and spun me around.
