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She didn’t. And now I felt panic myself as I sat up fully and had her turn to face me, my hands bracing her shoulders.
“Count with me.”
Counting five in, holding then counting five out, we breathed together. I had seen someone do something like this on a television show and thought maybe this might help. And remarkably it did. Something about breathing along with someone else, watching their chest rise and fall helps you regulate your breathing and slow your heart rate.
“I’m going to get you some water, I will be right back.”
As fast as I could, I headed downstairs and got her a glass of water. Standing beside her side of the bed, I handed her the glass. Sitting down next to her as she took little sips, I watched her still holding her chest as if it hurt.
“Now, do you mind telling me what’s wrong?”
We sat there in silence, the only real noise was Daisy whimpering as she appeared in the bedroom. She climbed up in bed with us, resting her head on Kim’s lap before she buried her head in her lap.
“I, eh – you,” she couldn’t get her words out, still shaky. I was waiting for her to say she didn’t want to see me anymore.
“It’s just, Luke was the last man who slept in here and I feel like a terrible person for not mourning him more...”
Taking her hand in mine, I tried my best to reassure her. I only knew of death because of Jane. But losing a partner, I’m sure, was very different. I missed Jane less now as time had passed but I always thought about her. Kim had lost Luke just over a year ago. Moving on with your life, perhaps creating something new with someone had its benefits but also, guilt would show its ugly head.
“After Jane died, I was terrified to come back here. I didn’t want to see anything that reminded me of her. I just stayed away, thinking that the grief would go away if I wasn’t in a place that reminded me of her.”
She looked at me with tear-stained eyes and redness in her cheeks.
“Coming back here, that first day, I almost turned my car around and left. But then, I saw you. And it reminded me that many things may change, but some things are constant. You have always been a constant,” I paused for a breath. Checking to see if she still listened, I was trying my best to reassure her.
“Now, I don’t know Luke or who you were when you were married. But this woman I know right now is stronger than ever before, confident, kind, funny and sexy to boot.”
She laughed a little under her breath as she squeezed my hand. I wished she could see herself, the way I saw her. She took my breath away and no matter how much I continued to fight my head and my heart, they knew what I wanted, and I wanted her.
“From what I can see, you have mourned him, and you still do. You lost a piece of yourself when he died, and I think you are still trying to find it. But, you need to live without it. You have to accept that this is the new you. The person you were before and during Luke, is not here. Instead, there is someone who has faced pain, hurt and loss and came out the other side.”
Cupping one of my cheeks, she smiled softly, through the tears that broke through and looked at me with ease in her eyes, possibly understanding.
“Since when did you become so wise?”
“Oh, I’ve always been wise, I just never wanted to show anyone my greatness.”
“Greatness, huh?”
“I owe a lot of it to you, Kim. You have always believed in me, even after what I did. I would follow your story throughout the news, the articles, and watch your videos of you skating. When I heard about Luke, I desperately wanted to reach out…but thought it wouldn’t have been the smartest thing to do.”
She lowered her eyes from me, and her hand dropped. I wanted to hug her tightly then, to take away every pain, every hurt, all of it away from her and protect her from ever feeling those feelings again.
“I don’t know what it’s like to lose a husband, or a partner, but I know what it feels like to have your heart broken. And I hope, one day, I can help repair yours.”
She choked back a cry and Daisy moved her head in her hand, trying to comfort her as well. They had a great bond, and I was grateful to the furball who helped soothe her.
“Shall we try and get some rest? Or would you like to go out somewhere? We can do whatever you feel like doing.” I asked, concerned a little. She looked tired.
“Can you just hold me for a bit? And then we can go to my parents for dinner. I have to see Joe about some wedding things.”
She still wanted me to meet her parents. I thought I would be more worried as I assumed they knew everything, but I wasn’t worried. I would do anything that made her happy. Even if that did mean sitting there with her mom and dad as they judged me and possibly threatened me with guns.
“Sounds good to me.”
As she moved herself up towards the top of the bed, I joined her as did Daisy, snuggling up against our feet. Opening my arm out, Kim cuddled into me and as she fell asleep. I stayed awake, playing with her hair for a while. Watching her for a little while longer, I made sure she was resting before I began answering any messages or emails I had ignored.
* * *
