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Opening my eyes each morning was becoming an impossible task to complete. My desperation to discover this was all a bad dream was the only reason I mustered the strength to do so. Each time, I prayed that Makai was beside me and our worlds were still intertwined.
It never happened. He never appeared. The nightmare never-ending. It was as if I was in one, continuously long cycle of the same day, happening again and again.
Five days out of the hospital and I was feeling much better than when I was discharged. I could move around on my own and get through the day with fewer pain pills in my system. Yet and still, everything still hurt, especially my heart.
It’ll work. I settled on the oversized hoodie, joggers, and UGGs that nearly swallowed me whole. I was melting away. The healthy, happy weight I’d gained over the last six months was falling off me rapidly.
Anything else in my closet was impossible to wiggle on in my condition. I’d be in too much pain and too exhausted to make it out of the door. Staying home another day wasn’t in my plans. Sunshine and Makai were the two reasons my mission was set in motion and the reasons I’d see it through.
I walked into the cubby to find the most faithful set of wheels waiting. When I climbed inside of my car, nostalgia slapped me across the face. The blow was forceful, taking my breath away and requiring a few seconds to recuperate and get myself together. Flashbacks of the very first time Makai’s voice crossed my line.
“…Who dis?”
“Who is this, you ask?” I rephrased.
“Same difference, Mommas. You called my line. I didn’t call yours.”
“Glacier.”
“Glacier?”
“Yes, I am hav—” I continued, but was interrupted.
“Your people named you Glacier? Like the shit that shifts due to its own weight and end up in large bodies of water? The perennial accumulation of crystalline ice, snow, rock, sedimen—”
“Please. I’m aware of Google’s definition of glacier. However, I’m having car trouble and really need help. My tire is destroyed and—”
“Rim or regular tire?”
“Regular tire.”
“Glacier, since you’re so damn good at Google, you would’ve read that we ain’t that type of tire shop.”
“I—”
Click.
Chuckling, I found the silver lining. Makai had been unpredictable since day one. Why I’d expected anything else from him was beyond me. Expecting me to accept his decision without considering mine was beyond me, too, which was why I punched in the address for the men’s correctional facility as I waited for the cubby to reach the ground and release my car.
Led by nothing more than an inkling that Makai was mistaken and didn’t mean the things he’d said, I set out on the forty-eight-minute drive. Google had been useful in my quest to stop the foreclosure of our relationship. I discovered his current status, charges that were pending, and the facility he was housed in as he awaited his second court date. The first one had been the morning after his arrest.
Seeing his face on my screen, so cold and so disconnected, shattered me to pieces. It had taken the entire night to pick myself up. Makai was facing serious charges, ones that would revoke his freedom for years. I couldn’t fathom life on the outside, knowing that he was locked away in a cage like an animal.
I drowned my thoughts with music that soothed my aching heart. Cleo Sol preached about inner peace, loving yourself, dwelling in spaces that appreciate your presence, and living a full life in no hurry. As she read me for filth, I unpacked the pain of my situation.
Makai and I were more alike than I’d ever understood. The fear of losing someone you love and reopening the wounds that death had given you was real. It was paralyzing. It was devouring. The same fear that led Makai to make the decisions he made was the same fear that led me through the parking lot of the correctional facility forty-five minutes later.
Losing Makai had ripped the band-aids from my flesh. I needed to feel healed, again, to feel whole again. To feel him, again. Even if only briefly, I needed to remind him that we were above any forces that tried to tear us apart.
On shaky legs, I exited the car, unsure of what to expect beyond my point of comfort. Every few seconds, I was being buzzed through another gate until finally, I reached a large space with others anxiously awaiting a chance to see their loved ones as well.
“May I help you?” a guard asked with little enthusiasm and exhaustion intertwined.
“Yes. I’m here to visit Ma—”
“Right this way. Take all that off and step through here.” She pointed, not being very specific.
